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I am at the point of d-day. My thoughts are obsessive with how, where and when I am going to break the news to my uBPDH that we are through and I am filing for D. (And somehow I think I have finally arrived at today being the day. ) I feel frightened anxious, nervous. It feels like the knot in my stomach is growing.  Fists, re-clenched.  I have been stuffing my feelings and trying to avoid them with food or distraction in these past 8 weeks. But I have to face this, move through this mud and get on with my life. I tend to believe that I feel more ill than my H.  I feel consumed by this limbo, these cycles, always being on guard and of course, walking on eggshells. Sometimes I just want to forget that this is my life. At other times, usually when I am nurturing myself, I am able to find the gifts and gratitude in the situation. I think that my higher power has realized that I still have work to do to become a healthy and peaceful being. So he put this personality in my path so I can look at that and grow from it, if I choose. And I humbly and gratefully do choose. It has been a difficult journey, but for today, I can believe that even though this may have not been my plan, I can trust in the actual plan. I know I need to do my share of the work, but as far as the things that are out of my control, I need to trust and let go. So for the moment, I am grateful that this site is here for my to share and reinforce what my intentions are. Somehow, it makes it more doable and the worthlessness that I have chosen to allow for so long is lessened.  I know that I have to take this step forward and I don't anticipate the D process to be easy.  My uBPDH is sensing something, as he is charming, in the part of the cycle where kindness and concern show. It's the time when I usually allow for the possibility of positive change. But I know better by now. It only took my 22 years and still I have doubt?  I know in my soul that I cannot continue to avoid the inevitable.  Too much pressure is building inside. And if I can just believe:  "I am a  important, special lovable person just the way I am right now!"(And so are you!) If I keep saying it, maybe it will just become matter of fact. Thank you for the opportunity to share. It really helps.  Taking a leap of faith now... .

Yes, you are!  Landslide, I know this is a difficult decision for you.  We are here, supporting you in this big step. Your feelings may cycle all over the place.  Stay in the center of the wheel, and let whatever needs to fly off the edges fly... .

Keep us posted. 

Just a few steps behind you Landslide... . your my new inspiration. ... I may have 11 years more on the roller coaster. ... but I'm ready to get off.

Stay strong... you can do this!

Beautiful post, Landslide!  You are an important, special, lovable person, you ARE!  Keep strong.  The road is bumpy ahead, but hang on.  There is a more peaceful life awaiting!   

Heartandwhole, thank you for your words of support. They mean more that you may know. I will remember the center of the wheel. Thank you froggy, too, for the cheering section. Roller coaster to say the least... . It's the ride of my life.  I felt the sadness in your post.  I wish you strength and peace.  Please keep me posted on where you are. As psychotic as it feels, I am orchestrating my execution... . "When will it happen, what will I say, there can't be kids around, we can't be alone". Squirrels racing in my head like a control freak. But I think I have to allow for that right now so that myself and my kids will be safe after delivery.   I will continue to post as it brings me relief and certainty.

Thank you stjarna.  I will try and find the blessing along this challenging journey and try to remained focused on the end result, allowing peace to just be without unnecessary obstacles. I think for the first time, ever, I can honestly say that I have not taken the bait. My uBPDH is turning it on full force.  But  I can no longer be fooled by false hope. Slow and steady.  Progress. Breathe.