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Well I returned the things she asked for today.  We have been nc for 7 weeks now and things are improving sloowly.

However I feel differently than I thought I would.  I planned on dropping off the stuff and heading to the gym to work off some emotion.  Which I did.

But I was not sad today.  I was angry.  Which surprised me. I even sent the pictures she asked for that were on my computer along with ones of her and I and I didn't feel a longing for her.

  After I left the stuff (didn't see her) I sat and journaled for a bit before heading off to the gym.  I was surprised at my anger but it wasn't fully directed at her and I realized that.

I sent a text simply saying her things were outside and she replied thank you.  That was the extent of it.

I was angry at my self, at her parents for their abuse, at my parents and their issues.

And yes I am angry with how she hurt me, but more wanting to know why I allowed it.

Anyway I did 3.5 on the treadmill and some weights and headed home without so much anger.

What surprised me even more was that I had the best night than I have had in a long time.  Stupid silliness that would usually be out of character for me.  Even starting a small food fight with my kids.  Which is something I have never done in my life!  I was being impulsive and just being me... . without the rules and constraints I usually demand of myself.  It felt GOOD!

After the kids went to bed I did some more introspection and journaling that I will write about later in another post on the personal inventory board.  Needless to say I felt like I made a lot of progress today.

I am not sure why.  I was prepared for the grief but it didn't come.  It has been also the longest stretch of relatively good days for me so far as well.

I suppose I am nervous that I am thinking too much of it... . but I am grateful all the same.

I don't feel anger or sadness or grief... . I feel more empathy perhaps?  Not quite pity, but it's close.  So I am not sure what that is all about either... .

Give yourself a break and don't be hard on yourself.


Boy that sounds like a lot of fun with the kids! Being spontaneous and letting yourself go feels good! It's nice to read that you had productive, fun and introspective day, those always feel good when they happen  |iiii

FEAR - most things are not nearly as bad as we make them out to be in our minds.

GRATITUDE - you nailed the important part here... . being grateful and enjoying the moment you are in... . thank you so much for sharing this post.

Sadness will come and go - these moments you had tonight - embrace them  |iiii

Peace,

SB

Hello allmessedup... . you are my 100th post so a milestone!

I really am interested in your line... . "I was prepared for the grief, but it didn't come"

I think that's really good news.  It will come sometimes, but not ALWAYS, so you must be healing. 

Try not to be afraid -The FEAR is the worst emotion I've felt, it drove me to the edge, but i'm learning that my fears, whilst REAL, are not going to happen because my BPDexgf is enabled by her mother and she has made it to 30years old without my love or protection for 29 of those years... .  

ps:  Food fights are excellent ideas... .   hope you don't have expensive wallpaper, just rub-down paintwork  :)

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

I think that fear has been what I hated the most.  So many fears that came in the form of what ifs.

But gratitude has been a huge way to resolve that for me.  I have so much to be grateful for and I make it a point to recognize the little things that I am grateful for as well.

The little things that used to drive me crazy now make me smile.  I am trying to change the way I see things... . like the massive  pile of wet and snowy shoes strewn across my doorway isn't just a mess to pick up, but evidence that my kids feel safe enough... . happy enough to always want to bring their friends over.  The crazy welcome from my dogs I used to dread comes from them being so excited to see me because they love me so much.  The mountains of laundry and dirty dishes that never seem to go away is evidence that I have plenty of clothes and food to eat. 

Being intentional and noticing these little blessings has gone a long way for me.

Oh and the food fight WAS fabulous... . especially cuz those 4 dogs made sure to clean up any evidence of it

Hey there AMU:  

Let the emotions flow.  They are neutral, it's how respond that determines their value or suffering.  You went to the gym in response.  Great response.

For anger, it is very important for to try and see the source.  Sadness, fear, pain, resentment, shame, guilt... . can all be transformed into anger.  So if I dissipate the anger without seeing the source, the source emotion still remains within me to be dealt with later.

And it's good to be angry at some issues. I lost my childhood.  I had to survive my childhood and it was a miracle that I did without going crazy or in jail.  It's why I'm also an alcoholic.  So my response to my anger at my childhood is to do my best to fight that type of pain from occurring to other children.  To be kind if I can to others.  To have compassion and forgiveness for myself, because I had to learn childhood survival techniques that are not appropriate for adult life.

And now I'm becoming more emotionally mature on a balanced level.  

But it comes and goes. The cyclical nature of recovery and growth is part of life.  And the triggers still remain from the trauma bond and the PTSD.

But it's gotten better.

It will for you.

thanks for sharing.

T

Very wise words tausk!

I do need to look at what is behind the anger... . there is a source... . I just need to continue to search for it.  Journaling is enormously helpful in this way for me!

And you bring up a very important point... . I need to do this for my kids as well as myself.  To show them boundaries so that they know its safe to uphold them, to have them see that self forgiveness is important, and that self respect is essential.  To demonstrate kindness and compassion to others so they will model that.  To be unapologetically myself so they see it is safe to do the same. 

Very powerful things that strengthen my resolve when I am feeling scared and weak... . it will benefit not only myself but generations to come. 

Thank you!