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I am in the process of putting together my plan to file for divorce from my NPD/BPD spouse.  I find I have to make a series of stratetic baby steps and have everything in place before I pull the plug. 

In the meantime, I am still living with the NPD/BPD spouse.  I have some news I need to break to the NPD/BPD spouse that will serve as a trigger for her rage response.  I need to do this in the next few days and wonder whether anyone has any advice - other than avoidance - for breaking news to an NPD/BPD spouse that you know is going to trigger a rage response. 

Thank you. 

First, if she rages, that's her, and not your responsibility to prevent her from raging.  If it needs to be said, it needs to be said.

Second, I've found the SET tool helps in these situations.  Make sure you give her a statement or two of reassurance before you tell her the "truth".  Good news before bad news. 

Third, if it does trigger a rage, get the hell out of there ASAP and let her calm down on her own.  And remember, you didn't cause the rage.  That's her issue.

Fso, are you able to share more what you need to tell her?

News that I have been reassigned to an overseas position.

Okay that's huge news.  You plan on bringing her with you?  When do you leave?

Well, given her past behavior at another post - and it is well known - and my security clearance she probably cannot come. 

   Any possibility of discreetly removing any valuables, important documents, things you really don't want to lose before you break the news?

You may also want to prepare others for what may be coming to them. Close family probably already know she has relational issues, but she may lash out with a ferocity you've never experienced before. My BPDw sent dated photos from an accident attached to e-mails to my children, friend and her family saying I choked, raped and beat her during an episode. I triggered it by telling her for the first time I could no longer bear up under the cyclic horror and left for several hours for a first time to allow her to calm down. She admits that when I leave her rage intensifies and she wants to hurt me even more. I record almost everything. She becomes violent, will attack, then, starts hitting and scratching herself saying "who do you think the police will believe"? Once while I was on a long walk to get away from her, she scraped her forehead on a brick wall, e-mail two friends that I had done it and said she was afraid for her life. I've recorded a dozen or more rage sessions and post episode talks when she stabilizes and apologizes for the violence, threats and e-mails claiming to have no recollection of writing and dong what she did. I suspect its not legal, but I do it for me, my children, friends and family. She's copied me on e-mails to two of her medical doctors that she is violent, so I assume its not longer confidential. She keeps me home now by threatening suicide. She's tried twice; once had to be hospitalized. She's on powerful meds that she could kill herself with; has pre-written letters to send to everyone we know and has sent a few to our children in the past. They know the issues; he family knows the issue.If you're wife has a BPD history with family, they will already know. You may want to prep everyone you know.

Well there you have it.  If it's directive there isn't much to do unless youplan on declining the position.

It sounds like you are done with this marriage and yiu want to figure out how to remove yourself with the least amount of dust kicking up?  Am I reading it right?

if you are filing have you talked with an attorney and sifted through how to split up the assets etc?  Do you have plans in place for living arrangement s for yourself while you wait for the work thing to come through?

It is not directive per se, but they will want to know that:  a) she can control her behavior with: b) therapy and/or medications; and c) has undergone a medical/psychological evaluation and is given assurance that she will not do anything that could embarrass the U.S. Government. 

Is she capable?

And

Do you want the position?

And

Do you want this marriage?