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Title: I tried exercising my boundaries that my partner Post by: bansh on March 05, 2014, 06:11:09 AM I tried exercising my boundaries that my partner never in a million years would even consider a boundary and turn it around into me trampling on her.
She reacted so hostile and accused me of "macho aggression" for saying "don't put words in my mouth" when I felt it was being done to me no matter what I tried to say, twisted around. To me, that feels aggressive, creepy, and I feel that if I cave and grovel apologetically, I am going against what I think is right. So I tried standing by it, so she declared that I love tormenting her and flew up the stairs. She does this so often and it dismantles any chance of talking out anything from something as subtle as something I did that rubbed her the wrong day, to extremes that are distorted into frightening roles I am not comfortable being screamed about in. I flat out said, "I'm standing by my right to say that, because I think it's right". Any time I try to draw any lines, she glides right across and in the same breath accuses me of crossing hers. Title: I tried exercising my boundaries that my partner Post by: an0ught on March 05, 2014, 11:14:11 AM I tried exercising my boundaries that my partner never in a million years would even consider a boundary and turn it around into me trampling on her. She reacted so hostile and accused me of "macho aggression" for saying "don't put words in my mouth" when I felt it was being done to me no matter what I tried to say, twisted around. To me, that feels aggressive, creepy, and I feel that if I cave and grovel apologetically, I am going against what I think is right. So I tried standing by it, so she declared that I love tormenting her and flew up the stairs. She does this so often and it dismantles any chance of talking out anything from something as subtle as something I did that rubbed her the wrong day, to extremes that are distorted into frightening roles I am not comfortable being screamed about in. I flat out said, "I'm standing by my right to say that, because I think it's right". Any time I try to draw any lines, she glides right across and in the same breath accuses me of crossing hers. Hi bansh, it is excellent that you know what you need and you are willing to make changes |iiii Please read up more on how boundaries are meant on this site - we do have a quite specific way to look at what they are and how to implement them. On the one hand there is the line in the sand - which you identified. But then on the other hand there are the actions we take to protect ourselves. And it matters a lot that this course of action does not require us controlling our partner. Why? - Because our partner resents control and more often than not when push comes to shove is not very good at self control under pressure. In that light telling her what to do is pointless - you stepping out is more effective. Our boundaries are only boundaries if we have the means to protect them - only that ensures they provide us with a sense of safety in the thunderstorms we are faced with. It takes a while to get your head around it and get it right. It matters what we do and it matters how we do it - there is a big focus on skills here on the site. You did the first step |iiii Title: Re: I tried exercising my boundaries that my partner Post by: Grey Kitty on March 06, 2014, 02:55:42 PM Good job on enforcing boundaries! That step was huge for me!
Yes, she will accuse you of horrible things when you stand up to her. The disorder will do this, whether it is justified or not. Use your internal moral compass to say whether what you are doing is right or wrong... . don't believe her version just because she says it! When she "flew up the stairs" that was the good part--at that point, you aren't fighting with her anymore... . exactly what you are often trying to accomplish with your boundaries. Sometimes more specific descriptions of the encounter here will give us more room to make better suggestions for you than general statements. |