BPDFamily.com

My daughter has the whole host of BPD problems, broken relationships, drug problems, eating issues, etc.  She has now found out she is pregnant by her soon to be ex-husband.  He is absolutely demanding an abortion. She wants to keep the baby. I do not believe in abortion, but ask myself what sort of terrible life will this child have with an unstable, volitile mother?  We are too old to raise a child, and don't want to, either.  But is it wrong not to step in and offer our help?  If my daughter moves in with us, our life is over.  She is accusatory and whenever she visits turns our peaceful home upside down.  We are sick with worry about what effect the abortion will have on her, sending her into more of a downward spiral.  But how on earth can she ever raise a child on her own?  My fears are so deep, and there is no good answer.  My husband and I have lived a good, happy and productive life.  How on earth are we in this crazy situation?  Are we bad parents for not offering to help her with this baby?

This is a really difficult situation. Whatever your view of abortion I think you and your husband need to be really clear from the outset what help you can and cannot offer, then your daughter will make her own decision.

It is going to be difficult for her whatever the outcome and also for you. I do feel for you in this situation, your daughter will make a decision which you can't control and then you can only offer the level of support you can manage. However if a baby arrives and she has difficulty coping I suspect you will find yourself doing more than you intended. Depending where in the world you live encourage her to make the most of whatever support services are available. 

Thank you I appreciate your kind words very much.

It's not wrong for you to not want to raise the baby.  It's not wrong for you to refuse to allow your daughter to live with you and wreck your lives with her BPD behavior. 

You're in a terrible situation and my heart goes out to you.  Like you, I think abortion is wrong.  As scared as I would be of a child being subjected to a BPD mother, I couldn't support killing the baby now to save him or her from being raised by your daughter.  If I were in your position, I would do the only thing I could do, and that is to pray about it. 

What a tough pace to be in and one I have not yet had to encounter.

I think the best is for you and your h is to establish your boundaries (helping, living arrangements etc) for what you need for you.  Those other decisions are out of your control as painful as that is.

Do you think adoption would be an option for your daughter?  You're right, you and your husband are in a different phase of life.  Your daughter is not in a state to be taking on a baby.  The baby would have a very rough time.

Perhaps, though, there's a loving family out there somewhere looking to adopt.  Your daughter could move forward knowing she did the best thing for the baby, and for herself.  And it doesn't mean she wouldn't have a relationship with the baby.  I have a very dear friend from college, a girl that had a baby in high school and gave it up for adoption.  We are FB friends now and a few years ago said friend informed me that baby girl had grown up and tracked down her birth mother and they had established a relationship.  The girl grew up with a loving family, and had been well cared for and nurtured.

Just a thought.

I can relate... my BPD i love more than anything, but she has destroyed the human i once was.  I am just a shell of a human.  We found out she was pregnant about 9 months ago.  At a time when she was talking about leaving me, and she was being physically abusive to me as well as the usual emotional abuse.  Our debt was rising fast cause of her schooling and projects she took on.  She asked me what to do.  I said maybe its not the right time, but I support her decision.

She had the abortion.  Since that time, the hatred she has for life and herself over it is something I have never seen before.  It is a nightmare.  It is worse than any BPD problems before.

It scares me to hear that because I think the abortion did something to my BPD wife psychologically, and she is now scarred in a way that is irrepairable.  At same time, if the child was born, with two people who want to die because their lives are too miserable, what then?

I would look at adoption situation.  I am so sorry to hear you going through this.  The thought of the whole thing makes me cry and to think somebody else going through the situation you are too... its horrible...

If you took a group of  borderline women and 1/4 of them had no pregnancy, 1/4 had abortions, 1/4 had adoptions and 1/4 gave birth and kept the child, they'd all be equally miserable... . because they have a serious mental illness, not because of pregnancy outcome (or no pregnancy). None of these outcomes has any effect, good or bad, on disease process.


You must also remember that BPD has a major genetic component, so the child may also develop BPD. So the choices are: terminate the pregnancy, which will change nothing for your BPD DD; have the child and adopt it out, which may negatively impact both the child and their adoptive parents (again no effect on BPD's illness); have and keep the child, which will negatively impact you and the child (your DD will remain just as borderline). The likelihood of any positive outcome is minuscule. The best way to minimize harm is terminate the pregnancy. That is the pragmatic view.

My BPD DD has said several times that she thinks it is some form of abuse to knowingly give birth to a child who may develop BPD, the disease is so excruciatingly painful, difficult to treat, and causes so much collateral damage. I may have made a different choice myself, but I have enormous respect for her point of view. I am terribly sorry this situation has happened in your life, it is a nightmarish choice :'(.

vivgood

Although this is inevitably going to have an impact on you I would be very wary of giving your DD any definitive advice or you will surely be blamed for ever. It MUST be her decision in the end.

I would direct her towards unbiased counselling and assure her of your emotional support whatever she decides but set clear boundaries about what you can do practically She may try to push you for an opinion so that she can avoid taking responsibility for the decision herself.

Using SET communication with her might help.

I agree about not giving her advice, but if you don't, then you could be blamed for THAT.

You say her ex is pressuring her.  Does that mean that she doesn't want the abortion?  If she is talked into it, she may see that forever as coercion, which is a terrible thing to do to someone. 

I understand that having the child may make life difficult for everyone.  However, I have never heard anyone, grandparents or parents, say they regretted having a baby once they got to know that child.  I only have heard regrets and sadness about termination.  You can look at a non-political support site about women coping after their abortions, to see the kind of emotions they deal with:  passboards.org.

Maybe you can tell her you will support her decision, whatever it is, and ask her how she feels.  Some people have no problem with having an abortion.   But I feel like those who don't want one and are talked into it, feel guilty forever. 

Is the ex a bad guy, and will he be dangerous to the baby?  Will your daughter? 

I think encouraging adoption may be a good way to go.  She can do a wonderful thing for the baby and for a couple.  Of course, whatever decision she makes, it will have long implications. 

I can see why you wouldn't want to go through raising the child again or commit to anything like that, but I think you do have some obligations.  No one may agree with me here, but I don't think anyone is ever totally off the hook as a parent, even if you're 70.

I knowingly adopted my daughter knowing her birth mom had major problems with drugs and mental illness. I adopted her knowing that our baby was high risk for a multitude of problems. In fact, my d. was eventually diagnosed with BPD. However, there are many couples, including ourselves that would make this same decision again and again. My daughter and any other baby regardless of potential illnesses or disability is a gift to many. Just my two cents... .

there is no such thing as Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS= passboards.) Individually, emotional responses to scheduled abortion are all over the spectrum.


If you want actual unbiased information about abortion, you have to look outside the US. The Royal Colleges of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists and of General Practitioners in the United Kingdom did a major study on scheduled abortion and psychological sequelae.  The study followed more than 13,000 women in England and Wales over an 11-year period.  It considered two groups (this is key): women facing an unintended pregnancy who had an abortion and women facing an unintended pregnancy who gave birth. The authors concluded that those women who had an abortion following an unintended pregnancy were not at any higher risk of subsequent mental health problems than were women whose unintended pregnancy was carried to term. This is the largest, most comprehensive study to date, and most importantly, it is the most scientifically rigorous.

As parents to a BPD, you will be blamed for any number of things that have nothing to do with you. This is one of them. Do what you believe is right, be the best version of yourself you can be, however that looks. That is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your daughter.

And there are plenty of parents and grandparents who wish wholeheartedly that their BPD had made other reproductive decisions (including my parents, who adore all of their granchildren). Implying that this poster or any other will regret some decision if they make a choice you personally would not, smacks strongly of emotional blackmail. Its a hard enough situation; don't go there!


vivgood

Well said, I would not even give an opinion.  If you do she will use it against you

Thanks everyone.  My daughter had the appointment to abort today, and cancelled.  She is keeping the baby, which she wants very much, now anyway.  It's her estranged husband who has demanded termination, and why wouldn't he, with the hell she has put him through.

We have told her this is a decision she must make, and that we will support whatever she does.  This makes her angry and she thinks that we are somehow pushing for abortion, and asks how we can live with ourselves by killing a baby.  She doesn't seem to understand we are innocent here, had nothing to do with creating this situation, and now somehow are being held responsible.  So typical.

The facts are that no matter what, we will end up having to raise this child.  I have broached the subject of adoption, which my daughter will not consider.  Every day I pray for strength and guidance, but I don't know if my prayers are being heard.  It is very comforting to find this board, as all of you, like no one else, can understand the pain and frustration of dealing with a child like ours.

Warm thanks to all of you.

"there is no such thing as Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS= passboards.)"

Some would tell you there's no such thing as BPD.  Let's not invalidate something that people are on that board feel they are coping with.  Yes, responses are all over the spectrum.  Some people terminate and have no problem with it.  A person who is on the fence and feels pressured is going to live with blame and guilt. 

If she wants the baby, and she feels any kind of pressure to terminate, and she does that, how do you think she will feel for the rest of her life when she mourns on the due date, when she thinks about whether it was a boy or girl, etc?   I'm politically liberal and support choice and still know how people have felt even when they weren't on the fence like she is. 

Your prayers are being heard - you are hearing your daughter tell you what's in her heart.  Do you think the baby is better off not being born, than being born and having some struggles? 

Several people are encouraging you not to give her advice.  That's fine, but you should offer support.  Struggling with a child all your life is better than struggling with the could-have-beens that may plague you, and seeminly will plague her.

We all have opinions, some strong, and I am just stating mine.  I can tell you from experience of those close to me that if she wants the child, she may always be angry at anyone who stopped her from bringing that baby into this world and allowing him or her a shot at life. 

Up to this point, you two have felt like good people who have never hurt anyone.  It's probably part of your identity.  You pray.  Therefore, you have a moral core.  How will this change you if you allow her to be pressured into something pretty extreme she doesn't want to do - preventing a life?

Sorry if to some I am playing devil's advocate.  But I think you deserve to consider all the emotional consequences to you and to her. 

As for adoption, maybe she will consider it as she is further along.  I just strongly urge you to consider the emotional consequences for the rest of all of your lives if she feels that she was forced to stop an innocent life.  Again, I have never heard a parent or grandparent say they regretted bringing a baby into this world, particularly if they canceled an abortion appointment.  I have heard many stories of people regretting an abortion, especially if coerced.

I know things are different in different parts of the world but if she has decided to keep the baby do as much research as you can on what practical support is available to her from government and voluntary agences. If it helps my DD had made numerous suicide attempts, had an eating disorder for which she had in-patient treatment and was harming herself by cutting. After having her first child she made considerable improvement. She still has difficulty with personal relationships and has currently cut off contact with me but she did take positive steps forward and tried very hard.

PS in advising you to be wary of telling her what to do I certainly didn't mean that you should withdraw your support, anyone would need parental support in your DDs current situation

Momtara, your post brought me to tears.  I think you are right and there is so much wisdom in what you've said.  

lever, your words are encouraging also.  

Thanks again to everyone for their comments.  I hope I can be as helpful someday to someone who needs it as you have been.

You are in such a difficult place.  But I just want to add that you are not consigning a child to a terrible life if it gets born in this situation. I would just advise you to be vigilant about making sure the child is safe from emotional and physical abuse , and if it is not , contact Child Protection Services. That takes you out of the equation. I am a foster caregiver, and see many situations. While it is certainly not the outcome we want for our children, I have seen many situations where a child is removed from an unsafe situation, and ends up being adopted , often by a relative, and the birth family still has access. This can still be an option down the road if your daughter is not able to parent effectively.

Pizza I was in the same situation not too many months ago the only difference was dd19 wasnt talking abortion but adoption. She went back and forth with this line  of thinking right up until having dd, and for a short time after, and I was always very careful not to give any advice on what i thought she should do.

Anyway she kept the baby and gd truly is a blessing to all of us .

She has brought so much so much more stability to dds life and on the whole dd is a very caring, attetentive, mother.Secretly we all had our doubts that dd would be able to cope and  it is something I never thought i would ever see but dd has proved many of us wrong.


so what am I trying to say is that sometimes things like this actually work out.

They usually do work out.  If your daughter wanted to terminate, it would be one thing.  I just think that she is (at least sometimes) feeling love in her heart for this child, despite the pressure from her ex, which can be enormous.  It takes a lot of strength to feel love for a child if someone is pressuring you, while you are feeling pregnancy symptoms as it is.  If she wants that child, then she may always feel bad and always hold responsible anyone who didn't support her.  Of course, she has BPD, she may do that anyway.  But I don't think she'll ever say "You made me have this child!  I hate you"  She may, however, say "You k---- my baby."  I know what I'd rather have on my conscience... .

The support can't be half hearted.  You don't have to give her a decision, but be clear that you really mean you'll support her.

I can imagine how scared you are right now. When our 17 year old daughter got pregnant this summer we also told her it was her decision on what to do. But everytime she said that she was going to keep it I would remind her how hard it was going to be. I think she has so much guilt about having the abortion. I have guilt about letting it happen. I will always have to wonder if keeping the baby would have made her try harder to get better. She is such a mess right now that I can't imagine a baby in the picture as well. I'll never know... . I did tell her the morning of and right before we walked in the building that she didn't have to do this. She said she had to. She makes irrational decisions and blames others for the trouble she gets in. Maybe having this baby will give your daughter the courage to make a better life. That is what I hope for all involved. Is she on meds that could be harmful to the fetus? Or other drugs? That was another reason that I was scared of our daughter continuing the pregnancy.

sadandscared, your daughter sounds exactly like mine.  She somehow always is able to lay her bad decisions on our door, regardless of the fact that we live far away from her and have nothing to do with any of the crazy situations she has found herself in.  I do feel, in response to your question, that she is not using any drugs now, because of the pregnancy.  As a good consequense of that, she seems much calmer and is more rational.  I wonder, though, if she has the baby, will she return to all of that?  She doesn't seem to feel that marijuana and cocaine are a problem, so with that viewpoint, why would she not go back to it?

We will see what this day brings... . she is home this weekend and just got up.  I pray for patience, and the wisdom to know what to say and when to say it to her.  It is a tough job, as you all know! :)

Thanks again to all of you, the support found here has helped me very much.

Let us know what happens.  Hang in there.

yea, i do not think there is a choice you can make that will work with your daughter.  so i guess you need to advice what you feel is best in your heart all around

Dear Pizzas

I tend to agree with j's friend... . I am optimist and I try to have hope in all situations. Allow yourself to see the other side in this situation... . this could be a very good thing for your dd and has a very good chance of making a positive impact on her and your whole family. I know you are worried and stressed but try not to be... . I think that is my biggest problem... . I worry too much and that worry impacts my dd16.

Dear Pizza, I've been thinking about you and your family. Hope your weekend with your daughter went good. I actually have some good news to report for the week! I haven't smelt weed or seen the weird drugged up behavior in her all week! She has been slightly depressed but able to keep it together. We haven't allowed her to drive a car for about 3 months now because we're so afraid of her driving while either high or drunk, or both. But last night I let her use the car to go swimming with a few friends. I feel like it went well. It's Friday and weekends are usually a disaster so wish me luck :).

speaking of drug abuse which I think alot of us have experienced with our BPD, did anyone see they approved Zohydro.  So now there is a narcotic out there 10x more powerful than vicodin that lasts 12 hours.  Only takes 2 to kill a full grown adult they say.  This is very scary. 

Thanks for all of your comments.  The weekend went pretty well, only one conflict, but not the horrible accusations and words that are usual.  I have tried to take the suggestions found here to calm the situation, and not enflame the situation, which I know I was guilty of before.  It is so hard not to argue with someone who is spewing unreasonable and untrue comments!  This site is so helpful in dealing with that.  But also I do believe my daughter is off the marijuana and cocaine because of the pregnancy, which has had a very positive effect on her personality.  She is back at her home now, so we haven't seen her since that weekend. 

I believe she will for sure keep this baby.  I just pray every day for the strength and wisdom to handle the situation for that day.  There will be no fairy tale ending, I'm afraid.  But we will do the best we can.  And jellibeans, you are right, I tend to worry about things that will happen in the future.  I am trying to take it day by day. 

Thank you all for your supportive comments, they are a godsend.   

Dear pizza

You sound like you have excepted the situation and are keep hold of your worry... . that is good and difficult at the same time. Your daughter needs support but I am glad she is living on her own and showing the responsiblity needed when pregnant. These are good signs and I have a feeling you are going to see you dd rise to the ocassion. Take it a day at a time and try to enjoy this time with your dd. There is a baby coming and although that is scary it is also a wonderful event.

Boy, has your story really struck a chord with us since yesterday. Same story, only our dd is 19, and her  16 year old boyfriend's family want the abortion, or give up for adoption. As you said, no easy answers. We are supporting her in keeping the baby, we refuse to let them move in with us, and refuse to raise the baby ourselves. Her decisions got her to where she is. As far as the child growing up in a difficult situation, none of us like our childhood, you can be the beacons in the child's life, and it's still better than the "what if" game. Good luck.

You are right.  We will be there for this little one no matter what.  My daughter's in-laws have made a similar resolve, although they live in a different state.  All my husband and I can do now is take it a day at a time, which I know you all do, as well, in your situations.  I wish so much life didn't have to be so hard, but it is what it is.  Thanks everyone, for your kindness and concern.

You should be happy with yourself.  You saved yourself a lifetime of regrets.  Once you get to know that baby, you won't believe you even considered an ab.

Thank you, momtara, and everyone.  You have no idea how your words have had a very calming effect on me, and I can't say thanks enough.  Thank good ness for all of you.

Now that she is keeping the baby my next worry is that it's healthy, given my daughters history.  And after that, I worry about the sort of mom a person with BPD can be.  But since DD is not now using drugs, I see a big change in her, so that is a positive.  I take the little tiny positives and cling to them every day. 

Babies are pretty hearty.  They withstand a lot.  Even if the baby has problems, your daughter is young so it probably will be a pretty healthy baby.  My friends adopted a baby from a pothead who took a lot of oxycontin and he's fine.  Not to say that that's great, but. 

You are pretty lucky.  You would have been blamed for pushing her into abortion forever, even if it wasn't her fault.  Make sure you support her now because she'll need it, esp if the father is against her!

I sure can understand what you're going through!

My 21 year old daughter is also pregnant.  She also has cystic fibrosis and her pulmonologist has warned her that this could possibly shorten her life, but she seems determined to have this baby.  (The average life expectancy for CF is 36.) It is likely she won't live long enough to see this child grow up, but that doesn't seem to sink in to her.

She is semi-broken up from the child's father. He is off in basic training for the army right now and she says they're not together, but they write and talk every other week.  She has a history of toying with boyfriends, while dating others.  So who knows what their true relationship is. He is a really nice guy and he truly loves her.  I just want to tell him to run and not look back. 

I tried to talk her into an abortion. She didn't know she was pregnant and drank alcohol.  She has also been on IV meds for a serious respiratory infection.  Her own health is also at risk, so I felt justified in making her feel comfortable about terminating the pregnancy. But we had one of the worst arguments we've ever had over it. She normally comes home from school every weekend, but I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. 

She told me today she is keeping the baby. She is in college part-time, living in the "ex" boyfriend's apartment while he's away, and has no job.  She tries to work, but is sick so often, she gets fired.

She doesn't know what she's going to do and has no plans. I'm heart broken and can't think of anything else.  She refuses to go into therapy; even her pulmonologist (who my daughter respects) has tried to refer her to one.

You are not alone.  I am crying right now writing this. I understand how you're feeling because I'm feeling the same way. 

Praying that God will give us strength and guidance.

Busyscmom,

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Our stories are very similar, although my daughter doesn't have the added health problem, which must really add to your worries.   My heart goes out to you.  I wish I could hug you.

Wow, it's amazing what life hands us, isn't it?  I said on another post that I didn't sign up for this life, I wanted an easier one!  :'(

I will remember you in my prayers.  Warm thoughts and hugs.

BusyScmom, that is a lot to deal with.  I'm so sorry.  Hang in there.  If she ends up having the baby, maybe that baby will have a good life after all.  I know you want to tell the dad to run, but you're all gonna need him (unless he's got mental health issues too!)