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Hello L6! I have known for a long time I'm a pretty emotional man! My feelings run deep and this carries over into my analytical mind! I can cry at the beauty of a sunset and feel the pain of others around me! I have always felt it a blessing and a curse! I'm not saying I have no control, just that I am sensitive! I truly appreciate the beauties of humanity. On the flip side I feel the pains strongly also! This may be attributed to my magical thinking! I believe in the happy ever after, yet my reality always seems to fall short! None more obvious than after my failed r/s with my uBPDxgf! I believe in the law of attraction and quantum physics etc... We create out own reality! In my lifetime I have gone to school  studied anthropology, psych, sociology and read more self help books over my life than I care to remember! It is so scary to think I create my own reality, especially  knowing this  and where I find every aspect of my life in shambles! (Well, self, career goals and romantic r/s!)

I understand with my ex I thought I found my destiny, which finding a woman to love has been my true goal in life! I believed love conquers all etc...  I am 33 and at 19 had my heart broken and did not have  another real intimate r/s until 28. There were woman who liked me but I realize I was too afraid to really let anyone in. From 28 to 33 I have now been devastatingly heart broken by two more woman that convinced me it was for life! Poor me! :/ pity pot! I thought I had already worked through my foo issues so to have this recent break happen is mind, heart and spirit numbing! I guess I'm getting the exp. I didn't get in my 20s but ironically my patience for waiting for the right one has backfired! I know I have co-dependency issues! I'm trying to start myself all over, a complete reset! Coming out of the fog has opened my eyes, but it is so confusing how responsible I was and what was projection! The parts I like about myself, caring, loving, thoughtful, empathetic, seem to play such apart in my issues!

I just started at L6 I'm ready to rebuild! The problem is I don't really no how. What to keep and what to throw out about myself. A t is out of the question as of now for financial reasons.

I know growing is a never endless process in life! I just want to find the person to grow with! I guess I'm not where I need to be yet to find her, but I have already put in so much work on myself there is really not too much left to rebuild! Who will I be after all this? I don't think I will even recognize myself! My whole self identity is in question once again! Scary!

Hi Rebuilding me,

Welcome to L6!  Your username says it all – we're rebuilding from the wreckage, and we come out stronger and happier.

Just a question to get you started thinking about what may have brought you here: what feelings, behaviors, or events in your relationship with pwBPD reminded you of your childhood or family?

It is very courageous to look deeply at yourself, Rebuilding.  We're here for you. 

Hi Rebuildingme,



I like your optimistic attitude!


Welcome to L6.

Thank you to all the wonderful people on this site who share their stories and wisdom! 

My parents divorced when I was two, which is a blessing in a way! But I remember around that age a physically intense argument between them that I believe created the mediator/ rescuer in me!

My mother was  what I like to call stoic and  it felt more like an employee/employer r/s!  I believed I was taught to feel bad about feeling certain ways! This obviously from her on foo situations.  "Get over it!" Man I've heard that one a lot lately! I learned to stuff and as a child I would explode in anger over little things. Which no one seeing it would understand it was the straw that broke the camels back! My mother is fiercely independent and has owned her own business for 40 years! Work seemed to always come first! She was an alcoholic and raging was not uncommon. In my 20s me and my mother grew as I confronted her from my own understandings! I believe by realizing these things I lived as a victim! Poor me!

My father was super loving and over protective! I was the apple of his eye! ( I Believe he strengthened my victim mindset, by fighting my battles etc... It was all in love, but I believe it helped  create my learned helplessness! He has been so understanding as I have vented these last months, I need to let him off the hook of all my blabbering!

So in ways traditional gender roles were reversed my mother was the nose to the grindstone, get up get over it and my father super nurturing! Thus I believe the creation of my hypersensitivity!

In my last two r/s I noticed both women were fiercely independent, strong, seemingly well put together. ( like my mother) Where I lacked much exp. in life from my father the safety net.

With my uBPDxgf I was captured by her waif attributes, and her strong (high functioning ) persona. Such contradictions? But in my pride I felt I saw through her strength, which I did, and I was the one to help her grow! She played me perfectly. I thought  I was clever seeing her weaknesses, but she was throwing out the bait! Using them for the hook! We fell madly, passionately in love! I was her white knight! Idealization, clinging, push/pull devaluation and discard all followed!

Finally coming out of the fog in the last month I can see all of her subtle manipulations and all of those red flags I ignored! I saw them, I just ignored them!  she was good too, no outward raging just internalizing, thus making me helpless, but driven to save the poor hurt little girl I saw behind the walls! In the beginning it was our r/s, "I had opened her up to her true self, who she was always meant to be!" She was convincing, she believed it I'm sure, so how could I not! When we moved in with each other, I had already begun in the devaluation stage! She was depressed, subtly vindictive, cruel and emasculating! It was so passive aggressive! I was slowly chipped away at, and trained by a professional! I realize I learned this walking on eggshells from my mother, and it was wiser not to rock the boat, thus total breakdown of any meaningful conversation, thus becoming roommates!

I believe because I have done work on myself  in the past I could  feel something was wrong and I just got tired of playing the game I  didn't understand the rules to, but I believed we would work them out when the stresses in her life subdued!    than it was just over!

No fight, very little discussion, and me discarded with silence on the other end! I felt so violated on such a core/soul level! I can see what it was, who she is, who I am, the whole dance! The worst part is I thought I was smarter and more in touch with myself than that to allow this to happen! She was like a surgeon with such precision with her scalpel cutting into my heart, mind, and soul, I barely felt the blade, or didn't even know I was operated on until months after the surgery!

Well back to the foo drawing board!