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Until I realized we never really had a good one. The first was just after we got together. It was a nice date, but still awkward (for me). The second was a major depression for her since she didn't pass the motorcyle class we signed up for (id been riding over 25 years, and took the class 19 years previous, but I thought it would be a cool thing to do together). The other 3 were unmemorable.

I was dreading this week until I realized I would be with the two real Loves of my Life, my little angel monsters. I think that will be the best VTD ever!

Let your children know they are special on Valentine's Day... . it's about Love and the ability to show Love. My dad always came home on Valentine's with a big box of chocolates for Mom, and smaller boxes of chocolates for my sister and me... . all Love!

That's a great idea! They love their chocalate (so does daddy). We can share a box.

Good stuff... I had been married o my ex for 19 days last VTD and it was terrible. Bought expensive lingerie, a couples massage, flowers, candy and dinner... she didn't even get me a card or anything and we fought all night. The year before that we were not even dating and I happened to have to talk to her and she was working and pissed off at her then BF... Something about special occasions that brings out the witch in them...

Oh yeah. A few Christmases ruined in various ways, one Thanksgiving her sister was visiting and both sisters were mad and crying because her dad was in the garage finishing up organizing while we were all sitting at the table ready to eat (I think her dad is likely BPD, too, but it was an overreaction, IMO). Like yours, mine never, like ever, got me meaningful gifts, even granting I'm a person who is hard to buy gifts for.

GOOD! Special occasion = fireworks!

My ex will be treated like a newly discovered royal by her new shiny knight this VTD. He's rich, and they're still in honeymoon phase (I'm guessing, 8 weeksish). She's got VTD & her birthday within two weeks of each other. Good luck with that fella! Always caused me no end of $hit and wasn't long before I dreaded February's! He'll afford far better than I ever could so her triggering will be off the feckin chart!

I'm gonna stay home & enjoy a bottle of red, take away, and chill with a book I'm itchin to start.

PARADISE! :)

Thanks for the post.  Yeah, I agree.  I was feeling down about VTD even though it's been a couple of years.  The last time I talked to her was the combo, last couples session, her birthday, VTD two years ago this week.

But I was remembering that I can't even really remember the VTD's that we did have.  Not so much because they were unmemorable, but more so because I was just terrified that they would end badly, and like so much of the trauma, I've repressed it.

The emotion/concept of love is difficult enough for people with a modest level of emotional capacity, IMHO for pwBPD, it's a ton of added pressure to try and feel something they don't understand on VTD.  

For my ex, combine that with her Birthday, which was really important to her, because it represented proof of "self", it was always walking on eggshells.  She really had no friends, so finding friends to celebrate was hard, and then trying to find deal with the pressure of love on VTD with her abandonment and engulfment issues was just the perfect storm for conflict.

It's just sad.

So, what's helped the last couple of years is that I've been taking out people who don't usually go out for VTD.  My widowed mom.  A friend with two crazy kids who needs support.  And this year, is still up for grabs... . but I'm trying to view it as an opportunity to bring some joy into someone's life when it could be lonely.

You spending it with your kids, sounds like... . grace.

You have a good take on it. Queens. I make over twice mines salary, yet she called me "cheap" on more than one occasion. Sorry, but me living below my means meant we never had to worry about money! Thanks, Ex, for letting me get you that expensive SUV two weeks before you broke up with me... .

Thank you, tausk, your post triggered me for some reason (in a good way, still a few tears). Something I figured out was lacking in my Ex about two years ago: grace. Would that this is a number one quality I look for in a partner in the future, should I ever get there. Mercy, too.

F*ck me you're a clever sod Turkish!

Yes my ex is definitely 'queen'. Is it common for the queen types to trigger when treated well?

I used to think, on a subconscious level it triggered her because she doesn't believe she's worthy?

That was afterwards. During the gun-slinging that often took over special events (like VTD) I just thought I was dealing with an ungrateful ba$tard!

Turk:  

Your welcome. And thank you for your posts, courage, and character.   I need others to inspire and support me.

It would be very lonely for me to be on the boards doing this by myself :-)

Oh, Moon ie, where do I begin... . I remember we were all in the car a year or so ago,.and S then 3 said he was a prince. I said mommy was a princess (she's petite and waifish on the outside), and she told S3, "No, I'm a QUEEN!" I rolled my eyes to myself. Yes... . they need to be " taken care of" while at the same time denying you are taking care of them (due to narc traits and pride), while at the same time resentung you for not taking care of them. At least this was mine. Seen a few stories from female nons talking about similar behaviors from their boys. So freaking confusing and disorienting. Nothing is ever enough

Last VTD I was going to decorate her room after she left for work.  I don't remember why or what happened but I remember she picked a fight with me when she woke up and I left.  She only got half of the royal treatment that day.  I wonder if they remember the last VTD.  A girlfriend of mine said some women compare their last bf to the new SO whether they express it or keep it to themselves.  

Mine compared me to the Love Of Her Life, who cheated on her and left her heartbroken. She contacted him in Y1 to get advice, but he was one if her narc man boys like she's with now so she didn't get anything really useful. She told me of their conversations. I considered it her first act of cheating. So cruel... . yet I still chose to imprenate her with S4 months later. Why, oh why, did I ever think it could work with a person with a pathological fear of commitment?

Any future partner I compare to my last one has absolutely nothing to worry about! :)

Turkish,

Yeah nothing is ever enough. Only becoming enough when it's too much, & then they're gone!

Well I know her mom will remember me on VTD.  I was the first one ever to send her flowers at work and she was previously married.  The BPDex will probably blame me for the fight that day.

Hang on a minute!

You sayin you sent flowers to her mum at work on VTD? Fair play, brave move ya kinky monkey!

Yeah I guess the ex might blame ya for the fight that day mate!  :)

And the Grandma too Moonie!  Wink

Rock 'n' Roll  *)

Sheesh Moonie, ha

My exW would freak out on all special occasions, it was a nightmare... . But I don't like that why didn't you get me vintage grey blue earings?

Who would know? She never hinted

Book restaurant=I don't know if I like that restaurant ( argument )

Not book restaurant =you never do anything for me etc etc

Birthday presents ( oh lord please guide me )=hate

Never occurred to me to do this back to her.

ExGF

Haaaated VTD with a passion, I liked that, thought it was blokish sensible thinking, no! hated love. Loved couples arguing on VTD.

I can't remember her ever getting me a present!

I don't really feel a great deal about VTD myself, show love generally.