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Title: I understand why borderlines discard a little better. Post by: Hurtbeyondrepair27 on February 27, 2014, 05:07:13 PM So... . my ex was keeping my daughter from me, and I felt very week.
I went over to his house... stayed the night and had mind blowing (amazing not enough words to describe) passionate sex. It went well... . we talked about what happened a little. He came over the next day for round 3... . (again great sex) I don't remember what was said... but somehow his betrayal (a pretty big one was brought up) but he laughed and said: "That was hilarious" When I was hurt (not angry saddened) he said "I know you don't realize this... but you're not the only one with a effed up childhood" I told him, "what does that have to do with right now." another words... yes our effed up childhoods determine how we behave... but that does not mean we can justify our behaviors with it when they hurt someone... we still have to take responsibility. I didn't say that... . b/c I thought it was the obvious... but I don't think he is emotionally mature enough to understand that... . I think it took it as me not having empathy for what he went through... thus not understanding his behaviors... I understand them just fine. He left angrily.,... I called today to discuss what happened... and he said he understood my hurt... (the words seemed reasonable) but he was yelling at me... and obviously angry I brought it up. When I called him on it... He said... we just don't click like we used to ... maybe we should not see eachother and, ofcourse, I called him on it he yelled and said he was trying to protect me "because he obviously hurts me when he's around me" (sounding like a vigilante... but clearly it was more resentment than anything else... for pointing out his flaws" I told him it wasn't ok to joke about abuse... . and he said that's how he deals with it... that's how he cops... that he actually doesn't think it is funny and I should have empathy for him. Turning it around... he says that by me not accepting how he copes AKA laughing about the horrible crap he putting me through and joking about it... . I am being selfish and not understanding of how he deals. I made it clear I do understand why... but that doesn't mean it makes his behavior about it ok at the very least around me... I could really tell he didn't want to deal with my emotions... . and I said, "you know what? I get it. You hurt me you don't want to deal with it so you'd rather discard me." I hung up on him... I cried then the pain it... I got it... . revelation. Clarity. He does HURT about what he did... he knows it was screwed up. He has wanted me for 2 years and he isn't emotionally mature enough to keep me. It is easier for him to discard me... . instead of facing what he did. He wants me to forget it and let it go... otherwise I have no empathy for him. When actually he wants that b/c he wants to pretend like it never happened. And me pointing out my pain over it triggers his pain. That he is a really screwed up person. And it angers him. Easier to leave me than to deal with it. It's not because he doesn't hurt... or feel bad about it... it's easier to direct anger at me... . then leave me than look at what he has done. Because it shatters his very distorted and narcissistic self perception. Borderlines... are cowards. They are not strong enough to face their fears... and make a better life for themselves. If they didn't have people to feed off of they would never survive. It's sad. I love him... . but I didn't deserve to be yelled at... I didn't deserve to be expected to accept his abuse... otherwise it translates to no empathy for him. I have compassion just fine. and he is so so dumb for not seeing it. Title: Re: I understand why borderlines discard a little better. Post by: Hurtbeyondrepair27 on February 27, 2014, 05:07:53 PM I didn't proof read... weak* among other misspellings sorry!
Title: Re: I understand why borderlines discard a little better. Post by: Hurtbeyondrepair27 on February 27, 2014, 05:26:53 PM Im not undecided! I'm leaving!
It was a slip up! Title: Re: I understand why borderlines discard a little better. Post by: maxsterling on February 27, 2014, 05:58:03 PM I guess I get some of this same behavior, too. There are things that she did that by any standard are considered abusive. She knows it, and she knows it is abusive because she hates it when others do it to her. And I know from her words that she knows it is hurtful to me, but she doesn't stop. Instead, if she thinks it is hurtful, will ask afterwards "Are you mad at me?" or just apologize and hug me. But months later, she will bring it up as if it is not serious. Not so much as a joke. But she does talk about a bad argument (terrifying for me) we had on a road trip, saying "we had a good trip, I think, I only wanted to kill you once. Not really, but I was in a bad mood."
Umm. I remember that argument. It was because the night before when we were having sex and I reached for a condom, she made a comment under her breath, and then something about me not loving her. I brought it up the next day, saying I was hurt, and I felt like I was being used (she's obsessed with having a baby, so much she was looking into fertility clinics a few months before I met her). She screamed at me in the car for hours, telling me her f'd up childhood and her emotions took precedence over mine or whatever hurt I have. I'd say that is more than just a "bad mood", and that fight was nothing to brush off or joke about. I don't think she's a coward in the classic sense. I think she is overwhelmed by shame. She's made SOO many bad decisions, and she knows they were bad. If she was to accept her part of it, she'd judge herself as an evil person (which she does sometimes, and then things get really scary for me), and since she doesn't want to be an evil person, she does whatever to make those bad memories go away. Now she minimizes or projects, before she would turn to drugs or other mind-numbing behaviors (which only increase her shame later on). |