BPDFamily.com

I am thankful I have found this site I have learned so much in the month and a half I have been reading.

I am still having a very hard time accepting losing someone I love so much but I can't force her to love me back.

Reading all the personal stories on here has helped a lot.  What still shocks me is the similarities in the way these BPD people act.  From the early stages of making you feel like the most important person on earth to the "best sex ever" factor.  What I am trying to understand is how or why does it seem so text book for these BPD people.  You would think there is a training center where they attend classes and learn the steps in trapping us non BPD's.

So my question is ... . How is it that their actions in starting a relationship all the way to the ending of the relationship all seem to involve roughly the same steps and tactics?

I am trying to understand how they all seem to follow pretty much the same playbook.

Right? It's weird. It's better than true love but only for a short time. Serrrriiioouuss reality check. Weapons grade love. Feeds right in to all that has been lacking in our lives. I've been considering getting hooked on heroine to see if it's easier to kick.

Hi love2give, I hear your frustration. pwBPD are emotionally stuck at the age where their attachments wen wrong. Usually 3-5 years of age. If you've spent time around little children, you can see this. When my S4 was S3, he would often paint us black when we weren't validating his needs, "I love you son!" To which he would reply, "I don't love you!"

Half an hour later, he'd say the opposite. It confused his mom, but I knew what was going on and didn't take it personally. How much more confusing is it to hear basically the same thing telegraphed from a person with an adult intellect and body? Very!

So is it fair to say the person not replying to any of my texts no matter how positive they may be is acting like a 5 year old or that's not really related?

Or less than that age. The good thing (I guess), is that I have our children's behavior to compare to their mother's. It is related. When you are not meeting their needs, the paint you black and throw a tantrum. With children, its much shorter. With adults, it can be much longer, perhaps forever. Its maddening. When they find a new "parent" to validate them, we are discarded, same as when mommy says "no!" And then they come and ask daddy. Discard mommy because she invalidated them. Go to the other parent for validation.

Well I think the only way she will stop painting me black is the day she dates someone else and maybe then will realize just how much I did for her.

I had supper ready for her every single night, took her shopping anywhere anytime she wanted and pretty much put up with all her demands.

When I think back it becomes obvious everything was about her.  There was never any compromise like what I think a normal couple should have.  Simple things like what tv show to watch. If it was a show or movie she doesn't watch, we did not watch it. 

Maybe when the next guy stands up for himself and doesn't bend over backwards for her for everything she wants the way I did she will realize what she lost in me.  Let's just hope I will be over her by then so I don't take her back if she comes knocking.  As of today, I would take her back in a heart beat even though I know deep down it would be a HUGE mistake.

"I am trying to understand how they all seem to follow pretty much the same playbook."

And so do WE!

Love2give

I'm really sorry you are still confused. Bpd is not an issue or problem of individuals, BPD= 100% nuts. They all have psycho textbook behaviours and their BRAINS work exactly the same but their actions might be different due to different level of intelligence, culture,... . Most borderlines are extremely bright. You are not an individual character in her life, you are only an object!

Yes that's why we are called non borderlines now. We were involving with an illness not a person! That's why all our patterns of thinking as non borderlines are very similar. It's very sad.

Just as a child doesn't realize all parents do for them likely neither will your ex.

My ex has never Painted any of her exes white after she was finished with them.  In fact she cut off all contact with them and anyone involved in the relationship completely.

I have kids so it is easy for me to understand the explanation of a 3-5 year old emotional level.

When my kids were that age they would say they don't love me.  They only love daddy. 

Until of course daddy didn't do what they wanted and then they loved me again.  Not because they realized what all I did for them... . But rather what I could do for them right now.  It's all in the moment for them. The current validation is what they need and they will seek it from anyone they can get it from.

Very well explained.  Thank you

So, do you think we are like a parent to them?  That would explain why I was so often accused of being controlling.  Why he would be so upset by my opinions.  

I remember one Sunday fairly early on in the r/s, we were watching a film, it was 'Signs' with Mel Gibson. I found it a bit scary and when it was finished was exasperated by the ending which seemed to be saying that if you were a true believer in God, the aliens wouldn't be able to get you.  I said something cynical about it being ridiculous and typical of Mel Gibson (catholic) to bring it back to religion.  He went quiet, sulking and being hostile.  I was confused by this as I'd just been expressing an opinion.  He ended up yelling at me and demanding that I leave his house immediately!  I was in shock.  He's not even religious, just didn't like me having an opinion which didn't reflect how he was feeling at the time.

Janey

Doh!  I still don't get how this quotes thing works... .

Hi janey62, check this out:How to quote (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56733.0;)

Can you see how your cynicism might have been invalidating?

Everyone please explain the validation component. Also what does it mean to us and them when we are objects?

Yes, I can.  I was the ideal, up on a pedestal and no matter what I'd said, it was the fact that I was being critical.  He felt that the criticism could easily turn on him.  He hated me saying anything which wasn't pure and clean and nice... . and would take it personally. 

I also know that I have a tendency to invalidate.  My son hates me to say anything which is even slightly critical.  Even complaining (politely) in a restaurant was a no no for my son! 

I'm no angel 

Hi node4,

Try this.  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) and

BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the Non-partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0)

The trouble is that when he would attack me over something he perceived I'd done, sometimes over nothing I'd done, I would go into panic/fear mode.  My mother was an extreme case, very volatile, violent towards us and verbally cruel and aggressive, then there was the ever present threat of suicide (which she ultimately achieved). 

Even reading about the validation tools has me feeling confused.  When my partner turned I had a very physical response, adrenalin and bone melting panic and would usually take myself out of the situation.  But then would be overwhelmed with fear at not knowing what he was doing and I'd have to contact him and try to soothe him/rescue him, overcoming my fear at great expense to me.  Very dysfunctional. 

I think I'm way too damaged from my FOO and it's best that I'm out of the relationship and working on myself.

I did contemplate trying to work with him, using the tools suggested here, but I just couldn't and had to leave.  I felt a failure over this because he has the potential to get well, but I wasn't able to help and could see I was making him worse.   :'(

Janey

I can empathize with you here Janey62!  

Freedom of speech is a fundamental human right and it entails the right to offend. One may have an opinion that offends someone else... it's just an opinion at the end of the day!

I think that in a healthy relationship, both parties can discuss opposing views amicably without it turning into World War III.

Nolisan - I completely agree! Often the person who brought us to the board is not the first person we have dated that's toxic for us.

Pearl, there is no such thing as a "non". Given we dated a Borderline means we have our set of issues to overcome. Otherwise we would not have got involved to start with. We all find our reasons - this is where the healing begins not by dissecting our ex's

Yes clearmind of course there is not such a thing as non borderlines from clinican perspective and I'm aware of that. We were not talking about healing in this topic. Of course we had our own issues but by reminding it to us all the time doesn't help us to heal.

It may look like a playbook - a grand plan end to end. But from all what we know a pwBPD does not have a stable plan - it is more the opposite of it.

The way I think about it is small but distinct to a pwBPD preferences and actions can lead to a big picture that has distinct BPD characteristics. It seems amost like fractals (http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fractal). It is said that one can know the person by their small deeds - true of everyone.