BPDFamily.com

This was briefly touched on another thread but I wanted to start a topic because this applied to my uBPD stbxwife. She would have very poor eye contact. Always back and forth. Up and down.  She did not seem comfortable maintaining it.  I asked her about it a lot. For such a professional woman who seems so confident and competent it always struck me as off. I know she's dealt with self esteem issues and such but with the way she dresses and puts herself together I didn't think it was that. Even when she would talk to our dog she would look to the side, not directly at him or in his eyes for no more than a few seconds. When she joined me for a session of therapy with the second therapist I saw toward the end, that therapist noticed it immediately and said to her the bad eye contact was a giveaway for mental illness.

Anyone else experience this with their BPD significant other?

Mine is ok in that regard, but she has a high/low functioning long time friend who's known me for years. He talks normally to you, but he never maintains eye contact. It's like he's either not maintaining it, or like he's looking either past me or inside... . kind of empty. Nice enough guy, but he's kind of a mess. Pattern of serial, unstable relationships. May or may not be BPD, but he definitely has something other than depression and gender idenitity issues... . someone who trumpets to the world being comfortable in his own skin, when it's obvious that he's not.

I met a woman in the same volunteer program where I met my Ex. She was very nice and competent, but it came out she had some daddy issues. When I first started talking to her, yes, she wouldn't look me in the eye. After months, she finally did when she accepted, I guess, that I was "safe."

For me, I am still kind of shy, even around women, and I may give a brief smile and look away (I've been working on myself to not do that for years and years). But when a conversation starts, I am totally engaged and maintain eye contact. I have no problem "staring people down." 8^)

Mine had different levels of eye contact dependent upon the dissociative state that she was in.

If we were arguing and I was trying to get her to take responsibility or have empathy over something like why she shouldn't cultivate other men... . she would have the distant "reptilian stare."

If she was in rage, over something like the fact that neighbor's high school daughter smiled at us and the dog... . she would be locked in like laser darts.

If she was flirting with another man, like her brother or his friends who used to molest her... . she'd have the rescue me/come hither look with soulful contact.

And if she was nervous about something such meeting new people whom she wanted to impress, her eyes would wander a lot.

Mine split a lot, which is not as bad as being a true multiple, but there were definitely distinct characteristics of the states.

Exactly the experience I had. Couldn't have written this better!

To veer a little off course... . mine, like most, had extreme social anxiety. I pegged her for this the first time I saw her across a room (nervous, doesn't trust people), so I had my first red flag at first glance.

When anxious, it was obvious, like eyes darting around, a nervous laugh, carried herself like a high functioning terrier.

When sure of herself, she has this smirk on her whole face. Being an intellectual and emotional giant compared to her, I could bring her "back" with just a few short words. But the smirk telegraphed she being so sure of herself, when in fact I knew it was an indication that she was not.

That pretty much echos my experience with my exBPDgf.  The last time we looked at each other she had the "death stare", like if she could kill with her mind, she would have.  My mother has this look as well when enraged.