BPDFamily.com

I broke off contact and erased all social media contacts after I she got in to another relationship. I was certain I would never her from her again because I quietly slipped away and I assumed she would be afraid to contact me because I might give her an earful or bring up the past. I thought she would feel it was just best to let things go as there were no angry words exchanged at the end but my deletion of her sent a message.

I got a text from her but didnt recognize her number (Id erased it) and it was a simple request to provide a consulting service to one of her friends and I agreed to do it before I realized it was her and not a friend from a different number. She texted how I was doing and I told her good and I wished her well. I was cordial and left the conversation by saying I would be happy to speak with her referral. Id realized by that point who it was but I was in the middle of copying some documents and treated it as a routine referral. This was several days ago and havent heard anything from her or her referral.

I have no idea if she'll contact me again but I was shocked she contacted me.

Im not dwelling on it but just wanted to post this because it's uncanny how many of our exes with this disorder follow patterns others have written about the forum. I was 100% certain I'd never hear from her again and she followed the pattern laid out on here by so many.

Reading the accounts of other people here and seeing patterns has helped me tremendously in my recovery. This time last year I knew nothing about BPD and the people here helped me a lot with sharing.

Me too!

After some research, and reading some of these threads, I'm starting to understand her patterns. The most intense contact comes from her when she is in between replacements and is feeling like her life is out of control. Knowing that going in, I'm now prepared to deal with her. I can validate her feelings, and show empathy but not get sucked in to the drama and expose myself to more pain.

That's a tight rope walk with trying to balance both. I thought the same thing when she left me, that I needed to learn tools to better communicate, but I was reminded by people here, that's it done. Game over. I thought that it might smooth the edges over and I could get along with her due to the kids sake, butI don't need to learn any of those tools. She's the mother of my kids (that's it) and if she starts a blame-storm, rage at me, I simply hang up the phone or don't respond to her e-mail.

Validation is something that you can use on your children and other people though and is a powerful tool.

Are you friends with your ex?

I wouldn't go that far.

We still have some legal issues (community property) to work out now that the divorce is final. It's kind of complicated right now. There is a house and a decent amount of debt involved, and like a classic pwBPD she has her very own special way of looking at finances.  I learned the hard way during the divorce proceedings that she can drag her feet and cost me a lot of extra money when the lawyers get involved.

We also live in a smallish town and have a number of shared local interests (bands, events, etc.). For the first year, or so, after our split I avoided doing some of the things that I really enjoyed because I was afraid of running into her. At that time I didn't know which version of her I would run into. The fact that she called the police and told them I hit her during an argument after she moved out also had something to do with that. I didn't want to spend another 36 hours in jail for something I didn't do.

I have been learning when to spot the signs that she is volatile and disengage and leave, and when she is behaving rationally (for her) and it is ok to communicate normally. At least as normal as she gets.

It can be a tightrope sometimes. But it's what I have been learning how to do so I can live my life in this town how I want to.

I apologize if that question came across the wrong way.

I still get nervous if I go to places that we frequented and I tend to avoid them. I don't want to run into her and the paramour.

I was charged with assault and I went to court and the charges were dropped and I can't say what it feels like going to jail, but I was seriously scared.

She has raged at me once when I picked up the kids when she was going through an exctinction burst, I validate the children and I don't let it bother me. More  exctintion bursts and she was making a scene a couple of other times in front of the kids. Same thing, I validated the kids and I didn't let it bother me on my time with the kids, but I can't say that I'm at indifference yet.

As far as I'm concerned, we're not friends, she's a STBX and she's simply the mother of my kids. I pick them up on my week, communicate by e-mail, emergency calls only and drop them off at home. Her projections, blame storms etc... When she is feeling emotionally dysregulated with her paramour, I just ignore it. I'm not a source for her to dump her emotional garbage on anymore.

It didn't come across wrong to me. No need to apologize.

Where I live, If someone calls the police for a domestic one party is going to the Sherriff's office to be booked. Since she called, and then made a cut on her arm to back up her story, I was the one who went. Went in on Saturday night and because of the computer system crashing, was released in the wee hours of Monday.

I avoided a lot of things that I thought she would show up to for a long time. The first time I went to see a band we both liked she happened to be there too. It was fine in the beginning. I put up with her replacement, put a good face on things, and tried to be cordial. At the end of the show she was quite drunk, and started to rage at me. She put on quite a show of her own. I ended up leaving a getting quite drunk myself. After that I was lucky. She was out of work and couldn't afford to go out. I still have second thoughts when going somewhere I think she might be too. So far I've been lucky.

I will now remove myself from the situation if I get even a hint that she is about trigger. I am also fine with letting the phone go to voice mail and ignore texts when I know she is off. I've learned that no mater what she says and rants on about, I am not the bad guy in this. She can say whatever she wants. I know I'm going to my own space and won't let her into my head.