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Title: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: blue_skies_ahead on March 06, 2014, 09:06:52 AM RANT WARNING (LOL): Recently I've been examining myself and was shocked to discover how very deeply hurt I still am after my recent divorce from my exBPDSO and I'm scared that I'll never ever have another relationship. I've been crying all the time, for the first time in years, because my ex used to frown on any perceived "weakness" on my end and he really didn't care when I was brought to tears either, so I learned to stuff all my feelings. Well, they are all suddenly pouring out and underneath the hurt, I saw and felt, that I'm ANGRY. I mean REALLY angry at how I was used and lied to and abused and toyed with for 22 years, then at my lowest point (I was injured and lost my job for the first time ever), he started making moves to discard me right away (moved out of the bedroom, said I was no longer a "provider" even though I was on STD and pulling down 60% of my pay). It makes me feel like I lowered myself to just being a host for this tapeworm. I'm not only angry with him, I'm angry with myself for allowing it and I know I have co-dependency issues that I'm dealing with in therapy because my father is a full blown narcissist, but I am wondering where my intelligence was all these years? I like to think I'm a pretty smart girl. I guess I was on the lower end of the emotional intelligence quotient for all that time. I can accept and build from that knowledge. THE HARDEST THING TO ACCEPT IS that he was dating his new fiance either before our separation or immediately after. Was I so ununique that these parasites just slide ANYONE
Title: Re: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: blue_skies_ahead on March 06, 2014, 09:10:08 AM ... . on into the space you used to occupy as if you are an old sneaker? Do they have no genuine feelings or recollection of anythine genuine or authentic? Here he's engaged immediately after our divorce and I'm crying into my pillow on a Weds night and worrying I'll never be able to bare my heart to another ever again because of how betrayed and how CRAZY he made my life and is still making it because I have to coparent with the idiot. In a bad place today and am in need of a hug!
Title: Re: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: raytamtay3 on March 06, 2014, 09:21:49 AM It will be ok. You will get through this. And you are worthy of love! And you will find true guinine healthy love some day. I'm living proof of this.
Title: Re: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: blue_skies_ahead on March 06, 2014, 09:37:59 AM Thank you, raytamtay3. Sometimes my heart just still aches because I truly loved my ex and I'm mourning the loss even though my life is so much more predictible, balanced and healthy now. All I wanted/asked for, and tried to help him do, was get treatment. After some big trauma he'd incited (like leaving me and our 8 mo baby born 2 months premature HIGH AND DRY (left and turned off all utilities in July in Florida) over what I can only surmise was a severe fit of jealousy/adjustment issues between mother/child (he wasn't happy just being a daddy - complained he wasn't bonding with our son and our son wasn't bonding with him. Held him up to his face and tried to make him stare into his eyes until I'd remind him that premies aren't to be overstimulated) he'd agree to go to a therapist, but it never would get past a handful of sessions. He NEVER gave me a concrete reason for why he freaked like that.
Anyway, getting back to why it is so easy for a BPD to leave a NON and immediately engage another "victim" ... . IT WAS NEVER BAD FOR THEM like it was for you. We catered to them ... . gave them control ... . validated them unconsciously ... . pampered them in the cocoon of their disease and they fed from us and we allowed it and once the supply of nourishment dried up, they just did what they know how to do best - FEED. Emotional vampires SUCK. ! Title: Re: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: maxen on March 06, 2014, 09:42:28 AM hi blue_skies. i'm so so sorry. here's a hug
you're with friends here, people who understand and who have been through many of the same experiences. you can always talk. we get it. another hug Title: Re: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: blue_skies_ahead on March 06, 2014, 10:01:19 AM Thank you, Maxen. All I've wanted to do lately is CRY which is confusing to me. I guess I should just embrace it as this is the beginning of my journey to healing/detachment and eventual freedom. I've had so many insensitive people that, without knowing the situation, say you should just "move on" ... . like 22 years is a cracker crumb. I was 19 when I met my exBPDH. I stayed through thick and HIS thin ... . but when my situation turned for the thinner, he was calling travel agents to plan his exit trip. IT HURTS! I found out that the person he's with is bipolar and in the past has been on 6 different meds, but is not taking them anymore as she's been healed by FAITH. They are trying to project this perfect image of themselves but her ex is a drug dealer and when she lived with him with their child, he was growing pot in their home (her own words in writing) and my exBPDH and she were going together while we were still MARRIED, yet running around telling people to have a "blessed" day and he was "too religious" to sign a pretrial intervention agreement for charges he faced over physically pushing myself and a family member all over our home in an attempt to take our son off (I had just gotten him back after he kept him from me for a week. I had to take him out of camp and ex was furious as he was using child as a crutch and to hurt me). I guess my morals are just slightly less able to be smudged over the sudden conversion to ultra christianity (or my BS meter was already primed). People ate it up, too? Sigh.
Title: Re: There's so many reasons that it's easy for them to move on so quickly ... Post by: seeking balance on March 06, 2014, 10:24:09 AM B-S-A
Having been cheated on and moved along after giving what I thought was so much of myself, I can totally understand your rant and your pain. Was I so ununique that these parasites just slide ANYONE It is so hard not to tie our self worth to being cheated on and eventually left and remarried quickly... . but, facing it is how to get past it. All I've wanted to do lately is CRY which is confusing to me. I guess I should just embrace it as this is the beginning of my journey to healing/detachment and eventual freedom. Crying is what healthy people do to process grief - it is ok to cry, and you are right, embracing it as a path to your freedom. |iiii I found out that the person he's with is bipolar and in the past has been on 6 different meds, but is not taking them anymore as she's been healed by FAITH. They are trying to project this perfect image of themselves but her ex is a drug dealer and when she lived with him with their child, he was growing pot in their home (her own words in writing) and my exBPDH and she were going together while we were still MARRIED, yet running around telling people to have a "blessed" day and he was "too religious" to sign a pretrial intervention agreement for charges he faced over physically pushing myself and a family member all over our home in an attempt to take our son off (I had just gotten him back after he kept him from me for a week. I had to take him out of camp and ex was furious as he was using child as a crutch and to hurt me). I guess my morals are just slightly less able to be smudged over the sudden conversion to ultra christianity (or my BS meter was already primed). People ate it up, too? Sigh. Sigh is right - reading this yourself it is not hard to see all the flaws. But, it doesn't change the fact it all hurts and it is OUR lives that have been completely derailed and minimized. Let yourself process this grief - it really will get better. Peace, SB |