BPDFamily.com

Happy Valentine's Day!   

Today is my Birth. Day.  :)

A Valentine Birth.Day. :)

I've done a lot of self-reflection lately. I has taken many years to realize that; my FOO is not OK.  But I am OK.  

I've had difficulties, challenges. MANY. Despite my upbringing/FOO, today-I can say, I feel pretty good about myself. My life has meaning.  I don't have any regrets. I think few people can say that.

I think I am remarkable.  :)

It took time to arrive here; it has often been a long, arduous, tedious journey. Alone.

Lately I've asked myself, 'How does one resolve that fact that you did not become a mess?  That you did not become an alcoholic.  That you  did not become a drug addict.  That you  did not commit suicide. That you  did not marry an abuser or become an abusive.  Was my FOO not, that bad? Did they they do BPD-light?  How does one negotiate that fact that they turn out turned out 'OK ?   Even 'good', in some cases-despite FOO and related personal challenges? It doesn't add up. I came up with this:

Luckily, on my journey I crossed paths with teachers, neighbors, mentors, counselors, therapists, and a lover who listened to me, nurtured me, believed me... . helped me in large ways-and small-to believe to in myself and in who I could be. Those people changed .my. life. when everything else around me was a whirlwind of adult BPD chaos, drama and dysfunction.  They comforted me and validated an inherent sense self worth when my broken FOO was failing miserably. Now, I want to be like that for others.

In relation to my Birth.Day I came up with this:

My Birth.Day... . is on Valentines Day.  It's significant. This day, associated with hearts, love, amor, colors red and pink, bouquets, flowers, roses, babies breath, chocolate, candy hearts, joy, happiness, cupid, angels, bow and arrow of love, couples, lovers,  fancy restaurant dinners, jewelry, diamonds, SOS-'someone special'. It is THE day of Love.

When I was a kid, my UBPDmother used to tell me that I was the best Valentine's Day present she could have gotten.  :) She and my both my PDgrandmothers would make sure that I received a special, combined 'Valentine Birthday' card-not always easy to find.   I got those cards for years-through college-and even now as a grown woman.  In a jumble of negative, confusing FOO memories those cards stand out as one of the few things that validated what my FOO's behavior often invalidated; that I had value. That I was unique and special. Nobody else like me. :)

And as a kid I never knew anyone else who shared this birthday, so it was all mine to feel special about!  In my world, no one else was born on the same day. So that meant... . I had to be special.   :)

Having a  Valentine-Birth.Day is meant everything  to the little girl who was flailing, caught up in a whirlwind of adult chaos, drama and dysfunction.  To the adolescent girl struggling to understand her UBPDmom's inappropriate behaviors. To the teenager still reeling from her parent's divorce, and forced to take sides between two adults and their warring family factions, coerced into abandoning her own feelings in exchange for being part of a new, 'blended family', who was uprooted mid-school year to attend a new school in a new town and who struggled for some morsel of 'acceptance.'  To the young woman, who found herself with a good job but clinically depressed, in therapy and struggling in recovery from an eating disorder.  To the grown, adult woman who's been a-journeyin' alone, searching for years to find an elusive 'healing'... . to find freedom, and who finally feels like she's almost done.  

Almost... . free.

I'm writing this so that hopefully, anyone else who's been searching for their freedom, struggling to find some liberation can also find it by identifying what things in your life made you feel unique, specialness; valuable.

Keep searching for the things that validated what you already knew about yourself, despite what your FOO and others may have told you. Or that you were too scared to believe could possibly be true.  :)ig deep; but find it.  And then, hold on to it.

Because, a Valentine-Birth.Day validated for me what I always knew about myself:

That I am NO MISTAKE.

That I am meant to be.  

That I always was.

Happy Birthday HopeEternal! 

What an inspiring post, thank you for sharing.  You are special, more than ok, and worthy of love and connection, always!

I'm so glad that you had some people around you that validated who you were during those chaotic times growing up.  It just goes to show that each of us can make a difference, and we may not even realize how much we've helped.

Keep up the great work, Hope.

happy belated bday!

i like your post! it reads as a reflection of hard work that you have put in in building yourself!. although i dont know your story, the person coming through this post is one who has enough self respect and self love, recognizing the troubles and obstacles you have been through that made you who you are now, in a positive way.

thanks for sharing this! and great work!  |iiii

Hi heartandwhole and growingwings!  

Thank you very much for reading my post and for commenting.  I appreciated your thoughts.

I just felt the need to voice some of the things I'd been thinking leading up to my birthday.

It's nice to be able to share here... . I'd been gone from the forum for a long time but I feel like I always have a 'home' of sorts on this board to vent, share, release. :)

I used to receive an automatic birthday email each year from this site; I so appreciated it in years when I've been NC with my FOO. I felt remembered. NC is hard on a person. I think they've stopped sending those emails out. *sigh*

On another note, I have something cool to report related to my birthday:

After many years out of touch I reconnected with my best friend from my elementary school years... . via Facebook!  

I'd searched for her so many times on the Internet... . hoping to be able to send an email and say hi and reconnect! But I could never find her. My elementary school years were very difficult; I didn't have a lot of other kid friends my age, I was teased and excluded a lot and my FOO had issues .  But this girl, I'll call her Klaire... . our parents were friends so we played together... . i rememeber we were very close, we did girl scouts together, and slumber parties, talk on the phone... . I considered her to be my 'best friend'.  It may sound childish and contradictory -but this girl was the only 'best friend' I've ever had-and then I lost her abruptly.  When I was 12 my parents divorced and I moved with my mom halfway across the country. I lost touch with Klaire, and every other friend I had just made in my first year of junior high; my first year at a new school and finally getting to experience being socially accepted by other kids-after years of teasing and exclusion. It was the most exciting year and equally devastating when I got uprooted from all that mid-year and forced to star all over somewhere new.  I did speak to Klaire once in high school by phone... . but we lost touch again after that.

So fast forward... . high school, college, work, she got married(I didn't! :P), etc... . LIFE!

I know it sounds weird... . and no, I'm not a stalker... . but I tried to search for her several times on the net... . but could never find her... . then I decided to try one last time on my birthday... . and bingo... . I FOUND HER... . on Facebook! She spells her first name with a K not C, (I'd forgotten) and she's married with a new last name!

This girl was at my birthday party when I turned 10!... . and when I wrote her she wrote me back with details she remembered about my childhood which felt really good! So after so many years, I got to celebrate another birthday with her... . albeit via the  net!

As I am maturing and moving forward emotionally, putting some old emotional baggage to rest, in many ways it's nice to know there is someone in the world who can validate the childhood reality I remember.

Thank you for letting me share L6 folks. :)

I think it is indeed part of the journey re-connecting with childhood friends.

GLad you found your friend! and keep moving forward.

I find i want to post now more on the L6 as opposed to the L3 of leaving & detaching. I am tired of raging against my ex... now i want to really build myself back up. DOesnt mean is easy... but i prefer.

So thanks for sharing your sstory! is good to see those around.

Happy Re - birthday ... .

Thank you recycled no more!