BPDFamily.com

I'm a newbie to these boards - I posted an introduction and it seemed like this was the board to be on.

I'm getting married in a couple of months to an amazing person. I'm an only child with a uBPD mother and NPD father (at least that is what my therapist thinks they are). Ever since I've gotten engaged, they cranked their need to control my life into overdrive. They first became very argumentative and critical about the wedding plans (they wouldn't even acknowledge my engagement ring). That escalated to them calling me horrible names, including telling me how pathetic I am, that I'm a fake daughter and a backstabber, disowned me twice, tried to barge into my house unannounced on a weekday morning, and called my fiance and threatened to "take care of him for meddling in our family", among other things. They even went so far as to write me several letters telling me to prove to them that they come above all else (including my fiance).  It came to a head when I tried to visit with them to talk things through. I barely got 3 words out before they jumped down my throat and started to twist things, and my father came out with his list of supposed grievances against me and my fiance. When I decided I had enough and went to leave, my mother jumped up, called me a b%%ch, and physically tried to attack me and yank me back into the house.

I had enough and cut off communication with them. They have taken way too much of a toll on my physical and emotional health and they don't think they've done anything wrong. Now they are trying to worm their way back in to find out what the wedding plans are, mainly because they have several friends (who are their friends and people I don't know well enough to invite on my own) that they bragged about the wedding to before they decided to start treating me like crap, and now they are afraid of looking bad if they and their friends are not invited. Even though in the times they disowned me, they threatened to tell their friends everything I supposedly did to them.

At this point I don't want them at the wedding. I have nightmares about my mother making a scene and ruining the day. They've caused enough grief to me and my fiance, but at the same time I feel guilty for cutting them out. I keep telling myself that my fiance and I will be surrounded by the people who truly do love and care for us. But I still can't help but feel cheated for not having the parents at the wedding that I wish I had. I've been seeing a therapist to help me work through all of this and set boundaries for myself, and I have had a great network of friends to lean on for support.

Has anyone here been in this situation? Did you invite or not invite your BPD/NPD parents to your wedding? Was it the right decision for you? I cry a lot over this - I just want the anxiety to go away so I can try to enjoy what's left of my engagement.

Thanks for reading/listening.

Dear TiredBride,

  I am SO sorry that you are going through this at such a joyous time in your life. It's always so painful when the two people who are supposed to love you & support you the most are abusing you. It's normal to feel like your parents should be at your wedding; but sometimes the "norm" isn't always the best.

  One of the worst mistakes in my life was having my uBPDmom and my enabler dad at my wedding. Not only was my wedding totally ruined by her, but my dad refused to walk me down the aisle just an hour before the wedding because my soon to be DH got in between my mother screaming at me calling me a "whore", "worthless", "horrible daughter", all because I told her no to booze at my wedding (because she is an alcoholic ). I had to beg my soon to be DH to apologize so I could have dad walk me down aisle. Just for my uBPDmom to look at DH and say "I knew you'd see it my way". I spent the whole day setting up for the ceremony (because mom was getting her hair done) and doting on the "Mother of the bride" that day- and I only had 15 minutes to get myself ready. I wasn't allowed to invite any of my friends, Aunts, Uncles or my fathers parents- all because I was a "traitor" to her if I do. Even the flowers in my bouquet- nothing I chose. She MADE it- to save money. 

    Every time I look or even glance at my wedding photos, I cringe. I hate the photos- while they are lovely pictures- all I see is pain and sadness. DH and I have been married for 16 years and are saving up for our 20 year anniversary- and re-new our vows with the people we love and who love us. No uBPDmom or dad.

   While, in the end it is up to you if you want them there or not- ask yourself this: if it's ugly now- what's it going to be like when you get closer to the the day of the wedding? If the loyalty testing has started, it will only get worse and they will wear you down till you just say "yes". This happened to me. I became tired of every little tiny thing was a fight. And in the end- not one thing at my wedding or reception was what I wanted. uBPDmom even started saying "this is MY wedding! You WILL do it MY way- or I won't pay for anything!" [/i]Emotional Blackmail at it's finest.

     Set your boundaries if you chose to have them there. Stay firm and don't budge. I like to use the scene in Jurassic Park with the velociraptors as an analogy- how those mean creatures test each and every nook and cranny for a weak spot. Your parents will do the same. And maybe see if a family member or a good friend will be a buffer for you one your wedding day- so when your parents make a scene or try to ruin your day- they can take over for you and re-direct them. Remember to include you fiance with the decision as well. It's his wedding too. Something else I didn't do and never did for years- because being a "good and dutiful" daughter was my #1 priority. My parents wanted to come before my kids, my husband and of course myself. And I allowed it to happen for years. And it almost led me to a divorce & losing my kids and thoughts of suicide. And my parents could care less.

    These are all things that I've learned through the years with my wedding shower, wedding, my anniversaries, baby showers and kids' birthdays. It doesn't matter who or what (even my uBPDmom's mothers funeral, mother threw a huge fit because people were hugging each other and not her first) it MUST be about them 110% of the time. And if it's not there is hell to pay.

    Go with your gut feeling.  It's YOUR life. Hang in there!

    We are here for you and understand!  

     No more tears sweets!  I'm sending you a great big hug! Because it sounds like you need one!

     

Welcome, Tiredbride313!  And hugs to you 

I am a Newbie as well to these boards, but not to experience with an uBPD mother.  I am married almost 22 years now, and I often regret inviting my parents to our wedding - or I would have handled it all very, very differently with 20+ years hindsight. 

I have to agree with everything sarahsparkles said about "loyalty testing".  Love that phrase, it really captures the psychotic dynamic!  BPD parents really have this very warped sense of entitlement, and will NOT let you have your own life (you "belong" to them, or ARE them, is how they think!), if they have anything to do with it.  Doesn't matter if you're 20, 40, or 60 years old!  So, beware.  Obviously it's up to you and your fiance, but if you do invite them, have protection plans in place - I highly recommend security, other family/friends that know about her/them to intervene on your behalf, etc.  It's YOUR day, and while they certainly won't be thinking that, don't let yourself forget it!

And you'll have to go in knowing that they can STILL try to ruin the entire thing even if invited, and probably will.  My mother made a scene 20+ years ago, telling me right before the ceremony that I was "making a mistake", and then pouting and crying hysterically during the reception, before she and my father left early.   We didn't speak for a year.  Fast-forward 20 years, and she makes a scene in front of my now-teenage children, calling the cops on my DH!  Boy, how I soo wish I knew more about BPD a long time ago!  Just last month she sent me a letter disowning me (obviously she thought she OWNED me), which I still haven't responded to.  I'm starting to think it's for the best.

So, you're DEFINITELY not alone; believe me, we understand.  I'm happy for you that you're at least trying to figure this out beforehand and protect yourself, and have a good therapist, rather than being betrayed on your wedding day by your own mother and having to pick up the pieces afterward.  It's not easy... . but you're not alone.  :)

Alice

Thank you both so much for sharing your experiences! It really helps to hear your stories - it also confirms my fears of what may happen if I invite them, and even worse, what they could do in the future if I let them. Right now my priority is me and my fiance. He said he would support whatever decision I make, but I know he doesn't want them at the wedding. He really doesn't want my parents near his mom and dad (who are just sweet, wonderful people), and I don't blame him at all. My parents have been desperate enough to look up my fiance's mom and dad's phone number and start calling them to try and find out more information. Thankfully his mom and dad saw right through it and they didn't call back (I was soo embarrassed when I found out they did that).

Bottom line is, I spent most of my life trying to please them, and to be the "good daughter", sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. I'm done. I have a terrific future ahead of me with the most wonderful, amazing guy, and that is my priority now. Not them.

Thanks again!

Tiredbride313

   I had an UBPD and/or UNPD father.  He was both verbally and physically abusive.  I refused to let him at my wedding (over 35 years ago) and do not regret it at all.  This is your day and not the "illnesses" day. He never went to therapy and refused to change.  I did have to deal with the relatives who disapproved and refused to come if he wasn't coming (my paternal grandmother for one).  The upshot is that I love my husband and wanted to celebrate his love.  The only people who came were those who felt the same way.   Have a wonderful ceremony!

                                                                     Tightrope Walker

Hi Tiredbride313,

I'm a newbie to this forum as well, but wanted to share my wedding experiences.  I have a high-functioning uBPD mother and a low-functioning uBPD in-law, not to mention a whole host of other in-laws who do not believe in boundaries.

We had a tropical destination wedding in 2008. 16 guests, beach wedding, reception + two days of excursions.

My mother was fine at the wedding, an absolute gem.  One of the posters for the other wedding post said that her BPD relative likes giving the image that everything is fine, and this describes my mom.  She wanted it to be perfect, both for image and for me.  She was involved with the planning and gave her input but without forcing it on me, but seemed to realize that the wedding wasn't about her.  I had no fears that she would cause drama, and she didn't.

My in-laws started up the protests as soon as they heard about the wedding.  Wrong location, wrong time of year, wrong date.  (I realize now it was simply "wrong guests!"  My father-in-law didn't commit to coming until he tried to railroad us into letting him get married on our day.  We told him "no," but that's a word he doesn't understand.  He had a knock-off commitment ceremony/wedding 3 hours after our own ended.  After I left his ceremony in tears - stunned at his blatant disregard for our wishes - he demanded an apology from me for ruining their day.  My husband hung up on him and, bless his heart, didn't speak to him for 4 years.

Now, I don't know my FIL well enough to know if he has BPD, but he definitely has zero care for boundaries or the feelings of others.

My low-functioning uBPD in-law…yeah, that's a trip.  At our reception, she got drunk and called her husband (who stayed at home to work) in tears and hysterical because he'd never taken her to this beautiful destination before.  We had enough guests there so we were able to ignore her drama…but realize now how in her eyes, everything needs to be all about her.

Our otherwise perfect and gorgeous wedding WAS affected by the selfishness of my in-laws, try as we might to ignore it.  I spent my wedding night in tears, and our honeymoon was constantly filled with dread that we might see our in-laws…who had chosen to take their fake honeymoon in the same location as ours.

We had a beautiful commitment ceremony 8 months later - just my parents and us.  It went off without a hitch.  Not as a substitute for the wedding, but as a way to provide closure to us.

Would I invite my mom again?  Yes.  Even though she's not very stable, I had a strong suspicion that she was going to put me first.  Would I invite in-laws again?  I don't know.  To not invite them would have been met with my getting cut off from the family, but we were instead cut off _and_ had our special day marred. 

Does it frustrate me?  Yes.  I regularly feel cheated out of good in-laws, out of an extended in-law family that actually cares about us.  I find the struggle within me is to separate who I'd like them to be from who they are; to realize that the two are incompatible and that I'm left with what I have (and what I wouldn't wish on anyone!).  I sense a bit of that in your post as well, when you say you feel guilty for taking a stand, and that you feel cheated by what you've been given.

Trust your intuition.  It will give you the best guidance for what's right for you…even though the realization may hurt.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences! It really helps me to make an informed decision.

Catgirl, you hit the nail right on the head when you mention your struggles of separating who you want them to be from who they really are. I've realized that the parents I want at the wedding don't exist - it's the idea of supportive, loving parents that I want. When my therapist asked me if I wanted my parents there, I told her that I wanted "parents who are supportive and happy for me". She immediately picked up on that and remarked that I didn't say that I wanted my parents there. Because I don't.

I'm also dealing with mutual family friends who totally understand the situation and where I'm coming from, but they feel an obligation to the friendship they have with my parents and are torn about coming to the wedding. The family friends ask me if there's anything else I can think of to try and mend this, but the answer is always no. I can't fix this. I really have tried everything to compromise with them but every time it's been thrown in my face. My parents said several times over the last 6 months that they wanted to talk and "forget about the past", but whenever I made an attempt to meet with them in person, they found excuses not to and then promptly go back to the abuse. I'm done with that cycle, there's nothing productive about it.

My intuition tells me to stay as far away from my parents as humanly possible. Yes, it hurts that I feel this way about my own parents, but I honestly don't see any other option.