BPDFamily.com

 

Many years ago, I joined this forum to help me come to terms with the fact that I would most likely need to go no contact with my BPD mother.  With lots of input from others and discernement based on reading shared experiences here in the Nook, I was able to successfully set the NC boundary and explain my decision to my extended family.  Not all of the family have understood the decision, but they have respected the boundary.

However, part of the reason staying NC has been a possibility for the last 6 years is because I lived several states away from mother and family.  I recently moved back to the area, and this past weekend, was called upon to stay with my 95 year old grandmother to care for her while relatives who she lives with were out of town.  The relatives called my mother and told her I would be in town and asked her not to contact me while there, directed her not to cause trouble.  She did not stop by, but she called the house where I was staying.

I didn't recognize her voice, in and of itself an amazing thing, I thought her voice was burned in my memory.  I asked who I was speaking with and she said "Mommy."  Ugh. I stopped calling her Mommy when I was 5 years old.  Nice try old lady, I don't think so.  I simply replied, "I'm sorry, you know I can't speak with you. Would you like me to take a message for someone?"  She immediately went into a story about how I was there to try to talk about her, cause trouble for her, blah blahblah (in addition to her BPD, she is also delusional and paranoid).  I repeated the suggestion I take a message for someone, she said NO and hung up.

I've been dreading having actual contact with her since I went NC.  I think if she had shown up on the doorstep this weekend and I had to see her face, I may not have been able to stay so calm.  But I was proud of myself for being able to calmly cut her off and not allow myself to even hear her chaos.  I wasn't sucked in! I did it! 

Granted, this morning she was rattling around in my head, and I wanted to yell at her "You give yourself too much credit!  I think very little of you, and I think of you very little, why on earth do you still insist I am out to get you?  Why do you stay tied to me in your head when I have been carving away at that cord for all these years?"

But I know the discomfort of her ghost will fade away from my conscious mind over the week, as it has other times when her memory reared itself unbidden. Especially since I now know I can face her without breaking down as I feared previously.

I wanted to post this success for those who may be wondering about going NC, and in gratitude for those who helped me make the decision.  I remember wonderful advice and support I received here at times when I feel the pressure from society to "honor your mother" and the guilt for "abandoning" her.  I am so much better off, and stronger, and LIFE IS PEACEFUL!

I share my experience, strength and hope with you all.  Thanks for being here for me to remind that taking care of myself and working on my emotional growth is ongoing. It works!

Thank you WildWoman, for sharing!

As my DH and I have gone NC/VLC with his uBPD mother, I find it very encouraging to hear your story. I'll pass it along to my DH too. :) And congrats on not getting sucked in! We all know how hard that truly is! 

Hi, WildWoman, and welcome back. I'm glad you've decided to post again. It must have felt good to be able to remain centered during a stressful interaction with your mother. Learning healthy detachment is one of our main goals here on the Healing board.

Do you mind sharing a little more about the skills you have learned? I can remember when interactions with my mother filled me with adrenaline, and I know other members often feel the same way. What changed within you to make it possible to speak calmly to your mother?