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My dBPDh has been making me the enemy lately, but he can't keep it up while he is working with this NPD.  My bBPDh becomes so consumed with the evil of the NPD that he forgets he is also angry at me.  When he isn't round the NPD, he goes back to being angry at me (even though he is really the source of his own problem).  Is this true for most BPDs?

This is a very good Q. It has been my experience that a BPD-afflicted person (in my case my wife) could only bite into one neck at a time (vampire) and draw blood (energy) from one victim (non-BPD person) at a time, ... but then turn around and bite somebody else a day or two later. 

Sorry for the analogy but I really like analogies. 

Hi MissyM

can you tell us a bit more to what you are referring to saying "this NPD"?

The problem is neither the "evil NPD" nor it is you but the problem is between his ears. And for a while he uses one or the other to project his anger.

The real problem may not even be his issues with others but with himself - not knowing what drives his anger - maybe you do?

Surnia, it is an NPD at my husband's office  Trust me, I know several people that know this fellow and he is classic narcissist.  Very overbearing and the most important man in the room.

anOught - Yes, my dBPDh's problem is his own.  He feels unworthy, unloveable and less than everyone else.  This causes him to be extremely self-centered and think of himself as the victim most of the time.  If anything is asked of him, he is very resentful because he feels small and unable to handle things himself.  Professionally, he is able to put on a competent mask most of the time.  However, when he is working with others with big egos or narcissism (of which there are a lot in his field), this triggers him and he falls into distorted thinking and disregulation.  He is convincing himself, again, that if he had a different wife, job, lived somewhere else, etc. that his life would be happy.  Unfortunately, he comes from a very dysfunctional family that reinforces that attitude.  It is poor him, everyone else is his problem.  He isn't even responsible for his addictions, that is my fault too.  Since he is spending time with his family today, I will be the big evil witch later.  Once he goes back to work tomorrow, the other guy will be the problem.  When he goes back to therapy and 12 step, he starts to accept that he is his problem.  Unfortunately, he has not been consistent with that.

As well as needing an enemy (persecutor) in order to be the victim they need a rescuer, so often the rescuer can be the lessor of the enemies. You are the rescuer when he's dumping on a work colleague. His family are the rescuers when he dumps on you.

The real enemy is his chaos, but in order express this he needs to externalize it onto something/someone tangible. Making it a single target simplifies it. Though the target can be transferred

.

Yes, the treatment center said he lives in the victim. So it makes sense that to be the victim, he has to find a perceived persecutor.  I have worked really hard not to be the rescuer, and it has really pissed him off.  He is feeling victimized by my lack of rescuing.  We will see if the adjustment can be made for different roles, or not.