BPDFamily.com

I was in a relationship with a borderline for 13 years. After the first year she really abused me badly and the emotional abuse continued the whole time. During that time I gained a sort of Stockholm Syndrome for her, where she was a god and I was crap. I also had extremely severe emotional disassociation. As if 12 years of my life literally didn't happen. I'm coming out of the fog and I found my inner child recently. And it was like a black hole. A feeling I bet few people ever experience. An intolerable terror that made me want to curl up into a fetal position that was impossible to curl into and a complete lack of appreciation for anything. I couldn't love myself one bit and so I couldn't love anything else either. I got up and started doing nice things for my family and pets and that seemed to allow me to get beyond this and love myself. But I'm still a heaping mess. And I feel like I can't find a support group that I fit in with. Although part of the condition is feeling like no one understands, so it might just be me. Anyways, thanks for listening and any advice would be welcome. I used to be such a sweet, empathetic person with a great sense of humor and now I feel like an enigma, it makes me so sad.

Hi SuperiorOutlook,

sounds like you are struggling a lot  . PTSD is complex and while this board provides a supportive and validating environment it can't cover all aspects and in some ways could be even triggering as it provides plenty of reminders of what happened.

I suggest you spend some time researching and understanding your options as a first step. I found the The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook - Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213669.0)  useful both in short run explaining the mechanisms behind the symptoms and immediate self care measures providing relief as well as in the long run looking at the various therapy options. Eventually you have to find and discuss with a professional T how to move forward.


It takes a while but realizing what you are dealing with and taking targeted steps will make you feel better and more whole. PTSD is a situation where coping mechanisms are overloaded and misdirect us. The sooner it gets handled the less dysfunction has built up so don't hesitate to reach out for professional help - disassociations, curling up are symptoms on a level that justify taking the help of professional guidance.

Let me know if you find one. A lot of sites for survivors of relationship or sexual violence are crawling with borderline folks. My ex is on a lot of them. That said, I'm sure there's somewhere I haven't been.