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So, my wife and I talked last night. It was disturbing.

She was civil. She asked after me and tuned me out when I replied. I got the impression that she felt a sort of superior pity for me, but she was impatient and dragging out the conversation by turns. She said she was sorry that I was sad. I said I missed her and she said she was sorry.

I had spoken with her father earlier in the day, informing him that I'm moving in with my brother, who lives much closer to the in laws, and that her plan of living in this city and having me watch our child most of the time wouldn't work. The situation has just completely destroyed my finances. I said we could work out a time to meet so I could see my son.

In the conversation with my wife, she sort of elbowed in that she would bring our son to see me next week.

She tried some small talk about how boring it was there. She said that I seemed to be handling this all well. She asked about my new laptop, something her sister bought for me since my wife took hers with her, even though I used it to work.

I tried to SET the situation with our son, to try and remind her that she's the most important person in his life at this point, and she responded with "That's why I'm here," as if she hadn't been gone for several days. She ended the conversation shortly after.

So, no remorse yet, no positive feelings I could detect, but this undercurrent of something I can't put my finger on, much like when she suggested we stay married out of convenience early in this cycle. "I don't like you much, but don't go too far away this time."

The last time she left she was silent for 6 months. This time she's talking to me, but there's no feeling behind it. She hasn't been sad about it, she just seems annoyed to deal with me. This time around there seems to be little in the way of a smear campaign, that I'm aware of, besides the overreaction that her parents had, which smacked of lies. I haven't asked what she said originally. Whatever it was, the in-laws don't believe it now.

There are differences in this break up, and I'm not sure of what to make of it. I don't know what to make of the mixed signals, besides to think that she's keeping a string tied to me.

All I know is that it felt like talking to an alien, something that didn't share 3+ years with me, something that found it all so inconvenient that we had to talk. My knees were shaking after the conversation. I was angry, hurt, and sad. A five minute conversation made me wonder if I was the one that was acting crazy over all of this.

I have to detach some. I feel too attuned to her feelings, and I was extremely hurt that there was nothing there for me.

Just wanted to say, I am sorry.  Detaching is hard but necessary for sanity.  Some days I succeed and some days I don't.  Hang in there!

Sounds like you know the road you've got to walk, now you just have to do it.

Just chiming in to offer support!

You poor fella,

sorry mate but i've been there regarding the 'talking to an alien'... . my BPDexgf just metamorphosed infront of me, it was like a lightbulb going off, so quick.  And once she'd changed, there was no way she'd change back.  In a strange kind of way, it was like all the kindness she'd 'mirrored' from me had vanished, and maybe I was truly for the 1st time seeing her soul -which was cold, vicious, angry... . and very afraid. 

If you want to have any sensible conversations with her at the moment, it's just not going to happen.  She's dysregulating at the top of the spectrum and it'll be months probably before she comes down. 

I really feel sorry for you -I was there in September last year and it was horrid.  Like talking to someone who didn't care whether I was alive or dead, safe or in danger, functioning or falling apart... .   she just didn't care.  Just look after you and let time catch up with her -it will.