BPDFamily.com

Hi all.

I'm pretty positive someone has asked this before (I just don't know how to search on the boards yet)... . so forgive me if this is an old already answered question.

My divorce from my wife is all but final.  From the separation date, until very recent there have been all the earmarks of what would happen at the end of a relationship with a BPD (she isn't diagnosed BPD, but with another personality disorder... . but all the signs are there for BPD and have been since day one).

I have spent a lot of time in the fog... . but at the same time tried to move on with my life.  Kept working, kept going to school, met a new G/F, moved - and sat around my apartment almost every night when I could and go over the relationship over and over and over.  (I was also in therapy... . which helped).

Recently, after finding this board - it all connected and I see that I have been in one relationship after another with the same dynamics.  They all ended pretty much the same - with my ex doing, initially, whatever she could to get me back in (once the idealization phase started)- or being extremely vindictive and cruel... . painting me black... . alligations of rape, abuse, the like.  Almost word for word.

So in all my self reflections I know where my allowance to put up with this came from (from my FOO, of course) - but... . I have to know... .

Were they BPD (or some other PD)... . am I BPD (or some other PD) - were they just vindictive See You Next Tuesdays... . or is this actually just part of a normal relationship dynamic when the two people just aren't right for each other.

If I'm BPD (or some other PD) - I need to figure this out cause I refuse to take it into the next life.  I'm seeing a wonderful woman and we have been together for about a year and a half (even through my fog)... . I do see her for her and I do like her for her (and I do see a future with her).

But 3 months after we move in together (which I don't know if I wanna move in... . or just wait unitl I am sure with her and get married... . which is the route I think I want to take) things strart to deteriorate because I'm actually bathitte crazy... . well, I want to know and give her the opportunity to bail now before things get deeper.

Or if she is bathitte crazy... . I'd rather know now so I can run.

Or if this is part of a normal relationship dynamic... . then I need to know so I don't go any further and just stick to casual sex.

Any feedback is very much appreciated.

Hi woodsposse,

From you description of your r/s with this woman, it sounds like you are doubting yourself more than her, because you didn't really say much about her at all. Is it that given your past BPD experiences, you aren't sure whether you trust youself to see the red-flag s early on? Maybe take a look at this and see if anything applies to your current r/s... .

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm)

"Red Flags"/How to choose emotionally healthier partners (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68885.0)

You might get some more feedback if you post this to the New Relationships & Dating (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=16.0) Board, as members there are going through or have been through where you are now.

Woodsposse,

So you state that the marriage (to a person with BPD) that ended in divorce followed a pattern that other past relationships had?

And due to that, you're doubting your own mental health?

Hey - you are in therapy. This is seriously a heavy topic for therapy. Us internet chatters, most of whom have admittedly shaky mental health judging by our poor choice in mates, probably are't going to be much use for more than this:

Seek Balance. There is balance between the self-confidence to say, "I am OK" and the self-awareness to say, "I could use a little therapy to help me deal with things better."

It's not a black/white: batpoop-crazy/perfectly sane, it's a very long and wide scale with subtle shades, mottled dark patches, and different dimensions. We're all a little off. But we deal with it and don't get unbalanced.

If you've been dating the new GF for that long and she hasn't:

- gotten suddenly needy and clingy,

- given you bitter silent treatment over imagined slights,

- gotten inflamed jealousy over normal contact with your friends & family,

- brewed mountains out of molehills and raged about the evils of your friends & family,

- taken over your life and steered you away from your friends & family,

- broken up with you and then begged you to come back

... . then she probably isn't BPD.

And if YOU haven't been doing those things to her then you are not BPD!

- Mono No Aware