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Let me try to really shorten this since I have a habit of writing too much. Recycled again by my ex. I had any means of contact changed that you can think of. She showed up at the door a couple months ago. I let her in and comforted her since she seemed in trouble yet again. Hence recycle again. She was hospitalized again during this time due to something her father said on the phone. I visited a couple of times and called each day.

She gets out and rages on her father, mother, and prob other people I don't know about. She lost her job for being out for so long and now was on heavier meds. I was attacked verbally here and there but was able to divert most of them through calm but exhausting talks. Hadn't been sleeping well and was supposed to go with her to the outpatient therapist she was assigned to plus help her with laundry she had let pile up. The morning I was supposed to go I woke up really sick with flu like symptoms. I told her I would go another day because I was out of it.

I went back to sleep thinking let me rest a bit so I can at least help her with the laundry when she gets back. She comes home raging but not able to crack me. Eventually she said get the f out. I asked her why she is doing this to me and she kept raging. I got up and tried leaving only for her to throw my stuff in the hallway. I still stayed calm and opened the door to pick up my clothes and tried to get dressed only for her to say "No get dressed in the hallway". At this point I snapped and said you do know your pushing everyone who cares about you away. I said do you not notice everyone is dwindling away? The salsa community is pushing you away. Your friends are backing away and now your backing me away.

I left and got on the bus to get a call from her asking if I was on the bus already. I could tell from her tone that she wanted comfort but I was furious and wasn't about to get off the bus and give in. When I said yes Im on the bus I was met with more rage and told she doesnt want me in her life. When I tried to talk to her about her behavior I just kept being met by circular type conversation. Days later she told me her therapist told her to block me and she did.

I was devastated and wanted answers and clarity. I showed up at her place maybe a week later and her mom was there with her. I sat with her mom and we talked and talked while my ex went in her room like she was hiding or something. After the talk we both agreed it was best if I just didn't contact her or see her. I didn't contact my ex after that and 3 days later she calls me and claims she didn't know what was going on due to the meds. She asked me to come see her which of course I did on Valentines day. Even came with a gift and card. OK so thats another recycle I guess.

Then two or 3 days later.  I was texting her saying I care/love her blah blah blah (mushy bull ish). She turned and said I believe in action. I replied so do I babe so lets show each other more consideration and more care this time. This caused another rage and then I was blocked again. She said the therapist told her to do that again. I feel so many emotions all at once it is overwhelming for me. I feel like I'm barely hanging on and barely functioning. I feel like a fool for still loving her and still having sympathy for her.

Im not getting what is going on in therapy with her. It feels like her behavior has gotten worse and it feels like I cannot tell fact from fiction anymore. I was even convinced that I was abusive by her and was going to go to therapy for it. I feel like I'm the one that is crazy now. My boss had to talk to me at work about my temperament the other day and said that people are noticing I'm different and always unhappy and unapproachable. I'm a manager so that is not a good look since people have to come to me for guidance. Since then I talked with a friend who said you need to find a way to fake it at work even if it takes all of your energy. I'm not about to get anywhere near the level of losing my job so thats exactly what I did. I literally use all of my energy now to fake being happy at work.

It literally takes all of my energy to do so and I'm drained out each day. Everyone at work now thinks I'm happy however I am dying inside. I don't know if the therapist told her to just block me all of a sudden but then again I dont know what she is telling her therapist about me either. I think she prob blocked me to mess around with another guy since she hasnt contacted me.

I try to steer away from those thoughts but it keeps drifting back there again and again. Feels like my only release is sleep to tell you the truth and thats when I do get some sleep. Anyhow I see I overdid it again and I'm sorry everyone for writing such a long post once again. I don't have money for a therapist yet so this is the best I can do. Thank you for reading this is you have read it.

Hang in there, AG. 

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly, this is really difficult stuff.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things really do get better.

It's good that you realize that your pattern of recycling with your gf is damaging and keeping you stuck.  The only way to get off the wheel is to step off.  I know how hard it is to resist the heartstrings being pulled, it happened to me, too.  If you can, give yourself lots of TLC to help you stay as balanced as you can through these intense feelings.

It sounds like you are acknowledging your feelings, which is very important, and the first step toward detachment.

Is there something special you can do for yourself this weekend to help you feel better for a few hours?  I like doing yoga, being in nature, and reaching out to friends.  What is helpful for you?

Keep writing, we're here for you.