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Struggling with the result of breaking NC because of moving ahead with my divorce.

I chose to break my "silence" and contacted my exBPDw this evening. Although the conversation was slightly charged with emotion I got through it ... . or so I thought ... . okay!

She let it be known that she had tried to contact me several times and I never responded... . I didn't really react to any of that in any way.

We discussed how we can go forward with the divorce... . and kept any discussion of anything personal out of it.

Then bang.  5 minutes after the call ends ... . she emails me and says just

  " you're a million miles away"

She walked out on me 7 weeks ago... . cheated on me over the holidays and left after the new year... .

And I get this statement from her

I want to sob... .

What they do... . wow ... .

This justs makes me feel so awful and sad

I know I can come to this board and find such wonderful people... .

I certainly need them now... .

This is so hard for me... . and I had been feeling so strong in the last few weeks

:'(.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

Her words are just designed to hurt and you're the guy in the firing line.

I hope you manage to put some distance between you two over the weekend.  It would be a great idea to switch off the phone, ignore the laptop and just get away somewhere... . a Saturday evening stay with a good mate? 

Keep strong and remember this illness is horrid, I think it's designed to hurt and you're at the point (near the end) where there are no limits/boundaries unless you put them in place.

Take care, my thoughts are with you

Sorry Cimbaruns

I know you are in pain right now. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you right now. Just remember there are a lot of people here that can help you work through the feelings you are experiencing. Do you have children together?  Hang in there. It will continue to come in waves for a while but it will be alright sooner than later.  

It's all a matter of interpretation. It could just as easily mean: "I'm hurt, because you don't respond to me trying to contact you, and now that we spoke you didn't say anything personal and was cold and distant, like you're a million miles away"

Nobody knows what it mean, except her. If you want to detach it shouldn't matter. Are you undecided?

Diamond.  Thank you

I know the words are designed to hurt but it's still hard.

My T says that they have to shift the blame to others in order to make themselves feel better...

However it still makes me reel

Maybe a very long walk is in order for tomorrow

Waifed

Thank you also. ... . everyone here is so supportive

No ... . we each have older children from previous r/s and I cannot even begin to tell you how that has affected me, not being connected with them at all

Part of me wishes I could have had a proper goodbye in all of this ... . but everything is just so disordered... . I cannot even get my head around it all yet...

It will be a very long road ahead

Cimbaruns, go ahead and cry if you feel to. It's hard letting go, even with more and more reasons to, like her email. Remember, the cheating, the leaving, it's been about her. The way she feels right now is a million miles away from you. She may be talking (projecting) about herself. Knowing she lost you. Going back to NC, you won't have to hear it any more. You're still strong, and getting stronger.

Guilt haunted

I'm sure it meant that I sounded distant... . but yes I both need and want to detatch... . so it shouldn't matter... . but I guess it still strikes a chord...

As many here can attest... . it sometimes is a fine line we walk

I think my head sees it... . but my heart still needs to catch up and it's got a ways to go

Ugh

Myself

She may very well be projecting about the fact that she lost me...

I know that each and every time we've broken up and I've gone NC she asks me ... . why don't you respond ... . why don't you talk to me?

I guess I don't understand why she wouldn't get that... . she walked out on me... . left... . was with someone else... . I'll never understand... . but I guess it's because they don't either!

Yes... . going back NC ... . I won't have to hear it anymore

Thanks Myself... . I am still strong in this weakest moment...

BE SOO CAREFUL on the 'why don't you talk/respond to me?' q's from the BPD ex.

My exBPDgf went kaboom with me on the street (again under my favourite BT tower) and told me many times she didnt love me, I needed to move on.  Her phone text messages were going off every 10 seconds and frankly she couldn't be bothered to speak to me.  Of course the texts were my replacement hot off the plane from Scandinavia -the 'son' of a 'friend' apparently?

I drove home, about 1.5hrs through central London in tears. 

Mobile switched off 10 days.

11 days later, I switched on my phone... . "beep beep, bloody beep beep" (lots of old messages)... .

Her words:  "It's not fair that you can disappear from my life like that!"

My response:  You knew my email address!

Her response:  "Er, no, you have cancelled your email too!"

Me:  "Er, I havent"

Her:  Yes you have! 

Me... "Nope"

Her... . but it's XXXXXX.com

Me:  Nope, it's XXXXXX.co.uk  (You must have been too busy with the replacement to remember it's .co.uk)

Her:  silence 

A few days later the replacements mum is threatening the girl, the whatever it was has turned v sour, emails to her aunt threatening her from the replacements mother... .   and I got dragged back in... . (to a world of pain)

Seriously, it's ONE NASTY GAME and your a soothing pawn aboutto have your head chopped off by a knight on a very worn out chess board.  Take up something else to spend (waste) your timewith... .  

Totally understand the Kaboom!

If you let them in a wee bit it all blows up in your face!

Especially after you break NC... . It seems to open the floodgates

After our conversation she emailed in a barrage about how hurtful I've been by ignoring her. Going back NC

They trigger so many emotions

of course you are - it is called self preservation, do not let the guilt creep in... .


I had a version of this myself and if hurts deeply - it sucks, no pretty way to say it.


It is ok and totally normal to feel like this - it is sad stuff.  This is part of the process and as much as it hurts, you are making healthy steps forward.

Being strong for a couple weeks and then having a setback really is par for the course.  You are coping well - coming here - let yourself see that you really are handling a very hard time in the best possible way.

So, have you hired an attorney and filed?

Hey Cimbaruns... . this is a very painful situation.  I would hear such a comment as "you're a million miles away" as an inability or unwillingness to acknowledge the cause of the distance.  In my situation, I would "hear" the disconnection from reality in her voice and it would destabilize me.  My path forward was to pursue my own feelings and understanding of events and emotions and then hold on to them.  Sounds like such a basic life skill, but it is one I had to learn... . over and over.  It is, I think, the beginning of establishing healthy boundaries.

I think for me this was "acknowledgement", the first step on the right.  I didn't like what I was acknowledging because it meant that I was not going to be close to my ex... . but it was initially her choice to cheat and I was facing the consequences.

As SeekingBalance posted, you seem to be handling it well... . and it seems like time to start taking affirmative steps to move forward.

SB and Winston

Thank you

This does affirm my total need for boundary setting and yes moving forward is where I'm headed

I plan on meeting with an attorney and taking steps toward divorce.

It's apparent to me that I truly have to be proactive here and take whatever I need to  to protect myself... .

Her inability to be anything but berating and irrational is totally apparent.

I view this as something that makes me stronger(although I was so triggered and sad last night after her emails)... . it definately affirms my choice to go NC and move ahead.

I guess I'm handling as best as I can for now... . another revelation into my own issues as well... . one of which I can learn from and work on ... .

This is surely a difficult journey