BPDFamily.com

Hey guys!

It has been 6 month since I broke up with my pBPDex. I am pretty much over her since I realized that I wasn't really happy in the relationship with her and that she didn't give me what I need. Ofc I sometimes miss her, but once I look at a list with her worst quotes I quickly remember how bad it really was and there is not really anything to miss about that relationship.

However, I often feel lonely. Especially on weekends when my friends spend their time with their girlfriends I feel worst. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss my ex in particular since we would probably just fight if I was still with her. I just wish someone was by my side.

And then I sometimes wonder, why of all the girls I could have met, I met a girl with BPD. A girl with whom a first had a great time and later on constantly fought with about the smallest thing. A girl that abruptly cut me off of her life and moved on and dated someone else.

Why couldn't I meet a normal girl like all my friends did? Why couldn't I have a normal break up like anyone else has? This questions are bothering me a lot. I never heard about BPD before I broke up with my ex. I tried to find out what the heck just happened and eventually ended up reading about BPD and things started to make (a little bit) sense. However, it's not a common disorder right? So how unlucky must we be to end up with someone like that?

Ofc I know that many of you here went through similar things as me. And it helps to know that I am not the only one. But among my friends, everyone seems to be in a happy, normal relationship or at least had a normal break up with closure. Non of them can really relate to what happened to me. I don't know... . but it just bothers me. We all got together with our partners around the same time... . but while they still enjoy a nice relationship, I ended up here and still trying to make sense of what happened to me and my relationship.

Well, I often ask those questions to myself.

I was 3 years with a "normal" person and I was unhappy. Broke it off and met my BPDbf. Since the BPD kicked in I ask myself the same question: Why me? Why not sending me a nonBPD, God!

I don't think there is an answer to that. We have in ourselves a little "savior". We see the person we begin to love with a problem , a serious mental illness, and we jump for the rescue... . We want to save them from their illness, from themselves, from anything that might hurt them and we end up hurting ourselves. Sometimes the best thing is to break it off (especially when the person is not diagnosed or treating herself like in your case I presume) and others just keep hanging in for the morbid curiosity of "what comes next".

Its a really hard question. 

Hi Dansure,

has been said few times on this board that we seek Partners with the same emotional maturity as us.

Yes you met a girl with BPD and you fell for her. It was great during the honeymoon phase. There are specific things you liked about the BPD traits that led you to have a r/s with her.

In my case, i have had to make a very good analysis to understand why i ended up in the r/s i did. I gained a good understanding about my own needs... .

why do you think you established a r/s with her? what did you expect her to do to meet your needs?

you mentioned you feel lonely, which is standard. but IMHO we should not seek to compliment our loneliness with another person, but to be whole and feel completed first by ourselves. THen the company and the partnership that comes with a relationship is not based on anything else but love

also, i would only comment, that even tho others look happy in relationships (and i am not saying they are not)... . you and i know that appearances might sometimes be different to reality. In my case, the pwBPD always made so many efforts to appear happy, very happy for the outside world, it was only me who knew how unstable and turbulent the inner world could get!

Well, when I met her I was still heart broken because of my very first girlfriend. She was a terrible liar and I was very naive back then. She cheated on me and lied to me about basically everything. She was a very cold and calculating person and something in my guts always told me that she never really had feelings for me... which turned out to be true. I was so badly hurt that I hated every girl out there for a while. That was 2 years before I met my BPDex. So here she was, so into me, adoring me so much, giving me so much attention. I enjoyed it because what happened before with my first girlfriend destroyed my ego. At first I didn't want to date my BPDex, but at some point I enjoyed the adoration and attention so much that I started to fall in love with her. She was very insecure and always said that I look too good to be with her. I always thought she has some inferiority complex. And later on the crying began... . she would tell me how she isn't worth anything and that I will leave her. And from there on I was her rescuer... . until I eventually became her worst enemy.

Anyway, going back to your original question... . what did I expect from her back then? Well, the love, commitment and adoration that I never got from my first girlfriend.

But I still think any other of my friends would have started to date her as well. Who doesn't enjoy to me adored like that?




Well I only learned what I don't want anymore. She always wanted to hide the relationship, no pictures on FB or something. I wouldn't tolerate that in the future anymore. It was impossible to talk about problems with her and solve them like adult people. Every problem meant a break up to her. In future relationship I will immediately walk away if a girl says those to words so easily.

i think eventually these horrible horrible experiences we all had will make us better, smarter, stronger, and more emotionally mature people.

i find myself saying the same things you are saying... . my therapist and i call it my "poor me" role. "why does all the bad stuff happen to me?"... . in reality, bad things happen to EVERYONE all the time.

This is true. I do have somewhat of a opinion on this though, and it may be a touchy subject. Take something bad like, being assaulted, or robbed at gunpoint, or having your car stolen, having your father die, all terrible things. I've had these things happen to me, and of-course, I was the victim. But these circumstances were less damaging to me, because they are easy to understand. Ok, I got robbed, it happened, its straightforward violence. My father died, Hes gone, it's easy to understand, people die, I wasn't left wondering, why?  It was terrible, but easy to comprehend.

With my BPD relationship, its so deceitful in its nature, to me, it was so emotionally scaring because it SEEMS like a good thing in the beginning, but it is a terrible thing In disguise.  the psychological effects and the betrayal trauma, the altering of my reality, left questioning everything that happened, truly awful. I would much rather have a "normal" terrible thing happen to me, because the BPD is so abnormal it is that much worse. 

And I am in no way saying there is nothing worse than a BPD relationship, of-course there is. I hope this makes some sense.

I also feel like when a "normal" terrible thing happens, like the death of a loved one, everyone around you has empathy and understands. No one would ever tell me, "Oh, you're father died? get over it!"    But with BPD relationships, so few people understand, even though it does easily ruin your life.  I can't count the amount of times someone has told me "Just a chick, get over her!"  or call me a "Beta male" for being so devastated. In that regard I think it adds to our "unluckiness", the lack of compassion and understanding from people that haven't experienced it.  Everyone on the planet has experienced the death of a loved one, for example.

I think this is spot on.  When a loved one dies, we have the loss of them to grieve.  With a SO with BPD, however, there is just so much more to deal with.  There is the trauma of the abuse and/or abandonment, the terrible rejection if they leave you and/or cheat, the unfulfilled promises (lies?) they told you about how much they loved you and how special you were to them, the opening of old wounds that many of us have from our own childhoods, and on and on.  It just becomes so much more.  It's awful... .

That would be the exact same answer I would give as well. But things happen indeed to everyone. But few things hurt so badly and are so hard to deal with like experiencing something like that. And people tell me that I became stronger and better after that experience. But I wonder why I needed that experience in the first place... .

I don't wanna sound winy or whatsoever. But I am just saying that this feeling of being so unlucky with my the choice of my gf is what is bothering me the most about the entire BPD thing.

It hurts like hell. It hurts to the core.  It took what I felt was best about me and turned it against me.  It was betrayal.  

It was a FANTASY.  It was the DISORDER.

IT HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... . AND I MEAN NOTHING TO DO WITH LUCK

In fact, it was the exact opposite of luck.  Because of my FOO issues and shortcoming, I was drawn into the interaction. I liked the fantasy.  And I got lost in the FOG.

We are all so similar here on the board.  Our interactions were similar. And our personalities are very similar.  So the fact that there are patterns is evidence that it's not luck.  If it were luck, we'd be a disparate group of people, like riders on a NY subway.  

Claiming luck, relieves me of my responsibility for the interaction and destruction.  It allows me to be a victim.  Victim mentality will keep me locked in the pain for ever.  Some people don't recover.  From what I seen, it's those who take the victim position.  

I don't want to be the lonely mean cat lady, or the mean old curmudgeon who yells at kids on his lawn. Playing the unlucky victim is a big gateway to that future.

Claiming luck, means that all I have to do is try again, and hope to get luckier.  Get Luckier?  Not going to happen.  The next interaction will be just as destructive and so on until I burn out and live in isolation... . unless I look at myself, my FOO issues, my actions and feelings... . and then make the changes I need.

I was not a victim.  I was a volunteer. I was not unlucky. I worked and sought and ran to my ex as intensely as she mirrored me.   I ran to my false ego in the mirror.  There's no luck involved with that.

It's taken me time, but I've left much of the false ego behind, I've allowed my real self to come through, and now I'm not a victim of my actions anymore.

I hope others stay on the board, share, vent and find recovery as well.

Brillant!

There's a saying how you think affects how you feel.

I prefer to look at the positive aspects.  The lessons learned, envisioning life if ihad stuck around knowing what I've alread witnessed, and another member put it beautifully in another thread as the opportunity to meet someone who will be just as appreciative to meet you as you are them.  I think she put her next love will want to thank her ex for letting her go.

It's harder to do this if you are hurting and it takes time to detach.

I don't have a lot of relationships behind me, but I have repeatedly ended up in relationships (both romantic and non-romantic) where I have been more or less abused. I can point out at least four occasions in my life, inlcuding my current relationship.

There has been one specific red flag that I have not been guilty of ignoring - and that is where my co-dependency creeps in. In all these relationships my partner has had a desire to have me as an *exclusive* friend. A friend that isn't like other friends. A friends that doesn't make the same demands and doesn't put the same preassure on you. That doesn't take up the same space. A friend that you spend as much time as you want with, when you want. A friend that is only yours. And they all made it look like some kind of benefit on my part.

Being very grateful to have someone liking me at all, I was always a happy participant to begin with, but began to protest and make more demands as I discovered that the inequality of the relationship. In all cases this was met with protests and reactions from my "friends"  to some extent (they were even hurt, which is understandable) and the relationship usually ended, and in one case it transformed into something better.

As a matter of fact I haven't had the ability to say "no" when I should and that is why I have ended up when I have ended up with BPD type people again and again.

I also lack the ability to say enough is enough when I have been downright abused and that is why I am in my current relationship.

This does not mean I have myself to blame. My wife has kept her place by my side using threats us suicide, threats of abandonment, threats of all kinds, the isolation... . the kind mind___ me and others here have been through, it's just beyond words. Being the kind of person I am, and she being the kind of person she is... . I don't know if it could have evolved any other way.

I have to disagree with the "brilliance of the T's statement."  Bad things happen to people all the time.  Yes, but this bad thing happened to me because of who I am and what I sought.

Yes, it's great to look at the positives.  And it's a great opportunity to look inside and grow.  It's been a deep blessing for me in many ways, because I would not be the person I am, and in many ways always really wanted to be, without hitting bottom.   I'm proof that recovery is possible.  And I'm deeply grateful to the board, my friends, al anon, and other support networks.  

But it wasn't just a unlucky bad thing happened in the concept of bad things happen to all of us.  I sought out this bad thing like a heat seeking missile.   There are plenty of people without the disorder with whom I could have sought out a relationship. I didn't want someone health.  I didn't feel that I deserved someone healthy.  I was too ashamed to be be with deeply intimate with someone healthy.  I didn't know the difference between intimacy and intensity.

I sought out and volunteered to get lost in a person with the Disorder.  I wanted to drink the BPD Kool aid because it seemed like the perfect way to not deal with my shame and self esteem issues and FOO issues.   No, I didn't ask for the Bad things.   But I did invite the fantasy.  I just wasn't mature enough to see that the fantasy was actually a nightmare.  All my friends saw it.  Other people see it in my ex.  Anyone healthy would have stayed away from emotional attachment to a nutcase like her.   But I sought it out.   But I also have to forgive myself, it's because the interaction seemed familiar.  It was like my childhood.

No luck involved.  No Victim.  Equal responsibility.  

Being able to see the above facts is the greatest positive and the greatest gift I've been given in this stage of my life.

hi Dansure,

good point on above, you were in a "low" point, sad and dissapointed, when your exBPD showed up, she made you feel better about yourself. then, when things are going well... BPD disorder kicks in, push pull dynamics, confusion, pain, b/u... . Similar stuff happened to me... .

now, we can continue to be on the "low" expecting someone else to fulfill our needs and makes us feel better about ourselves, OR we do the work to feel better about ourselves ourselves...

if another girl with BPD turns up now, and manages to make you feel better about yourself, happy and she apparently meet your needs... will you go for her ? would you ignore the red flags again?

if above happens, would it be down to luck?

One of the best post I have seen on the board... . dead on.

|iiii

Well depends on what you see as a  red-flag

She was very into me and gave me many compliments in the beginning. Well I didn't see that as a red flag yet. So I would keep going. Second thing I can think of is that she called me once and told me how she feels worthless and ugly... . hm... well maybe I would take that as an inferiority complex or need for attention... . I would still keep going. Third  red-flag when I found out that she was sort of flirting with someone else while visiting me during my exchange. Well she told me she never had a relationship before and didn't feel like it was actually flirting, and that if she really intended to flirt she wouldn't have showed me the conversation... . hm... maybe I would also still accept that. Next  red-flag which lead to our first major fight and one of our many break up was when I saw that she apparently had a relationship before because she was having kissing pictures with her ex on her phone. Well nowadays I would break up for that, because after that I had a feeling that she is not honest. I wrote it off back then. But after it turned out that she is not the innocent angel she pretended to be I would be gone today.

Things like:

- Leaving my place because we can't agree on what to eat

- Breaking up over every fight

- Sudden mood changes and telling me she feels pressured because of me.

I wouldn't accept those things anymore. In that sense the relationship changed me and I have boundaries now.

However, some people here make it sound like BPD was written on her forehead. But it was just a nice, insecure girl who was very into me when I met her at first. How were I supposed to know that she was BPD? Why would you argue that I chose a BPD?

I agree that later, when things got crazy it was my own choice to stay with her. I let her make me believe that I cause that behavior because of my own shortcomings (my temper). But everything before that wasn't my fault and in my opinion simply bad luck. Who wouldn't go for a pretty girl who make you feel good about yourself because she adores you so much?

Or let me ask you differently: Would you argue that people that are not similar to us here on board would say

"Oh, pretty girl, who is really into me and shares many of my interests... . she must have some issues, I am gone!"

Some excellent posts on this thread. RedBaron5, I think you are so right about the trauma of a BPD experience being a very unique kind of "bad thing." Your discussion of this is so eloquently put.

"Just get over it and move on!" Yeah, right... .

Dansure's final post hits home. It's not like they come with "BPD" stamped on their foreheads. How do you recognize BPD when you don't even know there IS such a thing?

Tausk's line about the BPDex taking what you feel is best about yourself and turning it against you... . that line is the essence of what this nightmare is all about. Yes, this is the ultimate betrayal.

I come back to the 'frog in a gradually hotter pot of water' way of looking at it. Knowing we weren't forced to get in there. We had reasons why we did. We're frogs who chose to get in the pot. We also helped the temp rise. The water seemed refreshing at first. Most of us didn't hop out until we felt we were being boiled away.

HI Dansure,

i understand your point, we have to be careful in not going to the other extreme and falling into the false assumption that "pretty girls that are into you and share my interests have issues". Definitely and categorically no...

what i refer to, is, in my case, i knew i had self worth issues prior to meeting my ex. I was in a low point, so i was "vulnerable", due to my own inability to self soothe ,when i found someone that was so intensively interested in making me feel good, she listened to me, she was soo deeply into me that i fell absolutely flat on my back, i made her my world, and i ignored the red flags, i even walked over them!  lol, i didnt care that i was being manipulated or the object of extreme jealousy, that didnt mind as long as i was being "taken care of". THat was my contribution to the situation, she had nothing to do with the fact that I accepted her care and broke all my boundaries (emotional & physical) to keep getting her attention and love... .

Now, for me the learning: if i dont work in solving my own self esteem issues, my rescuing needs to play hero, and the ability to do my own self soothing when things go bad and i reach a low stage (this is me, not necessarily applies to others btw), then, next time someone else shows deep care, intense focus on myself, etc, i wil fall for her, and yes, this includes my ex! what if she shows up again in my life, back to her "loving and supportive self", if i dont solve my own self esteem, i will be right back with her seeking her comfort, love, intense focus on me, etc...

for a next relationship, i will keep in mind the following article  :)

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm)

I know that my personal issues that played a major role throughout my BPD disaster, and I accept full responsibility for it.  I know that mine slowly tightened the noose around me, and that I failed to recognize what was slowly happening to me.  Had I had healthier relationship skills it never would have happened that way.

BPD is rare enough to where there is an element of luck involved in encountering one.  However, I do know that with my rescuer tendencies and lack of boundary enforcement I was the proverbial attractive magnet being drug along the ground picking up the occasional seemingly random piece of BPD iron. 

This was spot on for me.   The essence of the work I have done and still is ahead of all of me.  The keys to detaching and depersonalizing the interaction and Disorder.  

It's been worth it.  I followed the path of those on the board, and in other groups who seemed to find peace, happiness, acceptance, and hope and strength for the future.  In that in part was to focus on the inward shortcomings that sought out the Disorder.  To address those defects and then to acknowledge and develop my true strengths.  But it took honesty and courage to learn about the Disorder, myself, and move through the pain.

Not the false ego.  It's the false ego that is vulnerable to the idealization.   Because, no real self respecting woman would idolize me.  Because no self respecting person idolizes anyone.  They respect, interact, share, connect with others, but idolization is for small children.  

I wanted idolization, because I was too scared for intimacy and respect.

Now I am developing the capacity for adult interactions.

Thanks for the post.

T