BPDFamily.com

Hypothetically,

Would being poly-amorous help or hurt a BPD relationship?

As I understand poly-amory to mean, "Two primary partners love each other but have decided to consentually have sex with others.  Cheating is still cheating (IE the most important thing is still honesty)"

I could see how it would ignite fears over loss of control.  I could see how it could also be difficult for the pwBPD to resist the urge to cheat/lie given that sleeping with others would be considered normal.

I could also see how it might alleviate some of the pressure to be sexually monogamous.

Anyone with any experience?  Or some real insight?

I know, I know, people are going to come on and bash and say, "all pwBPD are polyamorous"

I'm honestly curious though.

It is quite common for pwBPD to feel this way as they have the ability to compartmentalize their feelings about different people. However, it is a difficult act to juggle and they can blow up when things don't go in their favour. That is they don't do their partner compartmentalizing the same way, as that is abandonment and loss of control.

So in short it appeals to a pwBPD but in practice they can maintain it as they dont do shades of grey.

pwBPD can use poly amorous relationships as a way of demonstrating they cant be controlled, but it goes against their own desire to be "in control"

I know/have known a number of poly people and have dabbled a bit by experimenting with opening up two relationships (for a short period of time, before continuing them as monogamous).

Polyamory can involve having casual sex with others as and when people want to having more than one romantic/committed relationship. There are lots of variations.

It works for some people, but can also be a very painful disaster that blows up in everyone's face.  As you have suggested, cheating is possible in poly relationships and it definitely does happen.  It requires more emotional energy and brings in all sorts of different pressures and issues.  It may well work for some BPD people, but I think it would be terrible for others.  It depends on the individual, I think.

There is a book called "The Ethical Slut" which I would recommend you read if you're considering this.  Poly relationships, in my observation never work out where they are used to try fix problems or where people in them are doing it through low self-esteem or feel like they should be able to cope with it.

My BPDex was polyamorous, and it seems to be the perfect "legal" excuse for triangulation.

I dont know if it works for him, it may allivate some pressure from the primary r/s, but then the pressure is put on the secondary r/s. In my opinion he was just juggling with placing/handling/spreading his abbandonment fears into two r/s instead of one.

So at first it may look  like a "solution" but when the attachment is formed it becomes twice as much abbandonment fear for the BPDperson, and twice as much relationship energy to control and manipulate.

I had experience with it.

I have a boundry over it.  When it happens,  he doesn't get to be part of my life.

So I walk away. It appears not to be happening atm. If it starts again, I have a boundry. We are done, permanently, because living my life that way is really destructive to me and I already lost 4 good years to cheating and when you get real about it and drop the bullcrap spin doctoring, that is all it is: CHEATING.

THIS. I've been in healthy and productive polyamorous relationships. It can happen, but it's complicated and requires all parties to be in touch and vocal about their boundaries and needs.

If your pwBPD was capable of that you probably wouldn't be here.

Far more likely you'll find yourself pitted against others. I'm not involved romantically with my pwBPD and he still does this to me all the time. Even if I don't respond to his attempts to use his relationship with his NPDgf to control me, he still uses his relationship with me to try to control her. Which is a terrible feeling.

This is just about the reaction I was expecting.

I even predicted most of these answers as I wrote the question, but I love to be wrong =) LOL

Thank you for reminding me