BPDFamily.com

dBPDgf got into a text message argument with her best friend, and now the best friend has been painted black.  It was interesting to watch how this happened from my angle.  Even though this is a recent argument, the best friend has been mostly in the black ever since she visited a few months ago.  But, the last few months were more of, "I don't want to deal with her crap" rather than "I hate her".  The friend is also recovering addict, many BPD tendencies and anger issues, has been through DBT herself.

The argument started because the friend invited GF to some upcoming event.  GF said she was not interested, gave a reason, and friend proceeded to respond with insults and invalidations.  GF then defended, tried being polite, but also invalidated and insulted in return.  I listened to and observed how this went down, and it was very eye opening for me, and tried using the incident to talk to my girlfriend about relationships without specifically talking about ours.  I think it went well.

- I tried to get GF to not engage her friend when angry.  I explained if she gets defensive, her friend will just come back to say more mean stuff.  Instead, I suggested just saying she cares about the relationship, but does not want to talk about this right now, and then not responding so subsequent text messages.  She didn't, and of course the friend kept insulting, and it went two ways, until both were hurt.

- I explained to GF that her friend was projecting.  That a secure person would not feel the need to be hurtful or defend if another person told them "no".  I explained that when these things happen, it is because one person is not getting their needs met and can't meet them internally, so they blame external things for not getting what they want.  I said more than likely her friend has other issues or insecurities she is projecting onto her.  I explained that when people want to be hurtful, they tend to pick apart our insecurities.  If they were secure, they would have no reason to be hurtful.

- I explained that her friend is not being clear what she wants or how she feels, so she is using passive aggressiveness and guilt trips to try and manipulate her. 

- we also talked about the friend's past behavior, and I suggested that since she seems to get this way with others, that it's not about her, it's her friend's issue.  I also suggested that her friend's behavior probably plays a role in her constant relationship issues.

GF and I had a good conversation about all of this.  And her revelations show progress:

- She said she feels bad about the way she handled the situation, although she is proud of herself for not being as mean in return.  She said that was an issue in previous relationships, that she would be extremely hurtful in return.

- She examined herself, and said "this always happens with all my relationships - maybe there is something wrong with me."

-  She seemed to link the dynamic at play here with the crap I dealt with from her over the past year.   She explained that she would take stuff out on me that had nothing to do with me but instead had to do with her own feelings.

-  In talking to her AA sponsor, the sponsor suggested examining the 4th step, where the addict is supposed to self-examine.  GF said it's weird because friend is also in AA and is always giving her advice on how to communicate better, and yet acted like this.  GF seems willing to consider her role in this argument.

Even though this felt very positive, here is what I think seems to lack:

- She seems to feel very hurt by friend's actions, seems to understand her friend acted similarly to how she previously act, towards me, and towards others.  But still no "aha" moment where she says, "wait, you must have felt just as badly as I do now when I was doing all that mean crap to you."  Or, "crap, now I know how it feels - and I did the same thing to my friends in the past.  No wonder they abandoned me."  During part of the conversation with me, she revealed all the friends who quit being her friend.  I asked why.  She said it was because she tried to set boundaries with those friends.  My guess is it wasn't the boundary, but the way she handled it, and then she got hurtful in defense, and the friend gave up.  She did say one friend told her off because she had sex with a guy the friend was interested in.  I replied that usually that is a very hurtful thing to do, and if I did that to a friend of mine, I would certainly understand if he wanted to punch me or tell me off.  GF responded, "well, he was a jerk anyway, and it was just a one time thing, and that was back when I was getting high."  The excuses disappoint me.

- She revealed that she wishes she had friends in town.  I started to ask about certain friends she has, and she said she doesn't feel close to them.  She knows I can't be her only friend, yet all weekend long she was hanging on me like she always does.  No effort to do anything different.

No real question here, just posting this because I thought it was interesting.