BPDFamily.com

Hi, I have never had a relationship that caused me this much acute pain.  It's getting better but I would like to know how my expwBPD got into my head so quickly and broke down "the fortress built around my heart".  I have been crying for 3 days.  No woman has done that to me.

I think I understand what you're getting at. I let down all my defences with mine - at the time, I was all caught up in the chemistry of the r/s. It felt so 'right' at the time. PwBPD have a superpower for getting under your skin, I think. They mirror, give us what we most want. It's tough to let go of that dream, isn't it?

One thing that's been helpful to me is to reframe it like this: I don't miss HER as much as I miss the memories of how she was in a particular moment (in the past). If I'm honest with myself, I realise that I wouldn't want her back now (in this moment right now), I just feel nostalgia for the lost moments, the dream of what I thought it was.

Hang in there, Irishmarmot. You've got this!.

I know exactly what you mean and where you are.

I met my now ex on a dating site, she lived not to far away, she had the bling (looks) and the body to match, within a week she was madly in love with me, stayed over for 3 days and nights, two weeks in she lent me £1000 for a deposit on a motorbike, bought herself all the gear for motorcycling and i just let my guard right down, then after about 2 months in wham the nastiness started, the put downs, the sarcasm, the withdrawal, Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with an ex of hers and i didn't know what had hit me i found myself trying harder and harder to make her happy but of course this isn't possible and i became ill, eventually i had to finish the relationship but i still miss the dream of what could have been.

I am now 4 months into counseling and i still don't feel very well at times and i do know this episode has changed me i no longer feel anything for anyone, i just feel cold inside.

irishmarmot,

I'm sorry you are hurting. I remember that pain very well, and it's very understandable.  These relationships touch core wounds that we have been "protecting" all our lives.  We let our guards down because we think we have finally been understood, or accepted, or loved like we always wanted and needed.

Then reality hits, and we are forced to feel those wounds all over again.  For me, I was in a vulnerable place when I met pwBPD, and I didn't even know how much I "needed" to be understood and wanted.

You said you had a fortress around your heart, could you tell us why? Was that when you first met her, or after the breakup?

Tears are good, irishmarmot.  They are the symptoms of freedom coming your way... .

Hugs

They broke them down, and we let them in.

We were open and got hurt. Now to be open and heal.

Tears and time, being true to ourselves.

I had a 4 year relationship with it turns out another pwBPD about 10 years ago.  I would date but never opened up with other women.  Then I met her and she got through my defenses probably because she mirrored what she thought I wanted in a woman.  Of course she got it right and then came the devaluation and discard.  So guess I'm grieving a ghost.  That woman didn't exist.

Yes irish... . that's what I've come up with too.

I was in love with someone who did not exist. He represented what I wanted so badly. Love, connection, a partner in life. Someone I could trust to be there for me.

I did not get that. I got someone who needed so much, I gave and gave... and he took.

I kept thinking things would calm down, get better. It never did. There was always some sort of drama, mainly of his own making.

He was not really my husband. It was just a dream. It's time to grieve the dream and let it go.

L

I can relate, plenty of drama and break ups once a week and at the 2-3 x week.  She had a replacement.   That explains the increasing hatred.  I was a replacement also.  I will be feeling better soon and hopefully not get enmeshed again.   The sadness is just part of the process glad to know it is normal.   What was not healthy was the relationship and I am out of that for good.  She has a RO on me so there will be no recycle.  She is too ashamed of herself to ever want to talk to me again.

Ty Kai, that's exactly howvI need to look at her.  I know her better and the illusion she gave me was her, but the other side with the lies and cheating was also her.  There is no real sustainable relationship for someone with low functioning BPD.   Don't get me wrong not being with her and dealing with loneliness is far far better than being with her.  All the anxiety was just too much.  Just don't like the grieving process.

Irishmarmot,

There's no one on God's green earth that "likes" grieving but it's an essential part of healing and evolution. Otherwise we're doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again allowing people like our ex's to wreck havoc in our lives. Tissues, tears, and time are your tickets to true liberation and freedom. Otherwise you'll continue to be a slave to the pain that self-absorbed, narcissistic people can cause.

They get through our representative because they are natural boundary busters and they speak to the damaged parts of our selves that we try to cover, mask and bury from the world. It is a myth that they only mirror our inner good. They also mirror our inner ugly. That part of us that feels shame, flawed,  lonely, abandoned, rejected, unspoken for, unprotected... . they mirror that too. This is why they initially feel like our soul mates. We feel like we are finally understood.

Until we're willing to shine a flashlight on the not so healthy parts of us that attracted these mental cases we will live this cycle of pain in a loop.

Spell