Title: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: pixiecat on February 14, 2014, 11:19:26 AM I feel weary today and so tired about the unfairness of it all.
He has an exceptionally low threshold for feeling invalidated, and will absolutely rage when he does, but is extremely invalidating to me. "BS!" "I don't buy that." "You derail me wanting to listen." "You're a liar." He has such a low threshold for feeling blamed and criticised, and is hostile and angry when he does, but criticises me overtly. He cannot cope with feeling like I am upset with him or like he has let me down, so he gets angry and invalidating and criticising. If he is upset with me I must just accept it. I told him about JADE and now if I say anything he says "You JADEd me!" He feels something = I am guilty. When he is calmer and feels validated and understood, we never go back to understand my view. He says he is feeling emotional shock from a few things that have happened (and not happened except as his own feelings, but now they are reality), but is oblivious to the battering of emotional shocks I experience all the time. I am not perfect. I am sure I am inadvertently invalidating, but I try so hard not to be. It's never good enough because the triggers are so sensitive. I can get upset and emotional too, but I have never criticised his character outright invalidated and been nasty the way he is, and I never would. It's not in my nature to fight like that, and I wouldn't wound him like that anyway. It's just very, very tiring. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: SleepsOnSofa on February 14, 2014, 02:09:26 PM I know what you mean. With my wife, every disagreement is a no-holds-barred fight to the death. She will say anything to gain advantage, no matter how hurtful or inaccurate. She will curse and call me names, sometimes in front of our D6, with no regard for the future. I'm constantly holding back, not cursing, not name-calling, not saying things that I know would wound her as much as what she says hurts me, partly because I know that doing so only extends and escalates the fight, but also because I realize that even after the fight, we'll still have to live together and find some way to get along. I can get over the things she says to me in a few hours or a few days, but anything I say to her, even in the heat of an argument, will be remembered for years, and thrown back at me as an example of how cruel I'm supposed to be to her.
It really is asymmetric - that's a very apt word. She can do or say anything to me, but I have to be polite, respectful, and even deferential, to avoid setting her off or amping her up. It's like being in a boxing match against a heavy-weight champ, with both hands tied behind your back, and no bell coming to end the round. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: earthgirl on February 14, 2014, 04:55:02 PM Pixiecat,
I know, right? I don't have any sage advice. I just wanted to say that I understand. I wish I didn't. A year into this relationship, and I am realizing I am going to have to let go *forever* of any ideas of fairness. I keep wanting things to be equal between us, the same standards applying to us both, but that is *never* going to happen. It's impossible -- even though I think he would genuinely want that, he's not capable of it. He doesn't possess the skill set to make that happen. I've got to focus on the benefits of the relationship (erm... . someone please remind me... . the undecided forum is looking better and better) and remind myself that this is the price of admission. It's not fair, it's not going to be fair, and he's never going to acknowledge the unfairness of it, let alone work towards fairness. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: earthgirl on February 14, 2014, 05:18:26 PM Edited to add this link on radical acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0 Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: pixiecat on February 15, 2014, 05:23:47 AM It really is asymmetric - that's a very apt word. She can do or say anything to me, but I have to be polite, respectful, and even deferential, to avoid setting her off or amping her up. Yep. I saw some of your other posts SleepsOnSofa and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Thanks for commenting. It's like being in a boxing match against a heavy-weight champ, with both hands tied behind your back, and no bell coming to end the round. A heavy-weight champ with all the strength and ability to hurt of an adult, but controlled and driven by the emotions of a 4 year old ... . Thanks for reminding of that link Earthgirl. I'm sorry you're in this situation too. I am thinking I should be on the 'undecided' board now too :-( I am so, so tired and my feelings of love, which have always returned are very hard to feel at the moment. I've been hurt badly before and felt like giving up, but that love and desire and all that were there, even if they felt a bit diminished or bruised. I'm really struggling to locate them right now though. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: earthgirl on February 15, 2014, 03:40:44 PM Pixiecat,
I feel like you're writing down exactly how I feel right now. The last 2 big blow-ups have taken the wind out of my sails in a way that hasn't happened before... . I've always been hurt and sad but I bounced back, but now I feel something very different... . resentment and, as much as I don't like to admit this, what may be disgust. I'm very frightened by the fact that I can't seem to get back to where I was. I feel like so much good, strong, love has been squandered on stupid things that didn't matter. I hope I can get over this hump and my resentment goes away. I hope you can get over the hump, too. I will be pulling for you. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: an0ught on February 16, 2014, 05:22:22 AM Hi,
It really is asymmetric - that's a very apt word. She can do or say anything to me, but I have to be polite, respectful, and even deferential, to avoid setting her off or amping her up. It's like being in a boxing match against a heavy-weight champ, with both hands tied behind your back, and no bell coming to end the round. I'm picking here on SOS's post as it contains the issue distilled and I like the boxing figure but others would work just as fine. First - it is asymmetric. At one time we believed we were meeting as adults with both being equal and now things have shifted. While a scale can be sometimes a good visualization I often prefer territory here as it goes better with boundaries. We have ceded too much territory and are pinned in a corner. There is no way out except leaving the relationship or taking territory that is important to us back one bit at a time. Do we stand a chance? No! Not when we think of it as boxing match. We are not emotional heavyweights - more the opposite. We have lost our strongholds - lost our strategic advantages. We do not want to fight - we prefer cooperation. No we are doomed if we are looking for traditional approaches - being strong, starting from a good position and negotiating a reasonable settlement. Do we have to fight, would not validation solve the problem? Our territory has the size of a place-mat, life and impulse controlled challenged pwBPD is continuously eroding what we have. Validation is important, very important. First it helps us avoiding unnecessary invalidation - big relief. Then it helps us sense making - all good. It helps us dampening the easily excited emotions of the pwBPD and decrease the frequency and size of dysregulation and associated behavior - perfect. It is an excellent coping skill. Coping is not enough! We deserve better! Some of us may have a natural sense of that and some of us struggle with having an innate sense of a right to "deserve better". That is a possibly important topic where looking into our own childhood can be quite enlightening. If we want our lives back and thrive we need to fight! Brute force is not going to win the day. We have strengths too. We have much better understanding what is going on! We have much better ability to plan! We have much better ability to control our behavior and we have skills! The pwBPD may win bar brawls with fists but as generals we win the war! How do we go about it? Intelligence - we know where the pwBPD is emotionally. We know ourselves well. Sun Tzu said: Excerpt If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle. Boundaries - we think hard which territory to win. It may be territory we ceded or one that is now important to us, to who we are in line with our values. Picking and then winning our battles makes a big difference. - we fight to win a war not a battle. We fight for what is fair. We do not fight to death. We do not destroy what can be avoided. If we misjudged a situation we can be flexible and retreat although we certainly do not like it as it breaks our record. We respect the other party. We do our part to contain fights - we have not all under our control though. - we don't want to fight, we dislike it and to some degree we fear it. But then it is needed and knowing ourselves, our SO, the situation and consequences we are not afraid of taking a stand. - we focus on shifting boundaries not on fighting. - we manage the escalation level on our side (the only one we control) and avoid going nuclear. Our behavior and skills - we can only control ourselves. When I heard this the first time I thought this sounds resigned. Nowadays I tend to think of this a one of the most powerful positions one can take. If we put all our focus behind ourselves we are putting 100% of our energy in the place that allows us to affect the outside world - our behavior. Sometimes behavior includes words but generally words are weaker forms of expression compared with acting. - validation. Validation allows us to protect ourselves from projection. It also allows us to reflect hostile emotions back with little effort when they belong and can be fixed. A bit like Judo. - boundaries. We know how to put one up that is solid. We can hold on to it with comparatively little energy to what is dissipated during an extinction burst by the other party. We have the patience to get through it and know the dust will settle on the other side and is then receptive for our compassion. This is an intentional belligerent post. Not because I recommend war - far from it - validation and an occasional gentle prodding with SET go a long way. But feeling helpless and treated unfair is not helpful to get back to a life in which we feel safe and in control of what matters to us. Boundaries in the right places are a critical part of the equation. And changing boundaries does imply conflict. Conflicts which in their majority we have to win as it is an uphill battle from our position. We don't need to like it but at one point in time we need to take a step out of our corner and move forward. In that process we will claim stuff that is perceived as unfair by the pwBPD (what is fair?) and we may not avoid hurting the pwBPD at times too. These are hard choices and there are real risks associated with them. There are consequences with real meaning which we own. Change can be painful but the "safe" alternative of feeling like a victim is not really attractive either. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: pixiecat on February 18, 2014, 01:36:11 PM an0ught, thank you so much for such a long and thoughtful reply. Yes, I agree, there is no place in victimhood in this. I'll reread this again, for sure.
I felt tired and defeated when I wrote this. I don't feel as defeated now. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I'm in an OK place. We've had a lot of honest communication after I wrote this (I think I needed to vent this here so it didn't spill out) and he's having such a horrible time. I'm kinda lucky in that my pwBPD is very aware of it, but it's extremely upsetting for him that he does and that it causes/is causing problems and unhappiness. Title: Re: The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD Post by: damcav on February 19, 2014, 10:25:16 AM The asymmetry you describe is one of the things that strikes me every day.
She can call me the vilest of things, yell at the top of her voice, but if I even *frown* while dealing with her tantrums I'm being 'nasty' or 'evil' to her. It also extends to basic activities. She often pops out to see her friends, leaving our toddler with me (no problem at all... . that's what normal people do... . ); however, I'm de-facto banned from seeing friends or doing *anything* enjoyable because I'd be 'neglecting' our son leave her to do 'everything.' Hang on in there... . I'm new to this forum and it's already comforting to be amongst people who know exactly what it's like... . |