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I know that the last few weeks has been a very unhealthy way to move on. I have gone over the top abusing alcohol and weed (legal-Colorado). I don't have social interactions anymore and I don't really leave the house.

At first, I thought it was sadness and fear keeping me in this state. However, I am not a sad victim anymore and I really don't fear getting out of here. I just really really appreciate how simple life is right now. I don't have to jump through hoops to please an impossible partner anymore.

I had to break NC yesterday to deal with bills. She tried engage me personally, but I am finally starting to feel detached. I just don't care what she is doing and how she is doing.

The only thing that makes me sad is that I am comfortable being worthless. The only thing that I fear is that I will continue on like I have recently. But I have developed a strong appreciation for life without her, regardless of quality of my life.

I know what you mean!  My life went in the toilet and my ex left me for another guy at that point.  For a little while it compounded my misery and I got drunk and went out a lot to try to deal with it.

But in the space where she left, I somehow found myself feeling much more complete.

So if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about "feeling worthless."  Maybe you don't have things going for you if you bother listing them out, but you appreciate life and you happen to be alive.  I think that's far more important than your salary or how many people you hang out with.

drxap,

The realization that your coping strategies lately haven't been healthy is a great step in the right direction.  Grieving a relationship loss is hard, and our self-esteem can take a massive hit.  Fortunately, we can learn new ways to cope and rebuild a healthy sense of ourselves.  It took me awhile to "care" again about my life, so I understand what you mean.

What little steps can you take to nourish yourself in a healthy way?  I like to be in nature, do yoga, and talk to friends.  Even very little things add up and will help.

We're here for you. 

Are you able to find replacements to your current coping strategies? Exercise, visiting friends, new hobbies... .

There you go.  Glad that you're having a good day.  But remember this too shall pass.  It's going to difficult again.  So doing work now can make a big difference.

Are you seeing a therapist?  Seeking professional help for my professional issues has been probably the life saving activity that I've made.  From the start of my first BPD break up where my T told me I needed to get into AA before he'd start working with me. And from the recovery, and than another BPD break up and more recovery.

I'm not saying that you need AA.  But I know that booze and pot don't help.  They can be a social lubricant, and a tool to enhance a joyful moment.  But as a method to process grief, grow, and move through the FOG, it's worse than if I did nothing at all but sit and watch TV. 

I hope you might see that fact as well. We are all different, so I'm very hesitant to give suggestions other than the basics. 

And congrats on the detaching.  Stay on the board. Continue to read. Continue to share.  Your work inspires me.  In the month that I've been reading your posts, I can see a difference in your understanding of self.  It's so encouraging.

Congrats.

t

what do you mean being comfortable being worthless?

is "that strong appreciationg for life without her" that you describe above equivalent to feeling free to pursue your own things, as opposed to keeping her happy and walking on egg shells for her?

if that is the case, why not going for old hobbies you  always liked before? re-connecting with friends?