BPDFamily.com

Dear everyone,

Thanks to all who are here and sharing your own stories. I haven't seen my loved one in  months now. Last I heard he is an castle abroad to work on his is drugaddiction. I know they also deal with Borderline. Someone told me he posted he is on the right track and getting better. Why then he still he keeps me out of his life. He reunited with everyone out of his past, but he won't react to my messages. The last I sent was on 5 February, just to let him now I love him and I was proud of him for getting help. Do they really get better? I know it's stupid to feel like this, since he was the one who treated me bad, but I just don;t understand why he won't reconcile with the one friend, who was nothing but loving to him. Could this be he cared too much and I was too close for him?

Hey Hannibal... . it is really difficult when you care for someone and they do not respond to you.  It sounds like he has some complex issues to address with his substance abuse and personality disorders.  Of course, nobody knows what recovery might look like for him, or anyone else for that matter.  And, as you know, emotionally intimacy is a trigger for many of the BPD traits.

I read some of your earlier posts.  If I understand them correctly, this person has told you that he does not want to be in a relationship with you.  Is this correct?  If so, perhaps it would be best if you focused on the process of detaching from him.  Sometimes we won't fully know why a loved one decides to move in a different direction.  It is just something we have to accept, as hard as it might be. 

Hannibal Heyes,

I agree with Winston. It's best to respect the wishes of someone who no longer is in relationship with us. I know that may sting to read but it's better to leave well enough alone and focus on ourselves than trying to figure out why someone won't contact us. I also find that it's often better to allow the other person to come around. Just give it time.

With that being said BPD is a serious mental disorder. It cannot be patched up in a couple of weeks and therapy is not a magical cure. It takes years of committed work on the affected person's part to truly evolve to a better place of understanding about themselves. In addition your ex is also working through a drug addiction. He has a lot of tough personal work to do.  I say this because you need not take your ex not contacting you personal. More than likely he very well is still struggling with his diagnosis or even worse has backed off of fully committing to getting better.

As difficult as it may be try to focus on you.

Spell

This was the hardest lesson for me to learn, but the most valuable one of all.  My experience of ex-girlfriend was not her experience of our relationship.  She gave me the gift of painting me black to my face.   When I heard it, and accepted it, the FOG lifted.   

I breathed again.   I stopped projecting my hopes on her.   It liberated me.   

It's hard.   It's hard to know sometimes what "will" happen.  If they were unstable telling you its over,  who knows what they are going to say after getting some kind of help. There is one obvious thing Im learning here and that is that people with this disorder can not be depended upon on an emotional level, meaning having a basic healthy relationship with,  ever.   Im not saying you can't love them , Im just saying youve got to go on in your own way and take care of your self and not allow your whole life to continue to revolve around them.

                                  I still love my BPD boyfriend but its time to start looking for the needs Im not getting met else where. Im not talking about going out and finding another boyfriend right away sort of thing. Whose ready for that after a thing like this anyways?  Im talking about getting myself involved in other interests, meeting new people, trying a new hobby, doing something significantly good for myself that does not involve him. Its hard at first, but Im beginning at least by making a plan for myself  of things I want to do that DONT depress me.

                                        Ive learned that everything about my boyfriend now and before too,  to be honest,  has involved depression. These are very depressing people! and they want you pulled in. We have to take it upon ourselves to find the happiness we need for ourselves,  and they arent going to do it. Mine is into this  big victim thing and he loves his misery. Yes, I believe he loves it, because if he didnt he'd get himself help. Im the one being rejected in this relationship,  yet he is in more pain? I know this is a trait, but its one that sucks you down into their world where they want you to be.  They keep you trapped there with no way out because thats how they feel. I told him I thought he needed help but he doesnt want to listen  and the more I keep assauging his need for attention over all this drama  the less likely hes ever going to think that he needs any help.   

                                       

                                          So,  Im on my own now so to speak and teaching myself new techniques  to get myself up out of chair and involved in the happy things in life,  because thats what I want. I dont want depression and darkness 24/7.   Who does?

People in intensive therapy or rehab are in a very fragile place.  The recovery is tenuous and in some cases the professionals recommend people to not get re involved in some relationships... . romantic etc because it's a threat to sobriety.

As far as caring for him ... . you can care.  It may look very different than what you are thinking.  It may be you can still care but let him work on himself and get his feet underneath him and wish him well without having a relationship.

It's a huge move for someone to commit to treatment like he did.  It's a positive step as much as it hurts for you right now.

Since he's in rehab have you though about doing the Al-anon?

Thanks for all the nice comments; I just hope he gets better... . heals...