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After almost a year of NC my udBPD ex bf contacts me. I stupidly answered my phone thinking i was now strong enough to deal with anything he threw at me. Sadly i don't think i am. I did tell him (not too politely) never to get in touch with with me again. But now I feel all my hard work has been undone. He's got me thinking about him 24/7 again, my stomach is is knots and sometimes think i could go back. WHY AND HOW DO THEY MANAGE TO DO THIS TO US?

The way borderlines attach gets hooks into our core, and it takes a while to get them out.  Of course we had to be susceptible and willing, to create that loaded bond with them.

Anyway, all the work you've done has not been undone.  Experiences like that are a good way to see how well our detachment is going, a good check-in; how can you use this?  What can you do differently now, with this added info?

Mine contacted me about 8 months after I left her, the manipulations and games were transparent and no longer worked, and the exchange let me see her more clearly and actually helped me detach; any of that true for you?

I know i'll never answer my phone again if ever his number comes up. But what got to me was the awful things he accused me of even though i knew they weren't true. The worst on being about a woman he would use when we would split up. To cut a long story short she had very serious mental health problems and committed suicide about a month ago. I knew nothing of it but he texted and said the coroner would be getting intouch with me bc I was the last person to speak to her. I felt terrible even though i know its not true. He is so cruel  its unbelievable.

I am sorry that he said those ugly things to you. I'm sure it was deeply painful. The truism, "hurt people, hurt people" too often seems accurate. These cycles of abuse are self-perpetuating unless the individual confronts their core trauma.

I'll reiterate what FHTH said, all the work you have done is not for naught. In fact it's the opposite. Don't beat yourself up or feel shame over your feelings--it means you haven't shut yourself down and are still brave enough to feel. It's how we process those feelings which illustrates growth. 

As others have said, your hard work is not undone. You have a year of NC and you need to give yourself credit for that. What I am learning -- and I have a long way to go -- is that this is a process of unhooking from complex attachments.   My uBPDxgf had a way of pushing buttons -- which according to some studies I've read translates to an "amygdala hijack" when we are flooded with emotion.  The prior experiences are imprinted at the most primitive level in our brains and until we can open some space for the cognitive brain to regain perspective and control, we are tied into knots.

I wish I had a good answer for your question.  We can only turn attention back to ourselves.  I'm finding that I get tied into knots by certain memories.  All I can do is challenge my own thinking.   Her voice still echoes in my head, painting me black.  Or, I just let myself feel miserable that I participated in the relationship in the way I did.   

Listen to what your feelings indicate.  We don't want the BS of these relationships anymore.  Have you ever heard of Tara Brach?  She writes, "It's not what's happening... . it's how you respond." 

She writes:

"I often use the metaphor of the second arrow because I find it just so helpful. The Buddha told a parable and the teaching was: 

“If you get struck by an arrow, do you then shoot another arrow into yourself?”

If we look at the way we move through the day, when something happens, when we have pain in our body, when somebody treats us in a way that feels disrespectful, when something goes wrong for someone we love, that’s the first arrow. Our mind and body go into a reactivity that does not help to bring healing. We blame others, we blame ourselves. That’s the second arrow."

These storms pass.  We are evolving.  Thanks for posting here.  We're all in this together.

I'm sorry to hear this has you thinking about him again.

Sometimes it takes awhile to really detach and no contact isn't always the cure all its touted to be.

What did he say?  And what is rolling through your mind about him now?