BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

Throughout my life, I've found myself around emotionally intense/abusive people.  I find myself completely drawn to women who are this way, especially because of their intense affection, interest, and sexuality.  I'm trying to break this cycle, but "normal" women and relationships seem bland and boring to me.  "I just don't feel a spark/connection" is something I've probably said about these women.  A bit more about me... .

I'm a male in my late twenties.  In the last four years, I've had trouble maintaining a relationship for over two months.  My longest relationships were each eight months long, and occurred in my early twenties.  So needless to say, I haven't been very successful at maintaining relationships.

In the last few years, I've found myself on two separate occasions head over heels infatuated (I thought it was love) with women who had BPD traits.  The honeymoon part of the relationship was great, and I remember feeling in both situations that I had found my mate.  This last time, once the honeymoon period ended, I began to emotionally withdraw once I began to see her emotional intensity, etc. surface.

The reality, though, is I am still amazingly intensely attracted to women who might be likely to have BPD traits.  On one level, I consider myself a free spirit, and these women tend to be adventurous, exciting, fun-loving, etc.  I also have ADD, so part of my attraction to them may e based in the fact that they're similarly adventurous, and always seeking new things.

On the other hand, my attraction to these women is likely rooted in my relationship with my best friend from my childhood, from aged 2 to 15.  He was charming, fun, exciting, and also extremely mean to me, making fun of me in ways that were humiliating, embarrassing, etc.  So he did the whole idealizing/devaluing thing.  Looking back, he (and his family) were toxic, and he likely has a PD himself (narcissism if I had to guess).

All this is to say that I don't want to keep going down this road, I want a healthy relationship.  And yet, the women I'm attracted to tend to be these emotionally intense women, who may not be "good" for me.   The only relationship I ever had that was not with an emotionally intense women lacked sexual chemistry, and pretty much the entire 8 months of the relationship, I was questioning whether to stay or go, feeling bored, noticing flaws in my partner.

So I'm afraid that in a healthy relationship, I would lose interest, get bored, not know how to proceed.  At this point, I've been in therapy with the same great therapist for 2 + years, and we have a solid relationship where I more and more feel safe.

But I feel this isn't enough--I want to get over this pattern now--I'm sick of it.  Can anyone else relate to being attracted to BPD or similarly unhealthy relationships?  If yes, could you share your story about your own history/journey?  If you've been able to overcome this pattern, please tell me what has been most effective in helping you overcome this pattern.  Books, individual therapy, group therapy, or a group like codependence anonymous?  I'm particularly concerned that if I fly solo from here, life will become busy again, and the same pattern will repeat.  So I'm trying to find a way to keep myself accountable and commit to healthy relationship.  I'm open to anything that could help.

Thanks,

Bob

You write a sincere message.   And I'll try to offer a sincere reply.   I am no expert, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about my role in relationships, especially my last one.

One of the best quotes I've heard is, "Be the person you want to attract."  

The most important lesson I have learned is to turn the focus back on myself.  I wasted way too much time thinking about my partner's role -- and, ultimately, it did not help me.  I was "stuck" until I decided to focus solely on me.

There are a number of places to explore for information, starting with the L6 thread here, "Taking Personal Inventory."   My jou rney has led me to start looking at my own childhood wounds.   You can look up any number of books on "inner child" or "inner bonding" and see if any of it resonates.   I've also started to practice mindfulness meditation and learning to sit with my emotions (in the past, I'd look for solace outside of me, and I'd stay in the FOG because it was a habit and, perversely, I took comfort there).

I'm sure others will have some thoughts for you as well.   All the best.  Keep posting -- it works.

You are likely codependent based on your statement about being bored with "normal" women. Codependent people are drawn to chaos and drama. These type of relationships cause distractions that keep us from dealing with our own shame and other issues.

Like many others on this site, I would recommend therapy to deal with your codependency traits. You will more naturally be drawn to "normal', boring women :)

PS - I always like reading old threads, and this one resonated:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124002.msg1221934#msg1221934 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124002.msg1221934#msg1221934)

Thanks for the reply.  As I said above, I have been in therapy for over two years (and I've been in therapy previously).  I'm actually training to be a psychologist, so go figure!  It's amazing to me how many mental health professionals cannot maintain romantic relationships.

My therapist is amazing.  I think via her, I've started to really value feeling safe in a relationship.  If I don't feel safe, I'm not sticking around.  Here's the challenge though: she is nondirective, meaning she will rarely tell me what to do, or encourage me to date "boring" women, for example.  So at times I feel like a lost dog, wandering around.  The therapy, (and my life to a certain extent, given my ADD) lack structure.  I'm wondering if therapy is enough, or if I need more than that... .

Thanks for your post--and the thread you posted.  I also have books by Susan Anderson on the "Outer Child."  Familiar with her?

The link to the thread about BPDs being a mirror hits home with me.  I remember feeling with both of the BPDs I dated that I found a missing piece of myself.  Now this is likely my own s*^t,  but I've also heard BPDs are great at being the person you want them to be.  So that might be part of that... . I'll read that thread soon!

Until I found this board, I didn't know what BPD was.  I initially thought the relationships I had found myself in and the issues which came up were "normal" parts of relationship dynamics and that we can "fix" anything that is off track.  So I stayed in these relationships way too long, got recycled I don't know how many times - and each time I let them back in, the next recycle just got worse and worse - but I kept letting it happen.

After this last breakup, I finally ended up here... . put a name to what I had been dealing with - and an understanding of why I allowed myself to be attracted to and stay in such chaos.  And, yeah, there was some co-dependency traits going on - but it also really stemmed from my FOO.

ONce I started to really look at it - I was raised in a house with a diagnosed mother and I grew up with the chaos.  No, I don't like chaos in relationships - but... . how am I suppose to leave my mother?  I tried, as a child, to either do whatever I could do to stop her rages, or not get her upset or win back her approval when she cast me aside.

Yeah it hurt.  But she is my mom. 

So I ended up taking that into my adult relationships, tried to do whatever I thought I could do and needed to do to keep my SO happy, or calm her down, or talk her till I'm blue in the face to understand the logic behind why her actions were irrational.

Same thing that I did with my mom.

It wasn't until I came here and started to understand what I was dealing with that I found out that my mother had been diagnosed 30 years ago (no one told me until about a week ago) - and then everything fell into place.

"Normal" relationships are not boring.  Actually the opposite.  I can finally trust someone to tell me the truth.  I can trust that the words coming out of someone's mouth can be held up and match their actions.

It is very exciting to finally know what it means to be in a "healthy" relationship.  But not just the woman I am dating... . I mean with myself.  I now have all the puzzle pieces - and I'm not going crazy - and things makes sense.

I am in no way suggesting not to get involved with someone if they suffer from the disorder.  There are tools and techniques you can use to help manage and so on.

But for me... . I spent the time to focus on me.  What I need.  What I like.  What I will accept, and what I can't.  For me... . I can't do lies.  That is a deal breaker for me.  I can't do unchecked irrational emotional outbursts and all the "crazy making" behaviors I have been living with since I was born.

It is an exciting new day - and it is about time for me to actually be in a relationship with someone who cares about me.

If your question is "how do you break the cycle"?  I would suggest spending some time with you - figure out who you are first... . let that come into being... . then you can figure out why you are attracted to the chaos and misery.

Whatever you decide, just know - you are not alone.

You may really need to see the whole cycle for what it really is and radical acceptance for you to really break free from being attracted to pwBPD. Read the accounts in here of the living toll being with a pwBPD has taken on all the nons and you will see the attraction for that, has no happy ending. Literally.

That is so true.

Is it possible it's learnt relating based on your childhood. We learn to relate and we learn relationship skills from our parents. Some members have grown up in invalidating environments. Have you explored any if that with your therapist?

Feeling like you have to make a choice between healthy-but-boring and exciting-but-disordered sucks. I remember being in that phase during my own recovery - while in therapy, working on myself, dating tons, and searching for non-disordered person who I would still feel excited and passionate about. The prospect of finding such a combo looked bleak, until I realised a key fact:

People do not come as either-or. They come on a scale.

Are you familiar with the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) index?

www.psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

In a nutshell, under 12 is your "boring and unexciting", 12-15 is "average", 15-20 is "celebrities", 20+ is NPD (and BPD), 30+ is NPD so hard that no amount of therapy will ever cure it.

For me,I found that if I wanted a healthy man (ie under 20), I needed him to be within 15-19 range for me to feel excitement.

Is it easy to find? No. Is it possible? Absolutely. I am now married to one :)

Bear in mind - if you find someone healthy, they will also expect you to be healthy. My husband would not have been attracted to me had I not done the work on myself. I was pretty much done with my therapy and work on myself by the time I met him. Then we simply continued to grow together.

Good luck :)

Bob,

I can join you on being attracted to these type of women. I am the same way brother. There is something about a "normal" relationship that just doesn't cater to my personality. I like the whole "over the top" excitement and fun a loaded relationship provides. Like you, I now want change. I want a normal relationship. I think the first step is to come to the realization that we crave the BPD type relationships. I have been in therapy for around 5 years now and it really helps. Also, I did group therapy for 1 year and it was HUGE in regards to my learning on how to have normal relationships.

-LA