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After almost two months of NC, without any news, I googled her. Yes, I did in the two months check her FB, but it's so restricted (no photos, can't see friends or timeline), it didn't feel like breaking NC.

So upon googling her, I see that she made a myspace profile, using her real name (she had FB privacy paranoia, so using a fake name there).

It really set my mind spinning... Why is she making a myspace profile? Myspace is not that big in Europe. What's the purpose? Why does she need that? What is running around doing? Did it fail with my replacement? Should I call her?

":)ear GuiltHaunted

You shouldn't care what she is doing. Right now you should just focus on yourself and your healing. Stop googling her and under no circumstances call her!" 

Well, you don't need us now do you   

You already know there is no real way any of us know why she is setting up a new myspace profile.

So, what got into you that you googled her?  Were you lonely or bored maybe?

That's is a really good question. I had just gotten out of bed and had only a few hours before I had to go to work. So I was definitely not bored. If I was lonely I could have called someone.

I don't know what emotions that causes me to look... .

For me, it helped when I could see a "cause/effect" pattern.  Sometimes it was simply habit - not really thought out.  Mindfulness helped me create healthier patterns for myself.

I find that most times I want to talk to my ex out of habit as well.  Or snoop on her since I am nc.  Sometimes if I look close at myself it's because I want to see her fail.  I still have a lot of anger some days.  I journal every day and I take it one day at a time using my own self control not to snoop or contact her.

It's really hard sone days. But I find that if I can simply make myself wait 24 hours before doing so the need passes... . until the next time and I repeat the process.

For me I have found that has been hugely helpful to my healing.

Probably both is right... . Habit and wanting to see her fail. "I told you so, that it was a bad idea for you to break up with me".

Hell yeah.  Because seeing her fail because she left me is some sort of validation that I was not the problem. 

But indeed I was as well.  And seeking validation from her is not what I need any longer.  I need only validation from myself.

She is indeed BPD.  But I have my own issues that kept me in a toxic relationship for so long.  That is what I am trying to concentrate on.  That is quite simply the only thing I have the power to change.

This is a great trick, I forgot that I played this game with myself too - it really does work.