BPDFamily.com

I sought out help on what was going on with my husband because after years of trying to "change" for him, I'm still never good enough for him; I can never live up to the idealization he has of me in his head. I've been seeing a therapist. I found these boards- which are very helpful, especially the lessons, but still, I find myself sitting here this morning feeling like I'm the crazy one.

My T is opposed to divorce but she says unless he starts treatment on his own, I should be divorced, because the abuse is only escalating and I don't know how far he'll go- his behaviors are unpredictable these days. Yet when I suggest him going to therapy, there's no point in his eyes because I'm the one that needs to change. He told me, "A therapist isn't in the business of telling you you're wrong, so you'll never think you need to." Is this true?

My T isn't the only one who thinks my husband's behaviors are unacceptable, my friends and family that know what goes on urge me to leave all the time, for my safety and sanity. Everyone says I don't deserve to be treated like garbage, I believe I don't deserve that, but what if my husband's right? What if I'm the one to blame for how he treats me? I know in the beginning of our relationship and marriage, I wasn't completely healthy myself.

I don't know... . I feel pretty crappy right now. Last night he was in a "good mood" and I wanted so bad to be in a good mood too. With Valentines Day coming up, I just want to be happy with my husband, but I don't know how I can just forget all the bad things and pretend to be happy for a little bit until the next "bad mood" comes around.

Here's the way I see it:  Did he have issues with other people (partners, family, work associates, friends) before he met you?  I'm guessing he did.  And do you have the same issues with your friends, your previous partners, your coworkers?  I'm guessing no.  You aren't causing this.  Sure, there are things you can do differently to reduce the amount you "trigger" him, but those are only coping strategies and don't really fix anything. 

I've been through that stage where I felt I was partly responsible for the abuse because of my actions.  But logically, I know this is not the case.  And logically, I know healthy relationships aren't supposed to be this way.  Yet, I can't escape the feeling sometimes that I am inadequate or that my relationship skills are bad.  My therapist told me, "you seem to be articulate and communicate with me just fine.  I can't teach you how to communicate with someone who screams at you."  And that's true.  If someone is abusing you or mistreating you, you can't expect your behavior to be perfect in response, and that means you will always second guess yourself.

You're correct. He tells me that "everyone always leaves" (friends, etc.), whereas I've maintained healthy and great relationships with others. My T also told me something along those lines. It's just a tough day. My T asked me if I could live this way for the rest of my life and it should seem like a simple answer. I would tell anyone I knew not to stay, but here I am. And I have a daughter plus one baby on the way. I want to leave for them but yet, I want to stay for them too.