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It has been three months since I broke up with my BPDgf, but it has certainly felt like a year. It has been quite a process for the fog to lift and for me to face the realities of our relationship. I am completely responsible for allowing this person to work their self so deeply in my life. I am terrible at setting and enforcing boundaries. A healthy relationship can be built on guilt, obligation, and put-downs.

Right now, I struggle to see how i could possibly come back from this. Will I ever be interested in dating again? I feel considerably damaged by my whole experience.

Hi drxap,

Three months isn't really all that long. It took me that long to finally notice that I was doing better. I'm at about nine months and things will get better. It is hard to notice day by day but look at where you are now compared to last month or right after the b/u and you will notice a difference.

I hope you are in NC and stay there. All the energy and effort you used to put forth to make your ex happy you can now focus on yourself. So do stuff that makes you HAPPY! Gym, music, sports, travel, whatever! You are going to find yourself with days that just drag you down but the peaks and valleys and duration of these becomes less and less over time.

Hang in there.

Trick

I never told family and friends about how bad things were or even acknowledged anything negative about my exBPDgf other than that we broke up. Is this super unhealthy? Can I work through this on my own, or am I prolonging the pain by hiding it from people in my life? How would I even tell people after all this time?

I never really told my family or friends about what went on behind the scenes. They were supportive and could clearly see I was devastated, but I didn't want to keep going on about it.

I think a lot of it was the reaction I might get. "Why the hell did you stay, with her all that time?" Didn't want to deal with coming from my family and friends, but it is a question a continually ask myself.

For most of us nons there is something we need to figure out for ourselves that allowed us to put up with the constant drama, raging, and irrationality that the BPD puts us through. It takes some deep introspection about our role in the r/s to figure it out.

As for me, I thought about going to a therapist but ultimately didn't. I think it would have done wonders to help speed up the healing process. I think the majority of friends and family don't understand the fallout of being in a r/s with a BPD and it takes a third party therapist to truly help you come to terms.

Trick

drxap, i know what you are going through. it has been 3 months since the breakup with my exBPDgf as well and it has felt like a year she has been pushing me away and distancing herself. I too am responsible for letting this get too far. And there are issue i have that had me staying even though it was really bad. But don't beat yourself up for this. Many of the problems were brought upon themselves. It was their issues that they could not handle. And it shows more about the person they are then yourself.

I can say that i am not recovered yet. It has only been 3 months but me and people around me have noticed a difference.i have been getting better slowly while my ex has been getting worse. Like she is regressing.

But don't worry you will get through this. It seems most people take 2 years to fully recover so you and me have a long ways to go. But at least you are no longer in an unhealthy relationship with someone who treated you bad.

My family doesn't understand how a breakup with a BPD is a lot worse than regular breakups. The only family that understands is my brother who has seen it first hand. But i know he is tired of hearing the BS.

Hey Doc:  What Pinoypride wrote above pretty much sums up what I have to say.   It will get better. Stay on the board.  Share, vent, learn ... . survive.  It doesn't necessarily get easier, but it gets better, if we do the work.  There a path of recovery that has already been trail blazed.  We just need to walk it.  I'm two years out, but only learned about BPD about a year ago and it's made all the difference in the world.  You're in the right place.

Not many on the outside understand but we on the board do.