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I don't know that I have seen this topic before and wondered if others were experiencing this issue. My uBPDW of 31 years has very low esteem and struggles with thinking she is good enough most of the time. She will rarely let me see without all of her clothes. I work very hard to reassure and encourage her. In the next breath she will berate me with comments such as "I am the classiest woman you have ever been with" or run other females down saying "I am so much better than her". This really seems to be conflicted messages. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Also if you successfully approached it, how did you get there? I think she uses this to her advantage to drain me emotionally. I have to be extremely careful how I approach the "other female" comments. If I agree I am defending them or taking their side. If I remain neutral I am asked if I am attracted to them. This is a lose, lose, lose situation.

I had a likely NPD ex that was a little like this.  Most of the time she would talk about being better than everyone else, but in moments of vulnerability would talk about how she is a failure.

My current BPD girlfriend is the opposite.  Most of the time she talks about how she is a failure, hates herself, and hates the way she looks. But, if we are watching TV or are out and see someone who she perceives if more attractive or more active, she will make negative comments.  "She's so ugly.  I hate her."  I don't ever see her truly vain or claiming to be better than other people, but she will try to cut others down.

I would say my BPDw doesn't have a realistic self-image. When she's down she thinks she's worse looking than she is, and when she's in a good mood she tend to overrate her looks totally.

This actually is a bit of self-fullfilling prophecy for the people with this problem, because when you're a bit on the "up" side emotionally you attract people of the opposite sex regardless of your looks just by being outgoing and nice.

when my uBPDw is down she has tons of self-image issues, even though she has a body women would kill for and is occasionally mistaken to be our daughter's sister... .

When she's good there isn't anything she doesn't think she should do, she watches an NHL game and if she isn't saying how she would have played, then she says how much better the team would be with her as coach.  She said she's missed her calling as a sniper, even though she's never shot a gun.  Watch Top Chef and she says she could be on it (I don't think her tater-tot casserole would get her into the finals... . )

"A man's got to know his limitations... . ".  I guess Dirty Harry wasn't BPD

My BPD always is complaining on looks, but is also fast to put down others.

Now on the rare chance we are getting along to go out, she will get dressed and if she percieves she does not look good in something even if she does or she feelts *fat* even if she isnt, she will spin out of control and a full blown assault over the evening starts up.  Inevitably it leads back to how I did not do something right.

That being said, she complains about EVERYONE and insists how much better she is and how lucky I am.  I find the safest route is just to compliment her on a truth such as how good she does look.  No guarantees she will not reject it though

Thanks for the replies. I believe it is self image and the way her opinion at the time affects her personal perception. After 31 years I am still taken back when it bounces so quickly. One moment she is feeling good about herself and consequently putting everyone else down. Then in a split second she is unworthy and putting herself down for what she has on, that she hasn't lost weight, etc. There is no good way to handle these swings that I have found. I do know that ignoring the bounce will lead to a rage. The rage will involve digging up the entire past and how I have not been supportive and on and on and on... .  

sums it up completely.  never ending cycle.  The hard part is it will get better and you think "o maybe we have finally turned a corner and there will be improvement long term", but no... doesnt happen

Hi hurthusband

Wow, conceited, what a juicy topic!

Mine splits between being the most conceited person you could ever meet, to putting himself down. Mostly its the former, and when he is at his most conceited, he is the nastiest person to be around.

I have grown weary of being expected to soak up all his crap, its so draining to experience it, and it always leads to more provocations if I let him get away with it anyway.

I just walk away every time, or refuse to be around him, avoiding him like the plague if I can help it. Whatever I try to do to save us has never worked anyway. All the rules on this board, and being the saint and the right person make no difference, no matter how consistent you are.

I know this for a fact, since I have been putting them in place now for 4 years.

BP just tramples over my boundaries, to the point of no return now. I am over trying.

Heartbroken, yes, immensely so, hurt beyond belief, and also feel for him too, but I cant live my life on edge every day for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, or something else upsetting him, which seems to give him justification to destroy our relationship in a single shot.

I have to let him go, even if it kills me either way.