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It's been 2 weeks since I ended things with uBPD bf and it's been constant daily texts. Phone calls - sometimes with a voice mail, emails etc. The texts are soo long. One day he wrote one of the the most evil texts I've ever seen - like "you should check yourself into the mental floor, you need serious psychological help, you are a sheep in wolf's clothing, you take and take and take from one victim to the next like it's supposed to be that way, you are scum of the earth, you are a cheat, lier, you are a joke of all jokes, you would be living in a homeless shelter if it wasn't for your ex-husband, any time there is evil lurking outside your door or you get bad news from the dr. remember you reap what you sow, go "eff" yourself, you lie to everyone while you take, take, take, all you have to offer a man is s*x, sick b*tch, etc" and that's just a small part of the hatred. Then he turns around and sends me texts like -"I love you always, for always, I can't live without you. I'll do anything to make this work. can't we be friends?" etc. I do not want contact. Had a weak moment a few days ago and did respond to a text saying - do not contact me, good bye. He won't stop though... . I could block him on my phone, although last time I've done that it seems the block only worked some of the time. I couldn't figure that out. I don't know how to block email. I'm not on facebook anymore - just feels better that way. I'm afraid to block him altogether and have him show up at my house in a rage though. He did that before and I called 911. I have kids here. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. At times he pulls on my heart strings, but it is cruel what he has said to me. It makes it easier to go NC. Getting these book long texts is really taking a toll on me. I wonder if he'll ever just go away... . his text today said he wants to convince me to give us another try. I want to scream - NO! I'm not changing my mind EVER! ugh. thanks for listening everyone!

Holu crap that is bananas! Its like if u think im a piece of trash why are yoi so strung out on me. Amazes me they actually think we woild want them back aftee that kind of cruelty. I think bc they are well aware.of.their.hook game. I.crumble when my bp ex talks to me like that you sound strong

Hi DoP:  It's very hard and scary.  A person with the Disorder who is out of control can be very difficult

Can you share a bit more?  You mention kids.  Are they both of yours?  Are you living together?  :)o you feel safe?  

How bad does the the contact get?  What else is occurring?

Establishing boundaries is very difficult.  As a general rule, if you are going to have any interaction, depersonalize it with as little drama as possible.  Short yes/no answers. No accusations.  No expectations.  No emotions.  Just impartial information sharing if you feel appropriate.

The number one rule is be safe.  For you and your children.  If you're in the states, there are usually community resources that can help you decide.

Also keep a copy of the texts and emails in case you need to document them with the authorities.

Stay on the board and keep sharing and learning.'

Thanks for the support Tausk and Hurt.

To answer your questions Tausk, they are my children from my marriage that ended 4 years ago. I dated this man for 8 months. He claims to love my kids too, but it's a need to have us be his "family" and it is sick. He came over the day I sent the "it's over" email. He was pounding on my door. I ended up calling 911 because the last time he was here he grabbed me and pulled me across the room by my neck. I couldn't emotionally see him after that. He left before the police got here. The police in my city know to keep an eye on my place for now and I have seen them around. Kind of a sad moment for me... .

Other that that, he has texted me mile long texts daily, calls every couple days. I never answer. I don't respond to texts or emails. except for 2 texts. I sent the "do not contact me again" text a few days ago. His goal is to see me and get closure and or talk it out and try again as friends, etc. He is also very threatening towards my ex-boyfriend who I dated before him. He had delusions that I was cheating on him all along with my ex. which never happened. I'm certain he is stalking this man's place probably daily. I feel ashamed about this and afraid for him and his kids too. In a recent text he wrote his full name out 7 times in just one text. The jealousy, etc. Makes me feel sick.

Today his text was really long asking to please talk to him, please see him, please try again. Part of me wants to forward to him his nastiest texts to me ever and follow them up with - After what has been said by you in these texts let me be clear that I am not changing my mind and do not contact me again. Just trying to think straight here... .

Thanks for being there.

Oh and he never lived with me. We do not have each other's things and I sometimes feel safe, but usually pretty anxious. I feel like he could be looking in my windows at any time. It is definitely affecting me.

Thats intense how long did,u,put,up with that? When did,the honeymoon phase end?

My question to you is: Do you want out, or do you want revenge, an apology, continued insanity and chaos?

Because forwarding his texts back to him and expecting anything other than the Disorder is a fantasy.  It will just lead to more Chaos. And remember, it's not just about you.  You have children to protect, yours and your previous exes.  How does further interaction with your mentally-ill Disordered ex help all the involved children be safe and grow well?


Perhaps seek a woman's domestic violence advocate.   Show them the texts, the police reports... . and ask them what to do.  What have the police recommended?  If you feel that your exwBPD may be a danger to your previous ex's children, you have a responsibility to notify him and the police. 

And remember you were the one who involved the children into the Disorder.  It's your responsibility to respond to any threats you perceive.  No excuses when your or the children of others are involved.

Sitting on the sideline may not work.  This is a professional problem that perhaps needs counsel from professionals.

I know, I've done it.  Engaging your ex with any emotion or ulterior motive will only cause more destruction and harm. The Disorder requires participants.  The Disorder always wins.  Winning for the Disorder is destruction.  The only way not to lose is not to participate.

Keep sharing and learning.  Determine what you need to do be safe.  Take steps to disengage.  Consider counsel for outside professionals.

I'm sure others here can provide suggestions as well.

Keep at it,

T

Dreamofpeace, when a healthy person values themselves they don't allow themselves to be treated with anything other than simple respect. I know sometimes we lose sight of this fact. Everyone has the right to live in peace and not have to dream of it. Abuse does horrible things to our minds. The unacceptable becomes normal and somehow things that defy reason persist. We check out of reality and the result can be intense discomfort. It has only been a short while for you. Two weeks. Sticking to no contact for a while will be helpful for you to sort your self out. You know your situation better than anybody that you will meet here. You are the only one that can be responsible for your safety. There are many resources available for you to protect yourself. Whatever you do, just be aware that you are not responsible for anyone's feelings and behavior other than your own. I hope it gets better soon for you.

Thanks Perfidy! It is always good to hear over and over again the whole we are not responsible for others' feelings, etc. I really appreciate all that you had to say.

Tausk, I am not responding to him. I was saying what I would like to do, because I was venting here. I have not and am not planning to engage with him in any way. My ex-boyfriend knows about the situation. I want out. I do not want an apology or more chaos. I want him to leave me alone. I am very aware that what he says is about him. I do not take it too personally. I am grateful for some great tools I have that help me know to stay in my own business at this point. Thanks for looking out for the kids though. I have spoken to the DV national hotline, along with my community one and the police. Unfortunately, they are only so helpful so far. I am prepared to get a restraining order if I need to. My biggest question was if I'm safer not blocking his number and just not responding to texts or calls - or if I should take the chance of blocking him altogether. I didn't know if others had went through that. I would like to block him. I would like to never hear from him again. At the same time, I don't want to make him angry and then show up here because he can't write his book long texts anymore. Do you have thoughts on one or the other for that? Thanks again for your support!

Hey DoP. It sounds like you're doing what you need to do.  Good for you.  Taking back my life was so rewarding.  

For me, blocking didn't work well.  When I first started to detach I blocked email, FB and texts.  It sparked abandonment issues in my ex that turned to rage and other desperate behaviors.  The question is also, whether you can handle the texts and rants.  If you can depersonalize them, then they are just words.  They can also give you a sense of his mental state (for that moment).  

And you can store them as well as evidence.  Keep in mind that the RO may be a necessary tool.  Has your ex been violent in the past?  :)oes he have a police record?  Are there AODA issues?  These are the questions you have to ask yourself in the evaluation.  

In the end,  No Contact was best for me when I couldn't stop being recycled and then couldn't stop obsessing about the connection.  But in the end, I blocked and went NC to stop me, not to stop her.

But if you are truly detached, generally the strategy is to calmly defuse the situation.  :)on't let yourself be an object for your ex to mirror or project.  And remember even in deep emotional rejection, you become even more attractive to him.  It doesn't make sense, but it's a Disorder.  Or think about a three year old boy, who you push away.  The boy is going to push himself back to you.  If you try and lock a three year old out the room that you are in, and he's alone, he's going to pound the door to get in.   But if he's in the room and absolutely nothing is triggering him, after a while, if all goes as planned, he'll become bored and move to the next object.

But that option, that is only if you feel safe both for your kids, and with respect to you actions about recycling or responding.   If you respond in an emotional vindictive, or angry  manner, then you've just fed the disorder and it will take four times as long for your ex to move on.  

Suggestions. Yes/No unemotional interactions when absolutely necessary.  No face to face interaction unless absolutely necessary.  And if necessary, never do it alone, but still remain dead pan calm.  As a model, use the same personal involvement as dealing with a homeless man asking for change.  In fact, next time you see some homeless men on the street panhandling, ask them a basic question and  look into their eyes... . You might see your ex.  I know I saw mine in a street walking prostitute.

So, there are not clear answers to your question, and much has to do with your frame of mind and your evaluation of your exes behaviors.

And remember, if you feel in danger, go back to the police and document.

Thank-you Tausk for all of that helpful feedback. It was really what I needed to hear. I get anxiety when I wake up to a text from him, but I can handle it and not respond if that seems like the best way to keep him from going into more rage at times. I recycled over and over with him in the past, out of guilt and honestly sheer exhaustion. I can not do that now... . the first time he laid his hands on me in a violent manner - I knew I was done. It triggered something from my past that makes me feel unable to ever see him again. He does have some background with restraining orders I have found out. He broke a restraining order once. I don't know what AODA is though... . He knows I called the police when he came to my house, so I think he has stayed away because of knowing that... not sure. I dread the day I see him though. It's sad, tough stuff, it really is... . Probably better to keep the phone line open too, so if I do see his car somewhere I am I can text him and tell him to leave or I'm calling the police. That would again eliminate me having to speak to him and hopefully stay far away from him.

For the most part I don't think he would do anything to hurt anyone, it's just in those rages that I don't trust what he would do out of desperation. I deactivated FB - he knew about that, told him I needed a break from it. Although I have a way to see his public profile. I can leave the lines of email and phone open and just not respond. I think it gives him a needed outlet if he needs it, and I can continue not responding. I think there have been 15 messages in the last few days that I didn't reply to. The last one this morning - this has been a long stretch. Grateful for that. Thanks again for all of that helpful info. and for sharing your experience too.

No, call the police. Don't text him.  Think about the little boy.  No interaction unless absolutely necessary.  You texting him first for any reason will only make things worse.  :)o you want to detach? or are looking for an excuse to engage with him and to try and manipulate and control the Disorder?  If that's what you want, then disregard everything I've said.  

It's a disorder.  He's had an RO before.  There's no reason to believe that you won't need one.   And he's proven himself to be violent.  You can't participate in the Disorder unless you're ready to accept the consequences which has escalated to violence already.  What's next?


It's the actions from emotions out of desperation, which count.  Why don't you think you need a RO.  Have you spoken with your previous ex?  What does he think?  :)oes he know that he's being stalked?  He should know that fact.


I'm not sure if I helped or hurt here.  Please continue to ask for suggestions.  I almost feel that you wanted an excuse to stay connected and not file and RO.  

And AODA, alchohol and other Drug addiction.  :)oes he get violently drunk?  :)oes he do any hard drugs?  :)oes he have a police record? Has he ever been in prison?

Keep posting and asking others for suggestions.  I might have given you the wrong information.

T, thanks for the clarification about AODA - and no he doesn't have those addictions (at least not that I'm aware of) he could socially drink, but usually we didn't drink, but that could have been him following my lead.

Good advice about calling the police and not texting him.

I haven't been rushing to get a RO, because I read in "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker (a book that I felt was helpful) that RO's can be good in some situations and not in others. I felt that I would create the paper trail and be ready, but in this situation it could again, send him into a rage. If he shows up at my house or somewhere I am, I will call the police and then pursue the RO. I have a police friend in my town watching my house most nights of the week and so far hasn't seen anything, and with snow and car tracks, that can abe helpful. The police dept as a whole knows to watch around my home. I have an alarm system too. I can keep it set even while I move around in my home. As I said earlier, I do not want contact with him ever again, but most importantly I want to keep the people I love as safe as I can, which means doing my part in not sending him into a rage. My ex boyfriend doesn't seem as concerned. I think he wants to be that man to keep people safe. I've explained that this man is sick and dangerous.

Please also be clear, that I do appreciate your advice. I wouldn't say so if I didn't. I'm also very clear that I don't want to stay connected to him in any way. I just don't want to set him off either, if that makes sense. Example - like blocking on the phone could set him off, so could a RO. I will not hesitate to get a RO if and when I think it's necessary. Thanks for helping me clarify what resonates with me and working some of this through... . I feel stronger to be prepared for what I may need to do.

Hi DoP.

Thanks for the reply.  I'm not saying that a RO is the correct action or not.  Only you know for sure.  I just want to emphasize that to detach we need to depersonalize and detach.  Deep down.   It sounds like you are ready.

Does your previous boyfriend know that he is being stalked?  And you didn't answer if your ex has a police record or violent criminal history.

But it sound like you've contacted the police and have been examining the issue. I just want to make sure that you get a variety of suggestions.  It's too much pressure for me to say anything that might be adopted when I'm not a professional. 

Good luck, keep on the board. You're not alone and you have resources to help you.

T

I'm not certain that he is stalking my ex-bf, because it's in another town. I will check with my police tomorrow if they can have police in that town look for his car in that area. My intuition is sure that he's driven by there many times looking for my car.

He has a police record - breaking that restraining order. Knowing what I know now, that doesn't surprise me.

I will definitely be around here, always looking for advice and needing support.

Thanks again.

Dream of Peace,

What your ex-BPD bf is doing is called an extinction burst. It's the desperation they feel from being abandoned and rejected causing them to go technically "ape ___" in terms of boundary busting. Our exs are well practiced at acting out in extremes to get what they want normally because most times these tactics work. Not responding is your best offense.

What drives this behavior is CONTROL.

Many times we mistake their contact in being about us ( missing

US, needing US, desiring to change for US) but it's really about their desire to win at all costs and winning for them means being boss of the steering wheel and recapturing the power they once had over us. Molding others to do their bidding is what they do. Even if that means fear tactics, manipulation, guilt, the silent treatment, physical threats, attacks... . they are willing to take things far if necessary especially when they've gotten away with being physically abusive.  This is how an abusive disordered mind works. It's their narcissism and that entitlement to your life that drives them.

Sounds like you have a firm boundary on what you will not allow and I applaud you for that. My ex BPD bf stalked, harassed and texted until I obtained a restraining order to prove that I meant business.

This brings me to a crucial point I wanted to add to the wonderful advice you've already received. Do not play nice with your ex. They don't care about being nice to you or others unless it's in their best interest. You give and inch and they'll take 90 yards. It us all about them. Period.

Spell

BPDspell - thanks for your response. "Extinction burst" - sounds about right... . how did things go for you once you got the restraining order? Did it help? Did it make you feel better?

Today has been the first day I haven't heard from him and it was peaceful - although I know better than to think it's the last... . although I can hope.

Thanks again for your comments.

dreamofpeace, your story was an exact replay of my ending with my ex BPD.

I bought a tract phone and gave him that number. He could call and rage and text nasty messages on it all day long, but I wouldn't answer or read them. It seemed to have served a purpose and I didn't have to deal with the crazy anymore.

Letmeout - thanks for sharing that! I did think about getting another phone and giving that number to the people I need to have constant contact with... . and leaving the other phone at home so he thinks I still have my number, but I don't have to deal with the craziness when it happens. If I gave him a different number, he would still use my original one too, I think. How long did it go on for you? Did he finally stop? I've had 48 hours of quiet now. It's been feeling good. Although I notice his FB says "in a relationship" again w/ the date of our relationship starting. He had put "single" up for a couple of days... . oh well. Hoping we are making some progress.  And I go on FB through a different acct. mine is deactivated, just cause it feels better that way for now.

I live in NYC so was able to obtain a restraining order based on the fact that my ex physically assaulted me a month before our official breakup. And even though he begged and emptily apologized on his hands and knees I could never trust him again and no longer cared about waiting on him hand and foot. I had never resented or hated anyone in my life as much as I hated him at that time. He saw the ax dropping and began to look for new supply because after the physical assault things were never the same. He even blamed me for causing him to hit me. I will tell you that Borderline Males are no joke to be played around with. They lie, cheat, are abusive and toxic feel entitled and they all secretly hate women on a vitriolic level.

So one day I simply decided to stop calling him. I was exhausted and drained within an inch of my life and in my opinion he lost his right to closure once he put his hands on me. So screw an amicable break up.  I saved my life by walking away and when his calls and texts turned into threats I got a restraining order as I kept the texts and voicemails as proof of his harassment. There were days of eery silence but he also showed up at my door unannounced and that's when he was arrested.

Untangling from a borderline can get quite messy especially if they aren't hitched to new supply. They will berate, barrage, harass and bate you until you are feeling guilty and obligated. They are emotionally unstable, off their rocker, and when you're done with them you have to mean business by shutting the window air tight. Leave a crack and they'll find a way to slither into your life.

We don't "owe" them anything.

Texting them back and firth only shows them that you're still interested and that your still game for being hooked. So yes. The restraining order made me feel safer. Otherwise my ex would have taken the harassment up another notch. In my case I needed the protection. I don't have my father in my life, I have no brothers or Uncles that can come to my rescue so calling the authorities was my best option.

In my case I certainly think that a murder-suicide scenario was possible cause my ex was sadistically obsessed and narcissistically entitled. He wanted me back but he couldn't even be nice about it. Those are the types that will kill you simply because they don't want anyone else to have you. In your case do what your intuition tells you. I had to share my story so that you can get some insight my abusively toxic situation.

Stop engaging. On all levels.

Spell

Time for a restraining order... . Show the harassing texts and get one.  They will serve it to him and he will either leave you alone or go to jail.  They are effective.  I had to use one.  My ex went into a rage when I blocked her about "closure" after I broke up with her after an accusation about me staring at her mother's chest... . Yes... . disgusting.  She freaked out and came over to my house with intent to do bodily harm to me... . long story.  I should have did the order then, but I STILL took her back and it took me 7 more months of torture and another attempt on my life to get me to stop trying to make things work with us.

Borderlines are predictable in their wild behavior to avoid abandonment, but some of them are seriously dangerous... . don't forget that.  Some more than others... . Mine was definitely a bad case.  :)on't take chances.

Bpdspell... . I agree with your observations completely.  The last night I ever saw her I had decided before I ever arrived home (where she was hiding with knives and had just vandalized my car)... . that I was through engaging her.  I had already called the cops on her to avoid engaging her in fact, and they told her to leave.  She just sat there and yelled at me and the police... . drunk... . at 3 am until they took her to jail.  I hadn't yet noticed the damage to my car... . they gave her every attempt to leave.  She was on the ground screaming at me that all of this was my fault... . and cussing me.  The last words I said to her we're... . "M, you brought this on yourself... . "   I sure as hell didn't tell her to come over there to kill me... . Blaming others till the death.  That's her style.

The following Monday I got the order.  Have not talked or heard from her since... . that was 2 years ago June.  Without it?  She would have continued to harass me and assassinate what little of my character remained.  Even worse... . found a way to reel me back in.  I loved her so much, so even after that was that possible?  Maybe so... . but I wouldn't be here telling you guys this now... . cause I'd be dead by now by either her hands or a stroke had I not escaped her grasp.

Thank-you spell and shell shocked for sharing your stories. Every story I hear helps me gain more clarity.


Spell - I'm so glad that getting the restraining order helped you feel safe. It sounds so familiar... . I'm happy to hear you made it through all of that.

Shellshocked - sorry you had to go through all of that violence too. Sounds like the restraining order helped a lot.

I haven't heard from him now for 3 whole days. I know it's not the last... . still not sure what to do. If I get a restraining order now, I don't want to stir up anything. He has stopped raging... . possibly he's exhausted?

I have felt soo much better these last couple of days not hearing from him. It is amazing. I've never been more grateful for my freedom and to not make myself (I know I did this to me) obligated to meet his every need where I was drained to the point of almost not being able to physically move. Now I just keep asking myself - why? why was I ok with this and that and things he did... . mostly I'm finding that deep down I was too scared and exhausted to do anything else at that point. So happy that I did now though. I am learning many great lessons here. Thanks again for responding.

Hi Dream of Peace:

I'm so glad to see you still posting.  There are many people on this board who understand what you're going through.  And your posts sound more grounded than even a few days ago.  I'm very happy for you.

Clarity from the FOG takes time, but I learned that it's possible, and then I was able to make and execute decisions that help me take care of myself.  Keep at it.  Keep posting and keep us all up to date on what is going on with your situation as you recover.

T

Thanks T... .

Deep down I've wanted to be free from him for a long time. When we first met and early on I saw red flags, he was supposed to be moving all the way across the country for a job that was filling a dream of his. He drove all the way there, stayed a day and decided that he had to come back to see what would happen with me. I was sitting out on my patio enjoying some sun and he walked up in my yard... . I was in shock. I had no idea he was doing that... . so part of me fell into a hole that day. Scared, guilty, etc. I thought well I guess I could see what may happen... . and it went from there. I truly didn't have the courage to say "no" at the time. Anyway, I think because we had many break-ups before (in the 8-9 months time) this time I'm feeling better way more quickly. I am so grateful for that... . I am back to me and giving myself my time, energy, and all of me that I was trying to make "enough" for him.

I also want to make sure that I don't get too comfortable because my intuition tells me that I will see or hear from him again. I will not respond, but I also need to be prepared in my fear of the moment to dial 911 without hesitation. Being here will help me keep all of this in mind.

Thanks for cheering me on.