BPDFamily.com

My uBPDw seems more aware than the average BPDer here.  Last night I successfully didn't engage.  I probably didn't validate as well as I should have (baby steps... . ) but all in all not a horrible night.

So this morning she apologized, says she hates when she gets like that.  I've heard that lots of time but then she asks why does she feel this way... .

Before finding out about BPD I'd get angry and tell her "because you make things up and don't listen... . ".  I'm trying to move toward "our feelings are our own, it's how we choose to act on them that matters", but of course when feelings trump facts she never gets past if she feels that way there must be something in reality that 'makes' her feel that way.

So how do you answer "Why do I feel this way"?

Personally, my go-to answer for questions or statements like "Why do I feel this way?" is "Hmmm... . I don't know."  If I've got some energy to listen I might say "Hmmm... . I don't know.  Do you have any idea why?"

And that's it.  If my dBPDw wants to talk about it , I listen.  If the conversation gets uncomfortable for me, I detach and go find something to do.

I understand the anger at being asked a question such as this - I used to get angry as well.  "How should I know why you or anybody feels the way they do?" is what I used to say.  I don't know and I won't investigate other people's feelings for them.  All I can do (sometimes) is listen.

Have a great day!

It's a way of not taking responsibility for your feelings.

"I don't feel like having sex with you tonight - how come?"

In 99% of the cases your feelings are for you to act upon. Passing them on to others is inappropriate.

Why not set a boundary? Let your SO know that the question is not useful.

Well maybe it's time to suggest she goes and finds out why exactly why she feels that way and suggest councelling or even better; testing, hopefully with someone experienced with BPD.

In my case I waited until a huge breakdown and problems then slipped in some online tests with the conversation that she agreed to in almost every category. When she realized it MAY be the issue, "but she was really mild" she finally went in for testing after two cancellations. I fast tracked the appointments (which was amazingly fortunate here) and left her to decide if she's attend or not. She did and it was the beginning of a long but mostly successful path for both of us. Knowing is everything.

I'm intrigued... . What online testing and how do you get past "But you just think it's all my fault"?

It's nothing but her understanding that she disregulates, she doesn't like it, and she is taking a baby step into trying to understand herself.

I wouldn't tell her it's because she has BPD. If she hasn't been diagnosed already, then you can't actually tell her she has it.

If you wanted to help her examine herself on it, I would say something like... "can you think of similar events in the past where you felt this way, can you look back further and think of the first time you felt this way?"

And then maybe she will be able to answer that or think on it and realize that something is not "right".

I would not be lacking in optimism if she was beginning to question herself and her feelings. We all go through that sort of process and often come out on the other side with more understanding about ourselves and with the will to make effort to be more than we were.

Good direction, stick to it. Maybe make this "our" to "my" sometimes and clearly own it. This is going to be a longer learning exercise involving

  a) forwarding some information using SET at times

  b) validating and accepting her emotions, raising her awareness

  c) validating her emotions, partly using dual point of view "you are feeling this --- the way I feel is this"

  d) boundaries which can result when introduced a strongly raised awareness of self and other

  e) boundaries i.e. not explaining and justifying your feelings

There is no quick fix - what is needed is much deeper than a one off cognitive insight.

So they realize that something is different, but they refuse to take any steps toward helping themselves. I find my SO passive aggressive. Knows that thinking isn't always right, but when asked to get counseling avoids following through.  Then when told of boundaries and unacceptable behavior, makes it all about them and uses the "you think it's all my fault... . "

My SO doesn't really take responsibility for their "feelings/behavior." I do get the admittance that they said the wrong things, but no major steps are taken to fix. I am the one told I am not understanding, listening, etc

Sorry I've been away.

"I'm intrigued... . What online testing and how do you get past "But you just think it's all my fault"?

I was so very clear in always letting her know that nothing in any realtionship is any one person's fault, and it seldom is. Our reactions and misunderstandings are so often real causes of problems.

There was little doubt in my wife's mind (after spending a couple of days in jail and getting charged for DV, not by me though but someone else) that she certain had lost full control of her life. I was as understanding in the crisis as someone could be considering it was also an affair. I spend a lot of time after she came around a bit from the total denial and craziness validating and moving closer to her. This site was a wonderful help in doing that.

It can only be done in a sympathetic way and approached in the same way with her. That's she needs somehow to help herself. I asked her if I could ask her some questions, I first did a minor test from the net and then a far more concise and complicated test. I asked her to be honest and open up, be truthful with her answers. It was just the right setting and moment, but it took a long time to develop that perfect setting. The perfect state of empathy and trust for her to open up. When she had done and I explained what the testing was she was reluctant but partially receptive. Sometimes they say you have to hit rock bottom to start to climb back out and I think both of us probably had. Perfect timing, knowing now what her illness was and learning to deal with that in a way that helped her was everything.

I love the person while I hated the illness and apart from turning a new leaf with forgivenss learning to seperate the two from eachother... Fact is she doesn't have the ability to turn that leaf - I do I'm the strong one without the illness.

I certainly don't have anydifferent story than anyone else here and a turbulent terrible ten years until I finally understood. I comes down to making a decision one way or the other and going with everything you have and every conviction you have once you've made the decision to stayl

None of it's easy, but I can tell you this if it helps - It's ten time harder for her emotionally to achieve any change than it is for me - if it's possible for her to achieve that on her own at all.

There are lots of test online with all types of complexities, you know your spouse, try and find ones tailored that won't affend her in anyway and then ask qquestions, no opinions just be a good listener when she answers. Look for the person you loved in there and be sympathetetic and validating. Hope if you try it, it works well for you. It's the start of a year of a whole new life for my wife and I that I never drempth possible at this stage.

Sorry the answer took so long in coming.