BPDFamily.com

I've been trying to do some research on my own but haven't contacted an attorney as of today. I have absolutely no money to hire anyone but since BPDh is still living in the house, I don't qualify as low-income.

I'm currently pregnant with our second child, so it seems like getting a divorce finalized won't even happen until after the baby's born, especially since my husband plans on having his paternity tested (there's no doubt he's the father, but you know... ). Ideally, we could get a legal separation for now that would outline the custody agreement of our daughter, spousal support (if any), etc. However, I can't seem to figure out how I can do this. A dissolution seems easy enough (in theory) but I can't file one because I'm pregnant.

We don't have any property together. I do worry about my ability to keep a car. They're both in his name, including the loans for both and the insurance.

I just want to get him out of the house and some sort of custody agreement that includes child support for our daughter. Then I'd at least qualify for assistance until I can get on my own feet. Right now, I feel trapped.

Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you!

Lauren,

You can get a free consult with an attorney or several of them.  I think it is important that you start hearing about your options as quickly as possible.  It is also imperative that you think about this in two tracks.  Track one is the emotional dumpster that you are having to crawl through.  Grieving, suffering, sadness, abuse, self-reflection and improvement... . all those things are track one.  Track two is the business and legal framework of dissolving this marriage.  It has to be handled emotion free and with complete objectivity. 

Been there done that on the paternity allegations.  Remember that those accusations stem from their own self-esteem issues.  I am an outgoing and gregarious guy and I was constantly accused of having affairs, fathering children outside of my marriage... . she even got herself tested for STD's. 

I don't think the pregnancy should be an excuse for staying in a toxic situation.  You should - secretly - begin meeting with lawyers.  Lawyers understand situations like yours and they know how to use caller id blocks, etc.  The lawyer can also make sure any sort of temporary support order includes access to a vehicle.  While it may seem expensive, in the long run the legal costs are worth it.  Believe me, I didn't want to pay alimony and child support or see my marriage dissolve, but mental illness is a grueling gauntlet to run and staying in the hope that things will improve is going to be absolutely fruitless.  I am a god fearing Christian and stuck it out until my pastor finally told me... . "there is nothing in the bible that says you have to stay with a sick, demented, twisted person and not even Jesus Christ would ask you to subordinate yourself to something that is, at its essence, demonic." 

Call a lawyer ASAP.


Mava

Yes, determine your legal options.  Probably Legal Separation is just as cumbersome as divorce, a major problem is that legal separation would still leave you halfway connected.  My lawyer told me he had only rarely done LS, the example he gave me was one where the couple wanted to go their own separate ways but one was chronically ill and both were willing to keep their medical insurance together.  So for them LS vs divorce was dictated by insurance, of all things.

Another problem with LS is that it will determine custody and then if/when you divorce later custody has to be determined all over again.  Second time around it might not be as favorable as the first time.  In short, very few do Legal Separation, it's usually an impractical half-measure and especially so when there is high conflict.

Distrust and allegations are common with high conflict separations and divorces.  A lot is projection, ex's own behaviors and contemplations put out in the open.  If he's accusing you of infidelity, then he could be unfaithful himself or perhaps just painting you black as the one to be blamed.  Blaming and blame-shifting.

One question to ask the various lawyers (get multiple consultations to be sure you get a full range of options) is whether you can file for divorce now and get a temporary order within a month or two and then after the baby is born switch over to dissolution.  (Dissolution might not work anyway if he's uncooperative.)

Thank you both. I think they should give you a rundown of what divorce entails before you can get a marriage license... . it was far too easy to get married and so complicated to end it.

But I'm going to see about the free consultations. Anything will be a step in the right direction at this point.