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Something happened to me on night of Nov 15th last year.

It is something I think I've kind of blocked out, ignored, and certainly not processed properly. I'm not sure why! I have never told a living soul about it because I never thought it would happen to a guy like me, and I'm ashamed of it. I don't know why I'm ashamed, I just am.

November 15th there was a big annual event on in my town. It attracts big crowds from all over the country & the whole place is buzzing for the night. A welcome change to the usual twee picture postcard setting the town is. The whole place becomes a one big party for the night. Parties tend to include a drink or two, or six, don't they... .

My ex & I headed out to join the fun. Our evening started with a meal in a local restaurant with her parents & her siblings. My ex was drinking quite a lot of wine & even her brother noticed & made a humorous remark about pacing herself as it would be a long night.

We finished the meal & all headed to the main street for the events. We carried on drinking from the pubs serving onto the street. It was becoming quite a pi$$ up!

As the night neared to a close my ex spotted a woman who developed a crush on me during 2012. Nothing happened between us & contact was reduced to almost none by me. Please note, I live in a small community & bumping in to her once in a while is inevitable. My ex was convinced something did go on between me & this woman and has never let go of it! I've been to hell & back due to my ex's absolute belief that I cheated with her!

Although drunk, my ex kept her composure, as far as anyone else would've known. But I'd had the devilish looks & knew the night was ruined for us now! I suggested we leave, it was getting near the end & we'd beat the crowds walking back if we go now. My ex was brewing I could see it & i was nervous. We walked a few hundred yards through the crowds before getting to the quieter streets that led back to my place.

It was once we got into the quiet streets that she got going. She was storming along, ranting about the other woman. She was not legless but certainly pi$$ed up & seemed to be getting filled with fury. Not verbal rage, which I'd seen several times before, but a different kind of anger, a physically threatening anger. I thanked my lucky stars we were away from the other woman by now, because there's no doubt my ex was wanting & ready, to batter her!

As we neared my house she started repeating over & over "I'm better than her, I'm better than that slag" Over & over like a mantra!

Eventually I just wanted it to stop. I stepped in front of her forcing her to stop in her tracks. I took hold of her arms at the elbows to stop her flailing them around. I told her I loved her, again that nothing had ever gone on with the other woman & since she's told me her feelings I don't communicate with her. My shouted I should let go of her, as though I was threatening her. I said not till you calm down & stop shouting. Just calm down.

She head butted me! Full on target with full force. I'd never expected it & it stunned me. While I stood there in amazement, she punched me in the face four times. She has a ring on her right hand with a reasonable sized stone set in it. The ring cut me under my right eye.

I turned & unlocked the door. I wanted to get her overnight bag out of my place & send her packing! She followed me into the house. While she gathered her bits up I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Both eyes were swelling quickly & blood was running down my face from the cut under my right eye.

I got her out of there & pi$$ed or not I practically dragged her to her car. She was crying her eyes out but I said nothing. i unlocked the car, threw her bag in & then shoved her into the drivers seat. I was in a rage. She was crying so hard but I just didn't care. She said she couldn't drive because she was so drunk! I just wanted her away from my property so I took the keys from her hand & started the engine for her. She bit my face on the jaw & real hard like she wanted to bite a chunk of my face out. I pulled back out of the car & then told her to get the ___ away from my house or I'd drag her outa that mother ___ing thing & show her what my punches feel like!

I walked indoors & heard the car leave.

By now blood was pouring down my cheek & I took a shower. Switched my phone off so prevent further contact from her or anyone she's gone to. then went to bed.

Next morning I looked like a bloody panda! My face was a ___ing mess. Both eyes bruised, discolored & swollen. My jaw was swollen & bruised with teeth marks in the swelling.

I had to pick something up from her parents house that morning & knew i couldn't hide in the house for weeks till I healed.

I'm a bloke. I go out with friends to pubs & enjoy some beers. Pubs are also the place your most likely to end up in a fight. (Not myself haven't been in a pub fight for years).

I also play in a band, often to large crowds of people who've been drinking all night. Again, typical fight habitat.

First thing my ex's mother says when she sees my face... Her first words.

"Oh my god please don't tell me my daughter did that to you?"

The whole town was full of drinkers the previous night and still, her first suspect was her own daughter!

I didn't know what to do. Her mum looked absolutely riddled with fear while awaited my answer to her question. So I lied to her. I knew the truth would break her mums heart & she's a good woman who's helped me many times. I couldn't break her heart so I lied.

I made a credible story up on the spot & my ex got away with the whole thing. I told the same lie to everybody else too for continuity & so I didn't have to be a man who'd been beaten so badly by his partner.

I lied to people who care about me & protected my abuser.



If you got this far, thanks for reading.

Moonie

   sorry you went through that….

I just broke down in tears reading that Moonie. I am so sorry she assaulted you like that. You blocked it out of your mind out of self protection.

Thank you both.

I tried to tell my friend about this twice since it happened, a brilliant trusted friend, but just couldn't tell him.

I'm glad I've told someone about it. I'm glad I've coughed it up & spat it out.

I've been crying since I posted it & read it back.

But thank you both for taking the time to read it.

Moonie x

Wow, Moonie,.that's a sad story. Thanks for sharing that, it must have been eating you up. Her mum probably knew anyway, but you saved her some pain, always a bloke, as you say... .  how did you feel writing that down?

It's broke me, man. Tears started as I was typing it & then full flow once I'd finished.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Turk.

That's the pain leaving your body dude. I cried like a friggin' baby for months. Like mourning the death of a memory, after which only a whitewashed marker remains.

Relief comes with this kind of release.

Please go easy on yourself. You were in the FOG then.

Where do you go from here?

Its like 5 in the morning there... . you up all night?

Well Moonie my friend, I didn't exactly break down in tears over your poignant story... . the immediate conclusion I came to is of course you lied about this... . you are a man of integrity... . and a dignified white knight. Its what we do... . we protect... . and occasionally take our lumps.

Thanks for sharing.  My friends couldn't understand why we broke up.  Even her therapist asked why did we split up.  

But besides for not being able to take it anymore, my ex started to throw things at me.  It was becoming more frequent and the objects were getting more dangerous.  And these were in moments when she was sober.  It was only a matter of time before I'd need a trip to ER.

Sadly, I could take the physical abuse for a long time.  But what really broke my heart was to see clearly how much my ex despised me at those moments.

I was frustrated, angry, sad, lost in the FOG, but never felt anything but love for my ex.  But at those moments she wanted to hurt me because I was pure evil.   That's what wounded me at my core.

Thanks for sharing, I hadn't really thought about that fact for a while. It's easy to repress as a man because of the wounding to the pride and essence of chivalry.

Sadness

I'm not sleeping these last couple of weeks. This particular event has been bothering me the last few days too. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to post it, but favored it to telling someone in person. I just thought getting it out might help me.

You're good people, amazing non judgmental people with amazing hearts.

Thank you

Moonie, thank-you for sharing that with us... . it will help you in your healing. We get to hold space for you right now as you do that... . you are brave and I hope you get to see that bravery in yourself. Be very good to you right now as you let some of this grieving go... .

Good for you Moonie- it is awesome you are finding the strength to confront your demons.  I too have a story that I do not tell people concerning my BPDex because of how ashamed I am of it... .  I don't mean to derail your thread, but if you don't mind I will share, if for no other reason than to let you know that you are not alone in having unbelievably painful memories.

I found out over winter break (right around Christmas of 2012, winter break referencing that we were both in college) that my BPDex had been also dating a guy in a different city than us for the past month, as well as that she had had sex with a close friend of mine and made out with my best friend.  We split, but got back together once we both got back to school 2-3 weeks later after I made SURE she was not involved with this other guy any longer.  On a Sunday afternoon in February, my BPDex and I were having sex when she suddenly experienced a sharp, intense pain... . down there.  We stopped and I drove her to the only open clinic on the weekend to get seen.  She came out and told me that they had told her to go get seen at the hospital to for sure find out what it was, but really the two options were 1) she was pregnant (highly unlikely as we always used protection) or 2) she was having a recurrence of Ovarian cysts, which she had had issues with prior.  She went to the hospital and later that night I heard from her... . she had been pregnant.  Notice the word HAD- she miscarried.  While we were having sex.  Given the information the hospital gave her (concerning time tables), it wasn't mine.  It was the child of the guy she had been cheating on me with, who she had stayed with after we split over winter break.  My BPDex, who I dearly loved, had gotten pregnant with another man's child, and its' life had ended while we were having sex.  At 19 years old, I can't tell you what that did to my mind... . I'm almost 21 now, and I still can't fathom it.  I have shared that with my parents, my T, and 2 other people... . which, in comparison to you Moonie is alot, but given how much I wouldn't shut up about my BPDex and would tell anyone who would listen about all the things she has done, it is nothing.  

Moonie, it is hard to admit as a guy that we were abused.  It can bring about a whole range of emotions... . shame, guilt that we "let" it happen, anger, etc.  One thing I know for sure however is that it is not healthy to keep it bottled up inside... . I am glad to hear you are crying because, for me, crying has been about the most medicinal thing I have came across (when I am truly able to let it out and just CRY).  

It is amazing the things we put up with coming from our BPDex's- we TRULY loved them that much (although I think it is fair to say that there were/are a myriad of other issues at play).  We cannot change the past- but we owe it to ourselves to live a better, happier, safer life going forward in the future.  We deserve that much.

Nice catch Turk.

Remember HALT.  Don't let ourselves get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

I spent all summer not eating, being extremely sad/pissed off, feeling incredibly alone, and not sleeping.  

I came back to school and had my body fat tested; went from 13.96% in late April to 7.34% in early September.  The trainer asked how I did it: ":)epression. It's a hell of a drug  " ( Running was my only release)

From Brene' Brown, "Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment."

Moonie - you survived the best you could in a very, very difficult situation.  It was not your fault any more than it is your fault she has BPD. 

I am immensely proud of you for having the courage to voice this and the courage to let yourself grieve.

,

SB

The next step may be telling someone in person when you are ready. You know who your real friends are. Hell, take a vacation in the San Francisco area and you can tell me in person. With mine gone, I have all this room all of a sudden... . hang in there buddy.

Wow, Octoberfest, you're a strong, strong man, and an asset to the human race. Any friend or girlfriend should be honored to have you in their life.

I'm proud of you for sparing her mom the anguish.

I do worry that she was drunk driving, though - she could have hurt someone else.

Next time, try to walk away if you can.  I know it's difficult.  You don't want the situation to spread and cause even more hurt.

Hang in there!

Somebody head butting you, repeatedly punching you, trying to bite chunks out of your face, while you get them off your property, tends to distract you a little from the laws of the road.

Yes she could have hurt someone & it's not clever. Her drink driving wasn't right, but wasn't on my list of priorities in the moment.

And there may well be a next time she viciously head butts, punches & bites her partner, but I won't be there!

Thank you for sharing!  Your strength is inspiring. And your thoughtfulness and integrity through that horrible experience is a testament to your goodness. Hold your head high. You are a stronger and better man than most.

Thank you for sharing Moonie and Octoberfest.  I am truly sorry you went through that.  It's funny that we suppress these things.  I was reminded by a friend I told after the incident which I had totally forgotten.  I hope you are able to sleep well.

Moonie and Octoberfest

Yes, we do often suppress events that are traumatizing, and we all do it. Even the most sensitive issues can cause deep emotional pain when kept hidden.

Neither of you have anything to be ashamed of. You were abused and abuse comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. That doesn't matter ... . what's wrong is wrong.  

Many other men would not have been so restrained.  It took real courage to walk away and not look back.That is commendable.

Move forward with your lives. Those women did not deserve you.

Just a hug for you Moonie! 

    You did the right thing, mate.


   Maybe the next right thing to do, now that the physical wounds have healed, is to tell her Mum the truth. She assumed that her daughter was the culprit, so it would seem she's aware of a bit of history in that regard. Telling her may prove cathartic for you, and I doubt she'd think any less of you for it. Worst case scenario is you might cop another coat of black paint if she confronts her daughter about it.

   On the other hand, her Mum is probably the person with the best chance of getting her daughter to accept that she needs professional help, and knowledge of the truth of what happened that night might just be enough to tip the scales, when added to her knowledge of her daughters' earlier history. In that case, everyone wins.

   :)on't feel ashamed of what happened that night. You're definitely not alone in being a male on the receiving end of violence from a female, and you showed the calibre of your character in not hitting (or head-butting) her back. My uBPDxgf was also physically violent, having the advantage of knowing I wouldn't hit back, and I've never spoken about it outside this 'family' of ours, either. I often wonder how many guys who've been charged with assaulting their partners have in fact been defending themselves against a violent assault, or finally had enough and hit back.

    Stay strong Moonie, and don't be ashamed of those tears, either. When I get the old 750/4 back on the road, I might come have a beer with you.  :)

Sorry to hear this Moonie. I am glad that you let it out. Facing our shame head on is the only way for us to learn to respect and love ourselves. You are a good man and deserve so much better in your life than an emotional and physical abuser. Keep your head up high. You've done nothing wrong but loved a sick person.

Glad you got it out... . super strong of you!   

 

You are amazing, Moonie!  You're not going to let anything hold back your healing.  You are an inspiration to all of us!

I was slapped hard in the face last year on Feb 24th. I remember the date because it was the 16th anniversary of my Grandmothers passing.

She was upset at me because her friend took a job that she turned down and I told her don't get mad at me and that she could have had the job but instead her loser friend who cares only for herself took the job. She got really crazy and slapped me after I tried all night to be nice and took her to dinner because she was upset.

These people are not normal they have low self-worth and project their issues on us causing us to believe we are the problem and not themselves.

I hope this helps you a little.

    Jim

Oh bud.  That's about the hardest ones I've ever heard of... .

Silver lining... . at least the behavior was so INCREDIBLY disordered you know deep down that there is NO hope for this.  EVER. 

While I never had anything quite that extreme we had our moments.  Rages had begun to get physical with her poking me and pushing me... . and then throwing things.  I could FEEL it beginning to escalate and think it would have wound up in outright physical abuse if I'd let it continue. 

From what I've read this is standard.  It all gets worse... . the rages increase in frequency, the physical abuse shows up and continues to escalate, and the substance abuse be it alcoholism or whatever or both just gets progressively worse. 

They're literally in a black hole and cant pull themselves out... . and drag you along with.  Sometimes I think they enjoy the black hole because all that ANGER makes them feel alive... . it gives them meaning and purpose... . especially since many of them don't have much of a reason to wake up at the beginning of each day... . or even if they do (like a kid) they consider it more of a burden than a reason to live. 

That was brave of you to tell us.  I wouldn't tell the mom anything even now.  It opens up the gateway for the ex to come back and attack you for badmouthing her and spreading gossip in her mind.  She will NOT see it as an altruistic act.   

Hi Moonie,

Let it out son, we have nothing to fear but the truth.

This to me is part of the way they cause such mental destruction.

My ex started an argument at the end of our first year together. She came at me in the kitchen and I said you're getting too close and aggressive. Suddenly she sucker punched me in the jaw, I saw stars and instinctively hit her back. She fell and looked terrified crying and saying I was going to beat her. It was awful, I forgot she had hit me and felt horrified at what I'd done. I went to the bedroom saying I'll pack a bag and leave. I cried as I packed just never before layed a hand on a woman ever. She came into the bedroom and said it was ok, I very carefully and calmly said it was unforgivable what I had done and would leave quickly. She stopped me seduced me and had sex with me. After this she always told me how much she hated me getting angry or assertive. I now think if I had t protected myself that day it would have become a weekly/monthly event. Later she would provoke me. At the end to paint me black she was trying to make me hit her. I was so shocked she was doing this, so obvious what she was doing. She did much worse emotionally. I suffered almost physical breakdown, oh she hit me with more than her fists.

It's all part of breaking you down

Peace to you Moonie

Hey Moonie, The sad thing about this episode to me is how often we Nons cover for our BPD SOs.  I understand that we Nons generally think of ourselves as White Knights, but we do ourselves a disservice by lying to others when our pwBPD acts out and rages against us.  That's the insidious thing about BPD: we are often ashamed or embarrassed to talk about what's really going on, which is usually abuse in one form or another.  Lucky Jim

This is a sensitive topic for me Moonie. I've been avoiding a reply because it dredges up crap that I'd just as soon leave alone. So I figure I better say something and face the feelings.

First of all, I'm sorry that you had to experience physical abuse. I know how it feels. It has to be the lowest level of respect one person is capable of showing another. It leaves us bewildered how a person that has professed undying love for us to turn into a threat that we feel compelled to defend ourselves from. This dissonance was overwhelming for me. Again, I'm sincerely sorry that you experienced that.

Completely unacceptable yet I accepted it. Made allowances because I knew of the BPD. Let it repeat into cycles. Years.

Left me with trauma buried in my subconscious mind that I was unable to process at the time.

Getting this stuff out is a little more complicated than just talking about it. It's something that my counsellor and I haven't been able to get far with.

Admitting this is a start. By keeping it secret or covering it up, a person unwittingly becomes an enabler. We let ourselves be defined by another persons sick personality. We're better than that. We deserve better.

I can relate to this completely.  No one knew any of our problems for 12 years until I finally opened up about them.  We think of others above ourselves.  And while noble and kind, that can be a recipe for disaster when it comes to being in a relationship with a BPD.

I'm sorry that happened Moonie.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but hiding the secret and living the lie were probably more painful than the physical damage; my ex punched the crap out of me and hit me in the face, undeniably abuse, but that was nowhere near as painful as the continuous mindfck.  She doesn't know how close she got to getting her ass kicked though, and accessing bpdfamily from jail would have been much more difficult.  Whew!  Bullet dodged.

Good for you for telling us and being vulnerable; how does the situation feel now?  More resolved?

Moonie is it likely you were protecting yourself by not divulging the truth?

Often in times like this we experience self shame. It's ok - you did your best and the best of us crack under such immense pressure. Allowing ourselves to walk on eggshells for so long can cause us to do things we wouldn't normally.

Nicely put, Perfidy.  I'm with you, SeekingAdvice, fromheeltoheal and Clearmind.

LJ

Hi Moonie

That was a powerful post.

It took guts to endure asault and not seek justice

It took guts to recount it as well.

At least you know that any relationship anywhere with anyone is gonna bring you more joy than that.

(( hugs )) 

That took courage for you to share that with all of us... .   I do hope it helps you on your road to healing... .

Moonie, not only does it help you heal, but it helps us to heal, too ~ helps me heal ~ so, thank you. 

yes, i agree with DreamofPeace, you ARE brave to share this experience.  there's stuff i'm still holding in... . out of shame, fear of judgement, i suppose... . so yeah i'm admiring you!   |iiii

my exBPDgf progressed to a hardcore violent alcoholic, so i greatly appreciate your reminder of how bad news alcohol can be, how dangerous a pwBPD can be, and what a catastrophic combination the two can be together.  thank god chocolate and peanut butter is such a safe pairing.   

Icu2

Ucme... .    curious how long that progression took leading up to the violent alcoholic part?  was she a drinker before that?

thanks...

Moonie, you didn't deserve that. No one deserves to be hit or bitten.  :'(

I've done a lot of advocacy work for individuals that are/were in domestic violence situations. If they ever met me, it was because there were children involved and the conflict/violence had escalated to needing a protection order for one of the parties. Counseling is a big factor to recovery for both parents and there is a lot of psychological components involved when it comes to being in these relationships. Statistically speaking, the woman - on average - returns to the relationship seven times. There are reasons for that - usually having to do with the cycle of violence. (i.e. men are twice as likely to be abusive if they grew up witnessing abuse of their mother, and women are more likely to be in an abusive relationship if they witnessed their mother being abused.)   




In the US, if you had reported this entire incident to the police - you probably would have both been arrested.

It's not OK to restrain someone when they are trying to walk away - even when you're shouting "I love you" and "calm down".

I don't say that to take away from what she did, and what she did was really wrong... . and it is not a justification to hit or bite.

I say it because it's really important not to avoid what part we played. Maybe it was 27% you and 73% her - but the only part you have the power to improve on is that 27%.

And we're in the PI zone over here where we take the hard look at ourselves.

Moonie, did you grow up in an abusive home?

honestly take2 i don't know... . and i'm not sure it's relevant here in moonie's thread... . but, she lied to me a lot (in the beginning i didn't even know she was actively drinking).  she protected me from her drinking, hid it from me, stayed away from me when she was drinking, isolated.  in the beginning, anyways.  it got real bad the last yr i knew her.  at the end of my 3 yr on/off stint with her, she was physically dependent (suffered DT's if she didnt drink round the clock, altho i think she milked even that!) and went to rehab twice, jail many times, and then prison.  hope that helps you, if not, you can PM me Take2.