BPDFamily.com

Hi All!  

My birthday was Valentine's Day, last Friday.

My UBPDmom called and left a message wishing me a happy birthday and sheepishly told me  to call her 'if I got a chance.'

This is the first I've heard from here in 2 weeks, after we had a long distance phone fight and she -as usual- hung up on me.

Our relationship is not good and I'm tired.

A little background: We have had 2 and 3 year gaps where she has not spoken to me... . long periods of time-according to her it's always my fault -for some reason or other. It's been like this since I was a kid, this blame thing. Sigh. Yawn.

Sometimes the relationship feels 'real' but most of the time I keep my distance... . she's very unpredictable and I can never forsee what her mood will be when I call.  She's 'there for me' sometimes... . but she can withdraw her affection or stop calling, or blame me for our lack of relationship at the drop of a hat.  I don't think she's stable mentally.

All this has been addressed in therapy over years.

I go thru spurts where we have LC and I start believing she's capable of being a 'normal mom'... . but I'm always safer not talking to her; hurts less when she inevitably withdraws. It's gotten worse as she's gotten older.

So I backed off a few weeks ago.  We had a discussion and it turned ugly... . I've never cussed my mom but I did that day out of anger; she told me reason for not calling for months was that 'her battery died' -(she just moved in with my brother and his wife!)and she knows I'm OK cuz she gets reports after I talk to her 85 year old mom-who has dementia. So I got mad and told her she acts like she doesn't effing give an S.

I stopped calling; stopped reaching out.  Threw my hands up and gave up. Again.

It did provide some relief; this course of action is a much safer option for me. It's different for everybody, I guess.  But I'm just doin' what works for me.

Til my birthday, ... . you know she called and left that message, sounding like 'good mom' (bait) and for the first time I didn't talk to her on my birthday. I still haven't called her back I just wanted to enjoy my day, the whole day, with no drama... . I didn't want to think about her, or have a weird discussion about our relationship... . or wonder why she didn't call me for 3 months last year-for no apparent  reason, or why she recently moved across country and didnt tell me until afterward, after asking me to travel across country to help her move.  I just wanted to not care about any of that.

So I didn't.

Well, I did send her a text saying I got her message and to have a Happy Valentine's Day. But I didn't say anything about I'll call you later or talk to you later or any of that.  I didn't feel like making a promise I could potentially not keep.

I feel so bad for my mom. She's a mess.  She's the only woman I know who seems to have absolutely no idea of why her relationship with her own daughter is normally non-existent. I've given up hope, the only way I have constant consistent peace in my life is if I don't talk to her. Cuz once I do I start hoping again... . and when she inevitably disappoints it's too painful.

The further I draw from my FOO I see a direct correlation between improved qualtity of all my other relationships, particualry intimate ones.

The birthday was good. But this part of it was hard.

Thanks for 'listening.'  :)

Happy belated birthday HopeEternal!

It's understandable that you'd have empathy for your mother but not want to be close to her at the same time. It sounds like you really need some space and I think just about everyone here has felt that way at one time or another. That isn't always easy, as you know. 


What changes are you seeing within yourself? How has learning about your mother changed how you look at your other relationships?

Sometimes it is exhausting, but you're definitely not alone. I'm glad to hear that you had a good birthday--we all deserve to find moments of peace and happiness.