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I found this board to get help in my relationship with my sister.  I always wondered how her personality developed the way it did, but in a recent dealing with my Mom, I've had some "ah ha" moments.  I certainly don't mean that to say that I blame my Mom fully, but it's given me some insights.  We live out of state, and my parents who travel with their friends, haven't been to our home to visit since 2012.  Recently, my Mom told me that she and her friends were taking a trip, and en route, wanted to come see us.  My Mom is all about impressions, and things looking perfect.  We were raised that way, and my Mom was very critical, especially with regard to physical appearance.  Being beautiful means everything to her.  Pretty people get more attention/love from her, this seemed true of the students she taught, and how she treated my sister.  I can't forget that at about 10 years old, my Mom began touching my nose, describing it's imperfections, and telling me that she would pay for plastic surgery to fix it.  She brought this up again as I grew up.  I couldn't quite look at myself in the mirror the same way after that.  I thought I looked ok, but I would always look at myself and realize I must not be quite right... . I needed surgery after all.   Anyway, I declined the visit due to the pressure, and told her we would be out of town.  She became upset, asking if they could come see our house... . even if we weren't here.  Basically, they wanted to show it off to their friends.  I hadn't yet shared with my Mom my feelings about her emphasis/pressure about image/appearance, so I emailed her (sounds corny, but it's the easiest way to get my feelings/words straight in such an emotional convo.)  She responded with a brief email (1-2 sentences), told me she was sorry, and blamed it on her bad childhood.  She said she wanted to talk more, but was tired.   Since that, nothing.  I guess I feel like if I had hurt someone, and they shared that with me, I'd be making every attempt I could to address it... . or at least try.  She has never called since.  (This was about 3 weeks ago, and we would typically talk about once a week).  I thought maybe she thought I was angry, so I sent her a cute pic of our kids to break the ice, but still nothing. Am I expecting too much?  I thought at least a call or more detailed email might be coming.  I poured my heart out, in a non-blaming way.  "I know you'd never say these things now... . I know you didn't realize the impact... . I value our relationship, etc.  I'm hurt and angry at her lack of response, especially since she claimed she wanted to talk more, but was tired. But, maybe that's what she's really made of.  I'm reading Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, and it has been very helpful.  Should I call her?  I hate feeling this tension, but it feels like she should want to call me.   I don't want to be the victim of her crappy childhood.

Hi, bookgirl,

My mother said some similar things to what you describe. She does not really understand boundaries or that I have a separate identity, so she felt my appearance was her responsibility well into my adulthood, making frequent comments about how she felt I should improve it. She also would make plans for my property and expect me to be ok about it.

In regards to your current situation, where you shared your feelings about your mother's past behavior and would like to reach a resolution with her about it, you ask a good question:


I don't think it is unreasonable to want to resolve conflict or to communicate boundaries. Those things are important for all relationships. It may be unreasonable to expect other people to read our minds and comply with expectations that we have not communicated. To me, it sounds like you may have two such expectations: 1) that your mother should have called you by now, and 2) she should respond to what you shared exactly as you would respond to someone else. To me it seems possible that she may be unaware of the first. The second may be unrealistic, as people have different thoughts, feelings, and personalities. Perhaps it would be more reasonable to expect her to behave the way she would behave rather than the way you would.

Has your mother ever given you the silent treatment before?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thanks for the valuable feedback.  Yes, she has been insecure about herself as far back as I can remember, and she told my sister and I several years ago that she felt that if we were: pretty, thin, successful, etc, then she could basically define herself by the successes of her children.  I told her that was too much pressure, and she agreed, but I think it's been hard for her to grow beyond that.  I guess I hadn't thought about thinking she should read my mind. When she told me via email she felt badly and wanted to talk more, but was tired then... . that she would follow thru with that.  I told her about the plastic surgery comments and she said, "I hated my nose my whole life, so I thought I was going to save you from the same pain. " Ugh.  You suggested she would respond how she would typically behave, not how I would expect her to behave.  She typically would follow thru so I guess I hoped for that.  I'm certainly not expecting/hoping for groveling, but just a sincere attempt to talk about it.  I kinda poured my heart out there, which I haven't done before.  She did share recently that as she's gotten older, she has realized she doesn't like being "wrong".  And, although I don't see her as "wrong", I don't think she has considered how her childhood, might have truly impacted our upbringing. The silver lining of this is that it has caused me to see my sister in a new light.  I have felt so challenged by my sister and yes, quite angry.  But, now I really see how all of this created many of her insecurities/Axis II issues, and I feel sad for what she has lost.  As a grown woman, she calls my Mom several times a day to seek her approval prior to making any decisions.   My Mom hasn't done the silent treatment before, but if I or my sister bring up a concern, (which isn't often) she sometimes goes into "Oh, poor me."  or "I guess I was a terrible Mom with all I did for you."  Not responding is a new one.  I need to stop feeling angry before I try to call her.

If you want to see if she will finish discussing the issue with you, you might have to bring it up. It sounds like she may be feeling badly about the subject and is avoiding/ignoring it. It is good that you are able to center yourself so you can talk to her calmly.  |iiii It is also good you are making sense of your upbringing and finding some compassion for your sister.