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I was the recipient of my x's anger for most of our long relationship. Things got particularly bad for the last 10 years after my x had a breakdown and I was the only one around to help and be the punchbag.

I made the decision that enough was enough last June.  My ex moved out in October but took weeks to go. 

Since June I have had to put up with a lot of anger and raging. I stayed mostly calm on the outside. I saw a T for my inner feelings.  I had realised that there was no point in trying to argue logically.

I was accused of being cruel / callous / uncaring- the works.

It has been very difficult recovering but I'm doing my best to stay positive. I really don't want to be a bitter person.

I don't want to be defined by having been in a relationship with a BPD.

I want to be able to use this experience to be stronger for the future.

My question is what happens to their anger / rage after a break up. How do they manage it? They need to project but what happens if they don't immediately find someone willing(?) to take on that burden?

Or are they so skilled they already have someone lined up ?

I know it won't ever be me again. I've resisted being hooked back in but I'd be interested in your thoughts and experiences about this.

Rosehips,

Wondering what prompted this question from you - what are you trying to resolve in you?


Based on your experience, I can understand your question - there seem to be some fundamental BPD assumptions that are not exactly true... . so I will attempt to explain.

Why do you think they "need" to project it?  Projection is one of many maladaptive coping mechanisms in the tool belt of a pwBPD.  Just because it worked that way with you, it might not be that same tool with someone else - it may be drug abuse, cutting, something else.

Remember - the intense feelings (rage) was a likely result of the internal struggle with abandonment/engulfment felt by your pwBPD.  YOU (I know this hurts to hear) are the trigger to that rage.  w/o you - this rage might not be so close to the surface now.  BPD is triggered by intimate relationships.

Does this make sense?

Peace,

SB

Does this mean that they are only dysregulated when they rage and other times they are "normal"  If that is the case I understand why my ex would say "we need to end this" during our entire 3 years relationship.  Why would anyone want to stay with someone that triggers them?

I don't know your ex, I am answering based on BPD facts here... . but yes, there are periods of dysregulation and there are periods of time that are balanced - this is how/why the disorder is so hard to diagnose.

Yes, why would one want to be with someone who the completely fear will abandon/engulf them (remember, this is mainly subconscious).  The BPD behaviors we take so personally are them coping to intense emotional pain. 

Thank you SB.  The thought came to me  when I was walking with my dog.

What you say is  what I feared but i hoped it wasn't true. I think I needed to accept it as being true.

I hate conflict and yet was the trigger for so much anger.

At least I can have a more peaceful life now.

Rosehip, just know while you were the trigger this time, in this relationship. Every relationship a pwBPD has, typically ends up this way. It wasn't just you. It's the people that they end up with, partner with and what occurs inevitably when they get close. It's part of the BPD cycle of Idealization-Devaluation-discard.  Kinda like, they can't close the deal with anyone. And if they can, can you imagine the type of crow you are going to have to swallow? Go on to L1 and read if you start to forget what it takes to sustain a one-sided relationship. Something that helped me, but can also be very triggering, so be aware, is lurking on the forums where the BPD's are talking and giving support to one another. It helped me at certain points really understand that there was no long term possibility for me and my exBPDbf. God speed. We understand and are here for you. Hugs, SMH

Rosehip, I apologize, not L1, L5 (staying and trying to make it work)

I urge you to not personalize this in terms of "you" caused it -it was the fact it was an intimate relationship.

The parts that you can own are the ones you can work on - ie: boundaries, conflict resolution, etc.

Good question - your thought pattern is what many of us start with in an assumption.  BPD facts really do help in understanding so we can untangle that spider web.