BPDFamily.com

I read this in another thread, and it really is so true.  why is this?

i am planning to send my BPDbf a package (late v-day) but he doesn't know yet... . i had already planned to send him a text as i am leaving the post office, letting him know a package is coming... so he is not too surprised.  though i do fear he will be too surprised by even that.  any suggestions or feedback?

I learned this early on. Avoid surprises when you can. I tell my uBPDw what my schedule and plans are for tomorrow. And sometimes further out. Sometimes, I may remind a second time, if appropriate. Sometimes it backfires but 90% of the time it really helps to avoid upsets. It's also good manners to communicate like this with your partner. Theo

A big yes from my side for this too. I underestimated this completely in my marriage. Surprises, changes, all this needs preparation. Early announcing and even twice or more can help.

Boy, is this true!  And Surnia hit it on the head even more closely when she said 'surprises AND changes, all this needs preparation.'  I have found that when traveling and experiencing what could be a perfectly enjoyable vacation, the pwBPD better know exactly what to expect.  An 'all-inclusive' where no decisions are necessary, or a place where you just 'kick back', and perhaps have been many times before, work best for us.  Of course these principles are true in many areas of life, but vacation memories jumped out at me because I have had both fantastic and awful ones.  Avoiding surprises and changes often means sticking with the tried and true.

So true! Surprises and changes... . my husband is completely thrown off if he does not know every detail in advance, and should anything just come up, which could be a lot of fun, because he did not know about it, he trashes it.

I agree 100%.  No surprise is a good surprise. 

Anything "unplanned" throws them for an emotional loop, especially equipment that does not work properly.  It is the end of the world.  AND, of course, it is OUR fault.

I think this may be part of their obsession with "control".  PwBPD sure know how to ruin someone else's fun by trying to do something nice for them without their permission. 

Do not ever throw a pwBPD a surprise party... . never!

Hope 26 described our  situation exactly. If we're going on vacation a tried and true guided group tour with few if any decisions will be the most successful . We have friends who go to Europe, rent a car and do some of the trip extemporaneously. Ha! That would absolutely not work for us. I have actually considered driving the route before we have to go somewhere to avoid getting lost when we go together. Any bump in the road can set off a dysregulated tantrum. "You did that on purpose. You knew it would upset me,,#{^*!  One December 31 in an outdoor shopping mall a pedestrian walked out in front of me unexpectedly. When I hit the brakes they gabbed a little. The jolt triggered her. " why did you do that. You didn't have to do that. You jerked my neck. You always do that. You... . " This was before bpdfamily and I eventually lost it and the New Years celebration complete with concert tickets was ruined. Today I would be more patient and use validation to defuse that situation. " I understand why ur upset. Stopping the car so suddenly was shocking and hurt ur neck. It doesn't feel good. Also it took u totally by surprise. No way to anticipate it. Followed by patience to give he time to unwind. Theo

I found this to be true as well. My wife is constantly telling me to plan something or take control of what activities we should do on a particular day. When I do set up a surprise, she gets really upset and then guilty for at least not appreciating what I tried to do. When I do telling her my ideas or what activities we can do, I get accused of not considering what she wants (even when it is activities that I know she loves to do). I have been successful in maybe 3% of the time.