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This is exactly where I'm at with my uBPDgf. She has changed her story so many times I have no trust in her. I've made the decision to end the relationship. I feel so hurt and crushed and I thought she loved me.

I am sure she lied but I don't know and don't want to. The very graphic WhatsApp conversations over a 2 month duration that I found (talking about the sex positions they had and talking about what she wanted to do with his c@ck, etc... . ) that she had with someone she met while on vacation and later spent a week with him was enough for me to know about her true character. It broke my heart. It also was what I needed to move on.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've read some of your posts.The whole supporting her is a disaster in the making. Not your fault, she's just running with the interpretation, he's needy and loves me so much--captured prey. I know, unfair to you--benevolence taken for granted. Look, I don't know your girl, but the fact remains many of them have been around the block in really out-there ways (sorry for the broad brush). Personally that doesn't bother me and for lack of a better term, I won't slut shame, but there's a slippery slope between prior promiscuity and cheating in a committed relationship. If you're hell bent on monogamy, then people with a history of poor impulse control, and unstable relationships aren't the safest bet.

I agree with you Connundrum. When I first met my girl I was totally into the sex, she seemed so amazing... . Like a unicorn! Loved what I loved, listened to my every word and made me feel like a king! She was so adventurous and was like breath of fresh air! But as time has gone on the sex had gotten rougher, more degrading (towards her) and she's even calling me 'daddy' (I've asked her to stop as I'm 15 years older) but she says it turns her on. When we first start dating she admitted to me the following:

- was dating a 24yr old when she was 13. Was forced to perform many sex acts and watch degrading pornography. Was physically abused by this guy. She says it was her first boyfiend and sex partner.

- had a 3 some with two male friends

- had sex with her teacher in high school. She said it was so exciting for her.

- gave oral sex to many guys.

About 4 months into out relationship we were discussing past history. She said she lied about it and said she only had sex with 3 guys, no teacher and engaged in a 3 way with her boyfriend and best fiend (female). She also admitted that her and the best friend had done a lot with each other sexually.

The straw for me was last Friday after we had sex for whatever reason she got into the topic

Of teachers and facebook. She mentioned this teacher again and I just slipped it in about having sex with this guy. Without even skipping a beat she admitted to having sex with this guy twice in his car. I came home and vomited. This was also I addition to her lying to my face about spending $$$ and 'sharing' my wealth with her best friend.

These people are dangerous. I'm just glad I didn't marry her and have kids.

Unicorns don't exist.  If it seems to good to be true it probably is.


How old is she now? 



I really hope this isn't true but there is a population of people with BPD who have experienced sexual trauma.

I'm not disgusted by her.  I'm disgusted by this man.  He belongs in jail and listed as a sex offender.

Let's be clear here this man has molested and sexually abused a prepubescent/adolescent child and continued to abuse her for many years.  This would traumatize almost anyine and severely skew the person's view on sex, intimacy and relationships unless the person had a caring and compassionate therapist.  From the looks of the 13 age it doesn't seem like there was adequate parenting either.


So she continued to be engaged in both consensual and inappropriate sexual relationships... . One with a teacher (which I mostly find myself thinking about the abuse of power and responsibility as the adult this adult had regardless of her statement that she thought it was exciting).

If any part of this is true, and considering the back and forth she fluctuated between I'd bank on part of it being true, she has been through some very sad and very destructive sexual experiences in her formative years.  This is going to carry shame and other issues especially if she is trying to hid this from a boyfriend who has feels disgusted by this type of history.

I dont mean to hurt you here or minimize your pain from this relationship.  The disorder is very real mental illness sometimes triggered by real abuse.  It can create longstanding patterns and coping styles that have destructive consequences for both relationships and the person suffering from. 


She sounds more dangerous to herself.  If you read on the parenting a child with BPD (don't post unless you have a child with BPD) you can read all kinds of stories where children with BPD get involved with the wrong kind of crowd or people just to feel belonging even when it's abusive and dangerous.  It can be pretty desperate. I'd posit anyone that has been through what she's been thru starting at 13 (just picture a junior high school student for a second) might not be in the best position to know what normal is.

It may be good to look at the value you place on the sexual chemistry of this relationship.  It may be too much.  Is the sex part the thing that hurts the most?

She is now 20.

I agree with all your statements about the abuse and predators. For her I imagine it was very scary. I think back to how I was then, it's frightening. I very much want to call the authorities about these guys as I know they are still doing it. Predators don't change, they just change victims right? My biggest issue with calling the police is I'm not 100% sure what is true. These types of charges could ruin a life.

Her parents were terrible. Divorced when she was 3. Used her as a pawn and pleading post. Her relationship was damaged for sure. She says I'm the only guy she had told her mom about dating. She won't tell her dad, says he will go crazy?

In regards to the sexual chemistry, it is an important part. But for me it's the lying about what happened, not the act of it. I don't judge as this was before me. It's just the fact that I can't trust her word. I've been very straight with her about the fact that I don't think she's slutty or dirty. It was a life experience, she's with me and I love her. I've told her so many times I love her and trust her, yet she lies to me. I've been very honest with her from day one about my life, divorce, kids and money. I think lies breed resentment so I just tell her straight about my side of things.

I understand she is very much hurting and damaged. I just don't get why she won't trust me enough to be straight with me. I do very much love her, sex or no sex. I would stop it all for her to get better. I feel like a bad person for dropping her. I feel like I'm going to kill her heart, but I have kids to think about and I have to be able to trust who is in my life and influencing them.

Shame can be huge driving force of this disorder.   It can cause people to lie, to cover up, to do things they might not.

She may not be able to be straight with herself... . If not, being straight with others is going to be next to impossible.

As far as intervening she's an adult now.  I'm not sure how a third party reporting these guys would work.  It also plays into the rescuing thing.  You have kids to focus on.  You can always encourage her to get help if she asks. 

She's very young still.  A very young woman with a history of sexual abuse.   You mentioned being 15 years older and having kids.  Even without her history there is going to be real differences in maturity.  You are dealing with responsibility of parenthood, bills etc.  She's 20 she's going to be at a very different place.  It's really hard to build trust and it's essential.

She doesnt sound ready to have a mature relationship yet.  It's hard to detach.  It's a process. Ifyou look over at the detaching steps on the right margin which one do you think you are dealing with now?

and the million dollar question ... . are you hoping she'll change?

You may be asking for something that she simply cannot give.  Sadly, you can't expect healthy communication from someone who isn't. 

She is 20.

She may or may not have BPD.

I agree with blissfulcamper.

You are asking something of her that she cannot give/ handle.

Im sorry this hurts, but it time for you to figure out where your own head is at,you cannot be her saviour.

I was very much hoping she would change. I caught her in another lie today, totally unrelated to sexual history. I spoke with my therapist about it and have decided that this must end. I just cannot build trust with her. I love her, but I've come to realize I cannot fix her.

While it seems so simple, this is a very powerful realization.  Repeat this often, it helps.