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It's late. I'm tired. 1st job, class, meet with sponser, gym, class, and 2nd job, I was the late bar got out last. Slow night. I wanted to share the uncomfortableness I experienced today meeting with my AA sponser. He's a great friend, stood by me forever. I started complain about being able to see my son, and how my ex has BPD, and how this is the last thing connecting us. He continued to ask me what my part was? I kept going back 40+ times. What was your part? I thought things would change the 5th time she called police. What was your part? I needed herto be Arn. What was your part? It started to piss me off, uncomfortable. But true friends don't pull punches and make you accountable for ur actions. He then told me (NOT MY ATTY) to cease fighting for my child. I paid $, it's his job now. In that uncomfortable feeling, I learned that I have a part, maybe more than I lead on, but I NEED to quit fighting her, her family, and me, IF I want to get what I want... . freedom from her. Make sense?

Big time Arn my good man, it is about the faith that we are not in charge. Some things are manageable, some things are not worth the energy. Be impeccable in your dealings. Be kind in your actions. Be mindful of your words. All things end up the way they are going to, with or with out our involvement.

It's all about the self will thing and the surrendering aspect of that belief. There comes a time when you just can't force the river. Fighting the the current is so much harder than floating to distant unforeseen shores.

As I often say, there is no defeat in retreat.

Seriously? I printed that hit. That one is going on my mirror. You are so right. I wish I could write as eloquently as some of you on here. Damn, SD. I would ask him about the abuse, he shook his head. I would ask him about the alienation of my son, shook his head. I would tell him about bogus RO, he shook his head. I REALLY WAS GETTING PISSED! How can any of this be MY fault. But it was. 99 percent of my life's problems stem from me and who I am. He touched a nerve, left to my own will, my own thought processes, my own power, I landed a lifetime seat in AA, and a BPDex fiancee that wants to destroy me. So, surrendering or retreating my ego, my self-knowledge, the thought process that I can do anything I put my mind to, giving up on all that past belief system from childhood until now, that is my cornerstone to true freedom? I think I just found out how much I sucked at life... .

Yes, it makes sense arn.  Fighting with her is still engaging with her, a negative connection is still a connection.  Like you said, you paid your lawyer to fight, so you can let it go, turn it over, what happens is supposed to.  Big day for you man!

This should be taught first to young people. I read some stuff about personality being fully formed around age seven. Vague references to self are what I remember. Nothing real definitive. Things like " mind your own business", which is a great idea, but at least tell me why. If us a big word. If I had known more about my self I may have been able to avoid feeling every ounce of hurt I've experienced in my life all on the same day. Oh well.

I agree Arn. You can control you, not those around you and their actions. Nudge your L if you think he/she needs it when they're not doing something that you'd like.

Focus on you, focus on what matters out of all of this. Your son.

I like how your friend thinks  |iiii

Yes Arn... I gave up everything to my lawyer. I wasn't going to fight my exhusband, I just needed my freedom from his abuse.

I was lucky that my lawyer is well versed in people with personality disorders, and knew how to handle my ex husband.

She even refused to share his emails to her with me, she said it was not anything I needed to see. She did not want me to be hurt by any of the ridiculous accusations he was hurling at me.

I'm lucky that I had a lot of people looking out for me.

When the insults are being hurled at your by a disordered "victim" you just have to duck and let the professionals handle it.

Hugs,

L