BPDFamily.com

I was curious to know... . After all that you have put up with through the duration of your relationship with your partner, when was enough, enough?  What made you leave?

For me:  I couldn't take the suicide attempts and threats anymore.  I felt too much was just spiraling out of control and nothing I said or did was of any help, every rational attempt to help was just not enough.

I walked away for me and as hard and painful and draining as it was, I know I did what was best.

Last straw... . two thoughts come to mind. First, getting to the last straw is like watching a glacier move, at least it was for me. At some point I did come to understand that this was just not working, and that I had to accept this fact and move on, though no single event got me there. It was a process.

The final act? Xmas this past year. I arrive at x's family's, everyone is cold to me (x a master at throwing me under the bus/Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0)/polarizing - truly a master). Over Xmas dinner, x's sister "baits me" (my x's phrase, not me), and like the chump that I was, I took it, responded to the sister, and it was all over... . Basically 4 against 1 (me being the 1, 4 being my x, her sister, mother and aunt). This is followed by x, when we were later alone, having had too much to drink, in my face, seething at me that I was a 'sick, ass' and then grabbing my arm, shaking me. When it was all over, guess who was vilified? Yup, you guessed, it, me! I was expected to apologize profusely (of course, chump that I was, I did); as far as x concerned, she and her posse did nothing wrong - innocent victims. And, as far as x's behavior when alone with me. She denied it all; I was making false accusations against her b/c I'm such a sick person. Unbelievable. That's when I decided, game over.

x mas morning 3 am I caught her in the SUV with my replacement

x mas morning 730 am, she didn't even show up to watch my son open presents from santa clause bc she slept at my replacement's house.

When I think about her and ruminate on memories of her, I think of my son wondering where mommy was and why Santa didn't eat any of the cookies he left him (bc she forgot to pick them up on the way out the door)

When she decided to test my love by sending her "friend" to threaten me never to talk to her again, while she sat in the car, glaring at me.  To this day I'm not sure what she told him to get him so riled up.  Then two days later, she texted me how she would always be waiting for me.  I realized it was some kind of weird test of my love for her and I decided to fail it with flying colors.

When he said "I know how to take care of this, I'm going to get the ammunition"

He was out of town.  During a call I asked him a question, and he answered "no comment."  I asked what he was doing and he said he was smiling.  Then he revealed that his smile was a sneer.  That was the final straw.  Every cell in my body told me to run as fast as I could. 

He gave me scabies. Took 3 weeks and 2 creams to heal!

Had been cheating so I had to end it.

Mind you, this did not stop me from begging for him to take me back a month later... . such was the power of our toxic bond

bb12

Catching her in a pub holding court with a group of male disciples, while she thought I was at work. (I left early to investigate my suspicion I was being lied to).

She had told me she was having a meal & a girly night in at her friends. Even expressed her upset that I couldn't make the meal due to my work! 

No big scene or show down in the saloon. I just gave her a thumbs up across the crowded bar when our eyes met, so she knew I'd seen her. Been NC ever since.

Dec Friday 13th. Unlucky for some!

For me, it was that he refused couples counseling.  I'd been with him for 4 years, and with the suicide threats, abuse (both verbal and physical), as well as his cheating ways, if he wasn't going to try and work it out with me with a qualified 3rd party to mediate, I knew we were done.

Well, the final year was rough and final 3 months were over-the-top.  The real ending started in October when the projecting in couples T got so bad I ended the T (not like me).  Then, the last month was horrible.  On Thanksgiving, we got into an argument and when I tried to walk away from the emotional abuse she pushed her way through a door and tried to physically dominate me.  Then a week later she hit me with some nasty emotional blackmail on a flight back from NYC, basically ruining the trip for me.  Another week later, when I confronted her about some really bizarre behavior when our families were together the day prior she again tried to physically dominate me and prevent me from leaving a room.  When I told her to leave my house, she was in such a rage she damaged my property on the way out.  So, to answer your question the final straw was when the abuse began to get physical and was only going to get worse.  I could finally clearly see that this was not about love, but rather about control.  Period.  End of story... .

Fight with my family around the holidays.  She blew a gasket and started screaming at them over - get this - oweing her 12 dollars for a gift.  

$12.  

This was after my parents had just dropped $120 on our dinner.

We cut the vacation short and went back to her parents house for the remainder of the holidays.

The final straw came three months later when, after literally 6 months of no physical contact and constant anger, she demanded that my parents apologize to her!  When I said "absolutely not, they don't feel like talking about it", she freaked out on me and I told her that I wanted a divorce.

I'm glad this thread came up.  I need to remember these moments when I start thinking about her in any positive way.

We weren't in the same reality. There was no accountability from her side, her rages were abusive, and she lied too many times. I couldn't see being her scapegoat for the rest of my life. I quit accepting blame as her projections showed how she really felt about herself. She refused to change, so I did. No trust, no relationship.

There was no real single final straw.  It was the series of battering and child abuse (emotional, verbal and physical).  I wanted to show my children that it was not "okay" for this behaviour.

It they were ever treated this way in the future by their mate ... . they would know that having temper rage fits is simply not acceptable.

My teenagers have learned to video tape, audiotape, and write things down.  I taught them well.

He scared the children and began bullying them when he realized his sick control over me was lessening as I was getting healthier in individual therapy.  Mess with me until I am on the verge of a breakdown... . mess with my girls-get your ass out.  (sadly, they are his girls too)

Blissfulcamper... . I have chills.  I am glad you got out!

1.  Caught her cheating (game over) while on vacation in Europe.   Told her I was going to leave

2.  Couldn't leave right away FOG

3.  Began detaching and she began clinging / detaching

4. Trust gone I began watching her every move.  I could she was trying to meet guys.

5. I broke it off and we didn't talk for a week. Dropped something at her house and she ended up spending the night with me sleeping on my chest.

6.  Went to her girlfriends families overnight and we texted but she wouldn't call me.

7. She called the next day and I told her to f@ck off. She came over anyway.

8.  She tried to make me have sex with her. I refused. We went to sleep.

9.  :)id her the next morning and I went back to sleep

10.  She started her new job the next day and I was pissed she didn't call me to tell me about it

11.  I called her and asked her to come over and eat with me and my kids. She said OK but she didn't think we had a future. I said OK bye and she changed her tune. I told her to F@ck Off and I was done.

12. I never initiated a conversation after that or saw her again. She texted me for 2 weeks until she got an email from the London boy she shagged (I sent him our f@ck pictures and told him what a piece of trash she was).

13.  I also told her my P thought she might be BPD and he told me to never contact her again

14.  She called the cops on me.

15.  5 months later still NC

Waifed, do you think that you could say you called her out on a couple of things?  :)

F*ck me I reckon ya pi$$ed her of a bit there mate! 

Ya... . I think it's pretty safe to say I will never hear from her again! 

I think her losing the engagement ring is going to be the beginning of the end for me. I just can't seem to get past it. I probably could have, but her attitude about it sucks. I sure as hell am not going to buy another. In fact I can't bring myself to buy a Valentines Day gift. I'm pretty sure my relationship is toast

Which "Final Straw" are we referring too? LOL:)

I finally knew when I was done recycling in tandem when he went into therapy and then cut it down to once every two weeks... . enough to say "Hey! I'm doing therapy" but not enough to be serious about it. I started thinking... . even if he went 4x a week... . I was over him. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if he got better, worse, stayed faithful, cheated, told the truth, lied... . I DID care that there was no response to my birthday... . again. Basically I fell out of like. I didn't like him anymore. I didn't support him emotionally anymore. I didn't want to touch him anymore. A point was reached on my end that made me happier to be alone, to eat alone, travel alone. I got more involved with friends and activities. His neglect enabled me to create a full life where i didn't NEED him and then realized I didn't WANT him. So I'm grateful for the neglect in a way, and now I'm more than ready to seek out nice people who are involved in living life.

When i came out of hospital following surgery to remove a growth in my nose, i was told not to bend down to tie shoelaces, put on socks for at least 5 days due to the risk of bleeding and bursting stitches, my now ex BPD drove me home from hospital and vanished into the night, i called her and she said she couldnt help me as she was getting ready to go to a party.  End Of.

1) Went back after a 45 day NC last summer

2) Promises that he would not be controlling, promises that I didn't have to have a relationship with his 25 year old daughter, who acts like his wife and is severe BPD. That I would be off limits to her verbal attacks.

3) That he was building a home for he and I to begin a future (leaving behind the daughter's childhood home)

4) That I would be first in his life (well we all know BPD's are only capable of being first)

5) He would only take one of his daughters three ferel cats (that she brought home while a teenager and of course he couldn't tell her no) with him to the new place.

6) Moved in with me the last month prior to the new home being finished.

7) Of course we had one of the cats, and the next day I was on my way to two listing appointments.  When he called and ask me If I had opened the door I admitted (like all normal people) yes to get fire wood.  He screamed at me if that cat is gone we are done. (This is an outdoor cat) After returning home, still no cat, the cat was later found hiding in my closet.  His normal apology, I... . am... . sorry, in a low mocking tone. When I became upset over his lack of remorse, we had words and he threatened to fire me from being his real estate agent and call the state board and my broker.  I ask him what would he say, and he said he would make up things that I would have to defend.

8) He made not one but two monetary bets with my son over a football game and refused to pay him.

9) Days later, knowing my son has issues with the lack of a normal relationship with his father, he stood over my son and told my son what a piece of hit his father was and if he were to see him on the street he would beat his ass.  My son handled it well and told him to please sit down that his father was still his father. Of course after he calmed down.  I then told him not to talk about my son's father to him like that.

10) He brought up my ex again and reminded me what a loser I was in many nasty words to have stayed with a man who cheated on me.

11) When his daughter ask if she could paint her "New room" in the new house, he said yes, I then asked why she had to paint her room, when it was new paint. Mind you she has her own home.  She then called me a "Fat Bhit", and told me I was temporary and she was permanent.  When I looked at him for support.  He said, "Why do you have to start with her.?

12) Days later, she wanted to have a talk with me.  It was all about the room paint incident, what have you done for me? I am 50% of my dad and you have to have a relationship with me... . me... . me... me... It was horrible AGAIN.  Although she admits during her suicide attempts, etc... . issues that I was always there for her, she constantly wants to use me as a whipping post.

13) This was after I had spent 4 days unpacking his things in his house.  Of course the daughter was never around.  After that night, the next day he gave me the cold shoulder... . the following day I told him I would be going back to my house, he said good.  I left the next morning and the following day he text me to do something for him, I sent him a text stating "I needed a break from the relationship" taking advice from this board that you shouldn't make it a big deal.  That was 30 days ago, since then NC, blocked him on facebook, phone, email. 

14) I dropped a box off at his office, leaving his items including his house key and garage door opener and a self addressed stamp envelope asking him to return my house key.  He mailed the envelope back without the key. 

You did the right thing.  Unfortunately the best thing to do when getting involved with a BPD or NPD is to cut ties and run.  It is hard for those of us that are codependent.  Many of us have traits that instill us with anger and a desire to get even.  "How could anyone do this to me?"  It will pass and we will all recover from this chaos.  

It was two thanksgivings ago when she erupted on me in the car with my son in the backseat.  I begged her to calm down and stop saying these horrible things about me in front of my son... . and she wouldn't.  After we got home, I took my son and dropped him off with my parents, came back home and told her she was to never speak to me like that in front of my child ever again.  She looked me dead in the eyes and said "I'll say whatever I want in front of him.  He needs to know what a selfish ___hole his dad is and I'll tell him any chance I get... . and there is nothing you can do to stop me."  There was so much evil in her eyes when she said that... . our final divorce hearing is next Friday; guess there was something I could do about it  :)  Too bad it's taken me this long to finally pull the trigger!

It was after he held me hostage in my own home for over 13 hours, screaming, ranting and raving at me. Insane accusations, being called the most horrible names you've ever heard.

Terrifying my boys, who were trying to protect me from him.

Telling my oldest (who is 19) that if he tried to hit him, he would call the police on him. My son hasn't hit anyone in his life.

I was done. I could tell he was insane. In those moments I questioned my own sanity in marrying a man like him. We were divorced just a few months later.

I wish I had known before I married him about borderline personality disorder. He has eight of the nine characteristics.

There is a happy ending here. He is gone! :)

Hugs,

L

Nothing he was saying made any sense at all. He was on a full blown smear campaign against me because he was mad that I was trying to take care of myself instead of just him. When he became obsessed with murder/suicide I fled for my life, left everything behind and went into hiding for a year. I divorced him and I have maintained N/C; very grateful for every day that he is out of my life and I am alive.   

Thanks NYGirl8!  Me too!  The only thing missing from that experience was horror movie background music.  Many hair-raising stories to tell, but that was the one that sent me runnin'.  Free at last!

Final straw?

Found myself feeling very suicidal on a bridge crossing the Thames, London. 

She 'comforted' ish me, then wanted to put me on a train alone to head back to my home.  It was about 11.30pm, raining, I was distraught, had an hour trip home, and she just wanted to put me on the train and forget about me.

She probably had a fruit salad which was going to run past its sell by date in the fridge -so she wanted to get back to that before midnight. 

God, what a horrid relationship.  When I think of everything I did for her... .   nuts

After a sleepless nite, followed by a whole day of her being curled up in a fetal position and not talking, I asked her for. The last time if she was going to trust me a little bit and start doing some things I wanted to do. She looked at the floor for a long time and finally squeaked out that she would not trust anyone. That was it, I packed up and left that evening. She suddenly acted indifferent, got up and took a shower, and waited for me to go. She got scared and came back while I was packing and hovered me telling me she loved me, asking me to stay the night... . I kept packing, but my heart was broken. I knew it was over and I hated it. As I got ready to leave she was indifferent again. I told her good bye, but she wouldn't look at me, just stared at the floor and said " I hope you know what you've done" very coldy. Shed told me before she would "crush me emotionally if I left her". I left, drove 40 miles back to my home.

At the time I knew nothing about PD's. I hoped she would realize I was not going to continue with her on the path she was on. So I made my choice based on how I was feeling about our relationship without knowing much of the why's things had failed.  I hoped she would think about what I said but she didn't. I I texted her a week later and asked if she would change. The response came 8 hours later... . "we have nothing in common. Never contact me again."

That was it. Neither of us has attempted further contact. It's easy though because we live 40 miles apart.

After one minute telling me I was the love of his life and could not imagine life without me then proceeded to (all this in same incident):

1. Start telling me about a women at work who is having an affair with a married man was flirting with him and trying to get him to come to her house to do work.(baiting me into a fight)

2. Then started to show me another picture of a women at work on his phone ( who had called him a few times while I was there wanting him to do work at her house) ended up he was actually cheating on me with her and was shoving her picture in my face and when's something seemed wrong and I didn't want to see it he raged at me that I was insecure. (Again baiting me)

3. Took me home raging telling me it would be fun to f@ck other women and because I was jealous this is why men cheat. ( projection)

4. Proceeded to give me the silent treatment for a few days when we were set to go away for my birthday. (He made 1 out of the 4 birthdays we were together. And managed to cancel every trip)

5. So he said we were done and I had to move my stuff that was at his place out on MY BIRTHDAY. I had just made a huge fuss over his a few weeks before. And the stuff I moved out was basically all my equipment he had me move in just a couple weeks before because we were going to start a business together. His idea mainly. sick!

6. Went through his calendar/journal while I was moving stuff out because he wasn't there and found out all kinds of tidbits about a person he left me for last time. Things he outright lied about or I would have never come back.

Later when I found out he had been cheating he Called the police on me for texting even though there were a few times I could have called for assault/rage/breaking things but never did. ( I know should have and should not have put up with it.

I truly think his plan was to go screw off for a week or 2 and come back like the past but that wasn't gonna happen this time. No way. LAST STRAW!

for no reason she locked herself in her room for like 5 hours while her 3 year old and i watched a football game. there were plenty things before that, but after that i was pretty convinced she was completely nuts ( at the time i had no clue what BPD was)

My final straw was when my exgwBPD tried to to kick me out of her car at night 250 miles for my apartment in a city I had never been before. I had nothing to my name except for a dog who just had major abdominal surgery (she still had 40 staples in her stomach). My ex was kind enough to hang on to my keys, wallet, and money for the night. She had the nerve to get pissed off at me a few hours later when she gave me some flowers and I didn't say thank you. She accused me of treating the flowers like I treated her, like she didn't matter. I made my escape the next morning after her dose of Ambien,beer, and whiskey.

After being violent to my teenage son, my exBPDh moved out.  That was the beginning of the end for me.  I refused to let him move back in despite him begging me to let him for a few months.  We did continue a relationship though.  The final straw was when he texted me to say he wanted to end our relationship.  I immediately filed for divorce, despite knowing deep down that if I just kept quiet for a few days he would change his mind and want to try again.  So although he technically ended things, I feel that the reality is that I did.  I guess being 'left' by him yet again, just tipped me over the edge and I didn't want him back at that time.

I haven't read up on this post for a while.  It is good to see others people's "final straw"... . It just reminds me that I wasn't crazy but on my way to going crazy if I didn't have that "final straw".