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I can't stop beating myself up, I think I'm going carzy myself!

Without change, nothing changes.

Yes, it's something I do too.  I beat myself up and also it's shame that I feel from attaching with a borderline.  My NPD mom was abusive physically and emotionally and the BPD gave me a loving parent finally.  Ironically, I am beating myself up and fill myself with shame, the very things my mom did and still tries to do to me.  Yes, by consciously knowing all of this gives it less power. 

Thanks Shadow for the insight.

I have always gone for 'oddballs'.  My mum pointed out that I always seem to pick 'the underdog' to have a relationship with and never somebody who is my equal.  It is always somebody who 'needs' me to sort out their problems.  Then when they are on their feet, off they go with somebody else!

Why is this?  I just don't know.

Exactly!

I can't stop beating myself up, I think I'm going carzy myself! [/quote]
Taking this into an actionable step - how do you now heal your core childhood wounds so you can repair your own attachment issues?  

Maybe time for your own inner work on the PI board Pearl?

Yup,  I try not to, but yes... . very frustrating.  I want to change me, as SB talked about, so I don't EVER get into a r/s like that ever again.

I have a mantra that sometimes helps me.  I tell myself to be kind, loving and gentle with myself.  Sometimes it works, but its always a struggle.
The part about the "BPD gave me a loving parent finally" - that really hits the nail on the head!

For me, I think my work is going to be in truly accepting myself as I am and giving myself that unconditional love that I didn't get from my FOO.  If I can do that, then hopefully I will never fall for a BPD (or anyone else that's immature emotionally or displays unacceptable behavior) again.

I was beating myself up for staying in an unhealthy relationship with my exBPDgf. I can't believe i did not see the red flags or think something was off. But i am trying to learn from this experience. I now understand that emotional stability is good trait to look for in a future partner.

And i understand, i thought i was going crazy myself. It is because we did not get closure, we were left so quickly and confused. If you were like me, you thought everything was going good. And then to have your whole world change without any warning. It sucks but just remember it was issues with your ex that lead to this. This shows more about who they are not who you are.

I don't really beat myself up for it. But I think that it was a signal that something is wrong with me, because I just stayed for too long with her.

At some point she became just so outrageous, it's amazing that I didn't just kick her out, even though I was thinking about it sometimes.

But no, I try to learn from it rather to beat myself up for it. I let her stay because I didn't have enough self-esteem to say "I rather find another girlfriend than staying with you". But I think that's exactly what my friends with a healthy self-esteem would have said. So I am working on myself to feel better about myself so that the next time when I have an abusive girlfriend I'll break up with her immediately.

Though I beat myself a little up for letting her always manipulating me to believe that I am the bad guy. I should have known better.

I don't either, but... .


This! That I let myself believe I was THE problem when i knew better. Letting her send me to therapy in Year 1. Then being abandoned to it in Year 6, which was good to continue for months by myself, confiming by my T that there is nothing wrong with me other than letting my Rescuer traits go to far (he admits to being a Rescuer too, so he could relate, though he's had a long, happy marriage). Being sent to therapy... . just like my mom did to me when I was 13, when she was the problem, I later found out, a complete mess. When I was a kid, I had no choice (though I was smart enough to know then that what I said would get back to my mom and I didn't want to deal with the retribution).

This time I had a choice and still did it! The good thing is this time I held nothing back. I didn't fear my Ex, and don't fear myself. I figured out myself a long time ago, even if I blinded myself in this r/s. I know why, and accept that I went in eyes wide shut due to a pattern. I think I knew the whole time, which is probably why we had trouble from the beginning. I wasn't one of her empty narc man boys. I was had wounds, but wasn't an empty person, but a whole one, confidant in who i am. I figured out the BPD in Year 1 ("there's something wrong her... . like she has a PD or something... . ", but dismissed it! Oh well, can't change the past, only the roadmap to the future).

I fell in love. There is no shame in that.

I tried to help the one I loved. No shame in that.

I stayed until I knew I had to go. No shame in that.

All answers are understandable. I don't think anybody has experienced what I have experienced. It has proven to me that borderlines are real psychos that's why I'm so scared!

If I stood here and said that I don't beat myself up, I would be lying. However, at the same time and moment, I don't. Why the contradiction? I do, because I should have been more wiser to the signs, the warning signs, and the many many many red flags that were presented to me before I got myself into the situation.

I don't? Because, that would totally discount me as a whole individual. I love the fact that I have an open heart that can care about people, that can want to take care of others, and that can love people. I love that about myself and if I was anything different, I think I would much rather commit suicide for being so cold hearted.

So that answers your question. yes and no... . Any other questions? Please feel free to ask

MGL

Yes!

But at the same time I do feel ashamed, and I do beat myself up over this! Eventough I know there wasnt a thing I could have done differently to change the outcome.

I'm not beating myself up over it. Things started out well and then got out of control. I didn't know how to deal with it because I didn't know she was mentally disturbed. By the time I figured out what her deal is, it was too late. I made a good faith effort to love her and that's the best anyone can do.

Nope,

I'm not beating myself up any more.  I survived.  SHE didn't win!  She put me in hospital and in a terrible emotional state, but 5mths later I'm in my new home, thinking of new job opportunities, feel good about myself... .  

She's unemployed and nothing will have changed.  Same old student room, devaluing friends, pain, actually a very boring and unfulfilling life.

Apart from her beauty, there was/is nothing else that I love anymore.  And I can find beauty again... .  

She did give me one thing -an appreciation of others, especially my therapist and a super man whoSAVED my life.  I beat myself up for being the person I was -who valued the beauty rather than the skills, hard work, talent and empathy that others have. 

Hi Pearl -

You are understandably traumatized. No wonder you feel this way, seriously! I've read your history, I know what your ex has done, is doing.

You are not going crazy. It just feels like it because of what you've been through, and the "fleas"  you've picked up from him. But, that being said, YOU can change. You can heal, learn, grow and GET BETTER.

Your ex can't. You know this, you were with him for years.

Don't beat yourself up anymore. Because to me, that means he still has power over you. And in a sense, you are still letting him do it. Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom>> >>

And I am free. And you will be too... .

As far as falling for the "crazy", well, yep. I did. Loved him very much. He did not love me.

Game over.

May I throw in my two cents?

Pearl,

I want to tell you I am truly sorry for all the pain that you are feeling. Without a doubt, you have every right to be tearing yourself apart for the way your ex treated you. You gave your all, and without a doubt, your ex probably destroyed a lot if not all of you in pieces. I can feel your pain. My ex is doing the same thing to me. However, can I offer a suggestion? I am in no shape or form the expert on this, but I can just go only on my own personal experience. Remember, you are a good person inside and out, and that you believed someone that you truly loved was all that and a bag of potato chips. I can respect that. I can respect you for being honest about your feelings. Never ever deny your true feelings with the situation as that will just lead to more and potentially more hurt and angst down the road.

Remember, that you are a good person and that you are the one with the good heart. Its not your fault that you got hurt. You wanted to believe in the good in the person that hurt you. There's nothing wrong with that. Give yourself time to heal. Take the steps and make them small if need be and remember that you would rather feel the pain than to actually act as if it didn't faze you, because then he would have beaten you and turned you into something that you aren't...

I'm here if you need to talk

MGL

Getting angry is part of the grieving process.   First I got angry at her for the abuse,  then I got angry at myself for not leaving her at the first sign of her abuse.  Which was incidentally the day after we became intimate.   Driving down the highway at 80-90 mph.  (Sound familiar? ) to anyone?  How long I grieve is anyones guess but the good thing now is that I can take what I have learned and apply to my life so I can be happy.   I chose to stay in the relationship so I'm not that healthy either.   And she is no better or worse than me.  As a matter of fact I need to commend myself because I was one of the few people that she loved enough to hate.  I'm sure a few if not all can relate.

Interesting thread of discussion.

In my early phase of recovery, I did beat myself up for being so stupid as to let a BPD hijack my life.  After the passage of time, I realized that I was just simply deceived by her lies and mirroring. What I thought I had, and what I really had were two entirely different things.  This is not our fault as the BPD is solely responsible for this dilemma.  They just play us plain and simple.

Where I did fail was to not stand up for myself properly when the devaluation and abusive phase began.  I do know that standing up would have done nothing to make a positive impact on her or the relationship we had.

Anyway, my lessons learned were to never let anyone overrun my boundaries, the "white knight" is dead and buried, and no one will ever abuse me physically or verbally ever again as long as I live.  For that transition, I'll forever thank my exBPDgf for bringing me around to face those issues.