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Or at least that's what I'm going with for now. I called her. She was somewhat nice but in a sympathetic way... which is worse. I wasn't terrible, I guess. Just the same ole BS. She told me I was right about some things. Her drinking, pill taking. Said she was working out and stopped drinking again. I know alcoholism so I know this can't possibly last. I've seen her try 100 times.  The heat is on her again. Her family. The working out thing was odd. She never did that before.

She's desperately trying to find someone. It's just a matter of time.

Clearly this set me back. I've been on here preaching NC and look at me. I miss her so bad sometimes. I hate her other times.

I know I'll live and this won't kill me but will i ever experience joy like that again. Yes there was a lot of pain and it was unpredictable. But it was good sometimes too. There hasn't been much joy since she left.

Buddy, don't be too hard on yourself - it is not easy to go through this time. Just notice how you felt after contacting her and how you would have felt if you didn't. For me, each time I can stop me and my ex interacting, the better. Don't forget to see how well you have done all the times you didn't call her or contact her. Don't let one time take away from how strong you have been. It is not easy. You are not alone. Keep hanging in there.  :)

Thanks dream,

Just as a lesson, I was snooping. Curiosity killed this cat. Up until then I had strung about a month together of NC and several months before that. I did indeed feel better. It also opens up pandoras box. There is the obsession to make more contact to get my point(s) across. I have emailed since then. She knows how to play me though. But she can't play me if I'm NC

Buddy - just know how great you have done with all the days you have had NC. You are strong. I've just begun in this and can only hope to do as well as you have... . for me it's more about guilt than anything. I haven't responded to any voice mails or texts for almost 3 solid days now. He has sent about 15 texts, calls every day, etc. I'm afraid completely blocking his number will anger him and send him in a rage over to my home (I have kids here and that scares me). If he continues to text a lot, I may have to do that though and take my chances.

That's what I had to realize, was that no matter how long, loud, or in what frequency I tried to make my point, there was nothing.  No admission of wrong doing, no empathy, no honesty or vulnerability... . just blank stares.

So, my P told me that it is very narcissistic to even try or attempt to change someone into what I want them to be, so with that I hope she can see one day on her own.  But it's probably not going to happen.

Stay strong, buddy. And if you are seriously trying to detach, quit calling her.  For your own sake.  Ignorance is bliss... .

Hi Buddy -

D@mn that moon !

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know what it's like.  This is an addiction.  I read somewhere that leaving a BPD r/s is like quitting heroin.  So try to be kind, loving and gentle with yourself as you face these struggles.

What helped me was just taking one day at a time, and even though I had been in Al-anon for 15 years, I never really knew what that meant until the ex left me.  And my sister - who had never been to Al-anon - was the one that explained it to me.  I had to break it down even further, some days I had to literally do one thing at a time, one step at a time.  I'm making coffee, okay now I'm going to take a shower, etc.  Breaking it down like that into smaller pieces helped me not freak out as much.  Going completely NC for an indefinite period of time may seem overwhelming; but I could do it while I was making coffee, I could do it while I was taking my shower, etc. etc.

The other thing that helped was knowing that I would not get my needs met by contacting him, like Arn said; I would just be giving the ex another opportunity to hurt me all over again.

You will experience joy again and it will be much, much better because it won't come with such a huge price tag.

Hang in there!

Ceide

Buddy, your struggle is something that is in my mind too.

you write you felt better, why? what kind of information or behaviour from her made you feel better?

Foolishly in the shadows of the night... . I stepped into my own snare.