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It has been 6 months since I went NC with my ex-upwBPDbf. I have gone back to school full-time to finish my degree.  My daughter is doing well in school and we have had a pretty quiet home since he has been gone.  No more of the explosive arguments that happened every two weeks followed by him abusing me either verbally or physically.  No more of the controlling behavior and walking on eggshells.  It has been so nice to do things on our own terms without having to pacify the his incessant need for attention. 

I have had my moments lately where I have been feeling very lonely.  It has been hard because I thought I was really past the intense grieving stage.  I guess what is triggering it is Valentine's Day.  The reason is because his birthday is tomorrow Feb. 12 and so we would always do something together to celebrate both.  Since it was for his birthday, it was always a big deal.  Meaning, he would be willing to spend the money and make the effort for a nice time since it was all about him.  Valentine's Day just happened to get thrown in there and I would take what I could get.  Anyway, last year we went to Milwaukee after stopping over in Chicago at the John Hancock building.  He really wanted to go to the 96th floor and have drinks but we got there too late. 

Well I caved and checked his Facebook yesterday.  And I have been bothered ever since.  I don't really understand this so I thought I would put it out here and see if anyone could help me.  He had pictures posted on Facebook of 2 beers on a table and he said it was the 96th floor of the Hancock building.  There were also pics of the skyline.  Then pictures of Milwaukee.  Even of the outside of the art museum which is where we spent Valentine's Day last year.  It was implied that he was with someone but no pics of that person which I found was odd.

So why would he take the same trip? Why wouldn't it hurt him and bother him to be reminded of us going there? I don't understand why he wouldn't go somewhere else.  And why wouldn't he have pics of this person he was with? Is he trying to get to me hoping I will see these pictures? Or is he just trying to do something familiar? I don't get it.

He's disordered! You never will 'get it'.

My guess, he's there alone. If he wanted to get at you or upset you, You can bet your bottom dollar he'd include another in his photo's. I also think going there alone may be some kind of pilgrimage for him. Doubt he could do it with a new partner, would be too triggering is my guess.

But ya know what they say... . Curiosity killed the cat!

Stay away from his facebook if it's going to leave you triggered. Or confused & bothered enough to head to a help forum full of other folks who's heads have gone!

take care of you x

Moonie

Agree with Moonie, he was there by himself. Disordered mind, we can disorder ourselves trying to understand it. Block him is the best option. Remove the temptation from yourself and focus on you and your daughter. She is the real love of your life, no?

Everything you said right there is awesome.  Congratulations on going back to school.  Focus on that.  Focus on your daughter.  Those things will bring you more happiness and fulfillment then he ever could.

As far as what he is doing... . it doesn't matter.  We are all tempted to look, to pry, to find out what/how/who they are doing, but it doesn't matter.  That is one of my mantras now.  Whatever my ex is doing is 100% none of my business.

Another one of my mantras, when I'm feeling angry, is that living well is the best revenge.

When I made the decision to leave, it was after his daughter had another"talk" with me.  Which never goes well.  When he acted cold to me the following day, I decided that I had enough.  After sending him a simple text, "I need a break from this relationship", I immediately blocked access to his facehook page and blocked him on my phone both calls and texts.  Yesterday I blocked any email access. I don't want to know what he is doing.  It's hard because you feel disposable and constantly question if they ever loved you.   

I'm sorry for your pain.  But maybe it's a good thing. 

Six months without checking.  Good for you.  It's very hard, and what you're feeling is so understood by people on the board, it's kinda scary.  I won't even tell you the pathetic actions I did after the break up, and how much it hurt.

I found it was necessary to be kind to myself and forgive myself.  And then to realize that the pain regarding longing is due to the trauma bond. 

I hope that maybe the FB look gave you closure.  I learned that there's never going to be closure or understanding unless I provide it to myself.  The understanding of BPD gave me a mirror to look at myself and move on (for the most part).  Still difficult at times, but it gets so much better.

Thanks for posting and keep on the board.

Hi Supernovastar,

It's so hard to wrap our heads around this stuff.  Good for you that you are taking care of yourself and have gone back to school.  It's understandable to want to look at what your ex is doing, we've all done it. 

Now you know, and trying to understand it will take precious time away from you and your life that you'll never get back.    A pwBPD often doesn't think or act the way we expect them to, or the way we would in the same situation.

If you understood why he does what he does, what would that give you? (This is a serious question, I'm not being snarky.) 

Three steps forward, one back by checking on Facebook. You had a moment and you spiraled. It happens to the best of us. Now:

Forgive yourself... . EVERYDAY

That's what healing is. A slow progression towards becoming whole again.

As for your ex and the pics…do your best to not create a narrative out of an image. Pictures do not tell an entire story. What helps me is to remember the ugly person who I experienced when we were together. The person who physically attacked me to keep me from leaving him. The person who stalked, lied and betrayed me. The person who did a nasty smear campaign on my name. That's the person who still exists and the reason why our relationships are donzo.

I have my days every now and then when I do a search on my ex's name. Most times it's habitual and sometimes there's still a small part of me that wants confirmation that he's doing bad. But most days I don't that validation because I know my ex suffers with consequences from his actions and his illness. What matters most is my happiness and developing habits that empower me and validate my specialness and uniqueness. Something my ex could never do.

I've detached 90-95%. The other Five percent still gets angry at herself for loving an abuser and I'm still working on that self-forgiveness... . And remember that's the goal: detaching. Just because we don't speak to someone doesn't mean that we don't keep them alive in our systems. I did that for about 2 years before I realized that I wasn't detaching.

Facebook lie tells. There are only partial truths to Facebook; not the whole story. Remember that.

Spell

I have checked facebook once in my 5 months of NC.  Never again.  You know if you see a pic of them they will be smiling.  That is a trigger in itself.  I have seen so many posts on here where the pwBPD is passing subtle hints through their facebook.  It really is pointless to try to figure out their motives because their thoughts change for themselves so often.

Well I got an answer to my question tonight... . He is with a new girl. While this may be something many of you are used to going thru, it is new for me. We were together for 8 years and even though we broke up a few times, there was never anyone else and we got back together pretty quick.

This girl is definitely a downgrade and please don't think I mean that in a mean way. I just know that she is not someone he would have respected in the past. She has posted several pictures on her Facebook of them together and put hearts and I love you all over the place. She just did that in December with some other guy. She also lives in another state so it is a long distance relationship. He doesn't have any pictures of her on his Facebook.

To me it looks like she is idealizing the crap out of him and he's eating it up. It makes me sad to see how happy he looks but it also has given me what I need to detach fully. Part of me was waiting for him to come back but I didn't realize that until I saw the new girl. Now even if he does come back in the future,  I have seen how easily he could forget me and that he truly didn't love me. Who jumps into something so soon after a relationship that lasted 8 years? That's messed up. I haven't even went in a date yet. Geez... .