BPDFamily.com

i am still fairly new to this site and figuring out how to implement the many lessons learned here so please bear with me:

after a pretty wonderful day together, my possibly borderline boyfriend went home, had a few benign email exchanges with me, then dropped out of touch (we don't live together but usually communicate several times a day). after two days of silence, i emailed him: are you sulking?

he answered: a little bit.

i responded: why?

no answer.

then, an hour later, i wrote: did i say something that made you mad?

still no answer.

what should i do now? wait and see? how should i react when he finally wants to talk again? as if nothing happened? or should i email him now that i am sorry he is feeling upset?

thanks.

I would give him some space. Trying to engage him when he is unwilling talk ( for whatever reason) puts you in the position of being an audience that feeds energy into his upset. And he will continue using it.

To the right on this page you will see the lessons of the staying board. One of the main things we learn is validation, and how not to invalidate.

You asked him, what he may have viewed, as an unkind leading question : are you sulking?

So he basically responded then went silent. He doesn't want to talk possibly because he feels invalidated.

So while he is not talking, this is an excellent time for you to review the lessons. Learning the lessons will help you communicate better and as a result your relationship will often calm and stabilize.

Sorry this is happening to you 

I have been the recipient of the silent treatment many times and it took me a long time to get calmer in the face of it. As I have learned, and applied the lessons, my relationship has improved considerably.

It does get better. 

thank you so much, elemental.

how could i have acknowledged his silence without being invalidating?

also: should i wait for him to contact me now, or try again after a while? and more importantly: should i bring it up when he does eventually come out of his silence, or act as if it didn't happen?

i don't mind giving him space, i just need guidelines for when communication resumes :)

I would wait a day or so and simply ask how he is.

Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?

Then wait.

If he doesn't answer right away, go about your daily life. Occupy yourself, take care of yourself... do something fun or just things you may have put off.

That works with my boyfriend. Sometimes I have to step away myself and occupy myself for a week.

When communication resumes, he actually doesn't want to talk about what happened. He wants to move on and re-establish normalcy. I am the one who wants to talk, but that never goes well.

With BPD, I am finding that you really have to decide what is more important and often you have to set aside chitchat over incidents.

Maybe some more people will chime in with some good ideas. Reading the lessons, most of them are set up as threads and there a lot of helpful discussions there.

thanks again. i really appreciate your help.