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This morning my husband asked me to go get him his juice because he was out before I went to work. I was ok with that because I needed something for my lunch. Anyways, I got him some stuff called Kefir, that is suppose to be good to help with digestion (he always complains of his stomach hurting, and he has digestion problems). I have been trying to get him to eat yogurt and he won't touch the stuff I think mainly because I have asked him to eat it. Well, he trys out the Kefir and didn't like it because it tasted like yogurt.  I've never had the stuff so I didn't really know what it tasted like. I even tasted it after he tasted it. Everything was ok at this point.

My husband after awhile says to me, you deceived me. You told me this was like my Juice and it's not. You betrayed me, you deceived me. I said in order to deceive someone you have to be doing it on purpose. He says exactly you deceived me and tricked me to drink that stuff. All I said is that I thought he might like it better than yogurt because it was more shake like. It says on the bottle Milk culture shake. Anyways, this is nit picking I just am so sick of being called something I am not. For him to say I betrayed him because I bought something for him that he didn't like just blows my mind. I also got his juice, all he had to do is not drink it again.  It turned into him yelling at me and I ended up just going to work in tears. How am I suppose to have a relationship with someone who thinks I am out to get them?

My husband yesterday told me that he believes that I hate him and I have a Vendetta against him to hurt him. This is a very common theme, he thinks I am always trying to hurt him in some way. That I hate him and the only reason I am there is to cause him pain. So he causes me pain first by attacking me in some way. I asked him if he hated himself and if that was why he thought I hated him. He said that he feels everyone hates him because that's how he has been treated his entire life. I Validated and calmed things down enough. I just don't want to be treated like a criminal any more.

As 2010 often wrote, BPD is a persistant belief one is or will be persecuted by intimate partners and others who are very close.  Your story is such a clear manifestation of how that plays out.

But of course, many people who have disordered thought are not aware that they do, or if they suspect, they certainly are not aware of WHY they do ("do you hate yourself and therefore think I hate you?".

It makes sense that it is very hard to tolerate this atmosphere, and yet, he believes what he believes & his feelings are his own.  Is it worth it, accepting things as they are?

my uBPDbf thought i was trying to poison him several times... .

I get this too. My husband has terrible stomach problems, like I said. And he doesn't really eat that healthy, he likes junk food just like anyone else. Anyways, any time he gets a stomach ache right after he eats. He starts saying that he believes I have been poisoning him. I told him if he really believes that then he can cook his own food. Also if he's in a mood and knows he's not being the nicest of people, he will ask me if I did something to his food or drink when I hand it to him. He says that since he worked in the food service business for so long he knows what people do when they are upset to customers food.

I am trying to accept these things. It's just very hard to live with and he's actually been noticing that his thoughts are dysfunctional. He said isn't that a good thing? That I know they aren't right. I told him it definitely was good that he's noticing.

Hi Cloudy Days,

it is usually not good idea to surprise a pwBPD. PwBPD are highly sensitive and giving surprising food to eat is somehow crossing a boundary. You may feel that you dealt with him squarely but for whatever reason e.g. not listening carefully your H felt different. It is not surprising that your husband was irritated and upset... .


So when your evil plot   was exposed he did complain. He was not choosy with his words. But then, what happened looks very much like JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. A more effective strategy would have been accepting that you surprised him, he got dysregulated and was leashing out. You can focus on helping to regulate his emotions and may want to apologize for not perfectly informing him. That would have done a lot to end the drama right there and may have led to a constructive exchange of expectations with respect to food and surprises preventing further upset.


Continuous digesting problems can be a significant drain on everything and should be investigated by a doctor. Digestive problems interfere with absorption of trace elements and can affect the mood and is associated with depression. Fermenting digestion in the wrong area of the gut can cause poisoning like symptoms (upset stomach, reflux, nausea, headache). There is a fair amount of undiagnosed sub-clinical carbohydrate malabsorption in the population which due to the high fructose & lactose content can be causing significant problems in individuals. As digestion is a process that extends a long time period it is very hard to figure it all out without professional help. Tests for lactose and fructose digestion problems are simple but they take time so doctors may be reluctant to do them.

Thanks, I will try to keep that stuff in mind. Not surprising him and all. It wasn't really a surprise as I told him I wanted to get him some. He acted like it was ok... . As for going to the doctor, he's been to the doctor a lot. I asked the doctor specifically if he should try eating the yogurt or kefir and the doctor said yes, that would help him. He's been taking antibiotic pills that kill all his bacteria in his stomach, the good and bad. Because he's been diagnosed with a lazy stomach and that's the only pill he can tolerate that treats it.

I honestly think that he sees me as someone trying to control him, or a type of authority figure since I help him with a lot of stuff. So he refuses to listen to what I ask him to do, because then that would be following rules and he doesn't do that. I've seen it over and over again. The moment I ask him to do something it's a sure fire way to make sure he doesn't do it, because he won't.